MR

Please hear me out
There is this girl in my church who is 13 by the way, who has confided in me and the main youth leader, pretty much that she is suicidal. This was brought to my attention last wednesday, but I have been picking up signs for a while.She writes dark and deep poetry. And the youth pastor and i are taking the necessary steps so far to get this girl help. But I was on the phone with her, as she was crying, and I am asking why would God let one of his own go through this. The thing about this kid is that she has helped a normal 19 year old college kid grow up spiritually and mentally faster than I would have ever known. I cherish this kid because she has shown me how to be a deeper person. But on the inside she is tortured. I am afraid that when we have this meeting, who knows what will send her over the edge. And I keep crying and praying that this kid doesn't slip away. She feels that people just see her fall and they constantly walk by, And i have been telling her that there is an army of people praying and pushing for her. It pains me soo much I can't even concentrate in school, I am constantly worrying about her, and I don't know how to deal with this. Tears can only do so much. SHe is afraid of her parents, and her older brother keeps knocking her on how she dresses. And I keep thinking to myself, if I am in this much pain over her, I can't imagine what she is going through, even one of her best friends is suicidal. I never ever thought in a million years that I would become a youth pastor and I would have to deal with this. I am so torn over this, and I am scared for her. I don't want her to lose herself. Please pray.

Prayers from my way bro!!! Sorry to hear this, very heartbreaking.

I'm no PsyD man but you are a 19-year-old adult and she is a 13-year-old kid. There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with having an intervention with her parents/family. It obviously has to be done the right way, softly and tactfully, but this problem is bigger than just you or her and she needs love/support/counseling from a variety of sources...

Wish I knew what to say. All I can suggest is telling her that she's not the only 13 year old to feel so overwhelmed by life, but that it does get easier, and it does get better. And don't be afraid to ask others for help!

Ehwmatt wrote:I'm no PsyD man but you are a 19-year-old adult and she is a 13-year-old kid. There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with having an intervention with her parents/family. It obviously has to be done the right way, softly and tactfully, but this problem is bigger than just you or her and she needs love/support/counseling from a variety of sources...

Right...If you really believe she is suicidal, something HAS to be done to save her life.

So far that is what we are planning to do. This Wednesday we are having a meeting with the girl, with the pastor. And then the intervention.

Ehwmatt wrote:I'm no PsyD man but you are a 19-year-old adult and she is a 13-year-old kid. There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with having an intervention with her parents/family. It obviously has to be done the right way, softly and tactfully, but this problem is bigger than just you or her and she needs love/support/counseling from a variety of sources...

I agree with Ehwmatt, she needs help. It's very sad that even home isn't a safe place for her to fall. She needs help before it is too late.

we are trying everything to help...

4everkop wrote:we are trying everything to help...

Bless your heart.

If I were her parent, I would want to know!! You say she is afraid of her parents,
wonder WHY? Prayers her way!!!



You too, 4everkop, you need them too!!

i really don't think her parents are as bad as she says they are, I am pretty sure they love her. But the communication is lost, between her and her parents, and her parents are not understanding her because she is different from what they remember her. And her parents must know.

thank you

Praying is not enough. You're right in trying to get her help. Her family should be told. Intervention should be immediate. My ex-boyfriend had a younger sweet, bright, stunningly beautiful sister, who he adored, who wanted to become a veterinarian. She had severe depression problems. She tried to commit suicide in high school. Her father was a judge, so money was no object. They got her help and are a very close-knit family, and she loved her family very much and they loved her. Everyone thought she was stable after a year. She went away to college and three years later tried to commit suicide again. The family was in shock. They brought her home. To see her and talk to her you would never know she went to these dark places. After a few years of intense therapy she went back to graduate school, while still in therapy, and eventually commited suicide. These people just have a deep sadness that at times is so unbearable to them that they want the pain to end. Just talking to her and being a friend is not enough right now. But she's very blessed to have you in her corner and that she trusts you enough to confide in you.

Jana wrote:Praying is not enough. You're right in trying to get her help. Her family should be told. Intervention should be immediate.

Jana couldn't be more spot on. Praying is CLEARLY not enough. If you truly believe this child is in trouble, then you have a responsibility to intervene, and alert medical professionals and her family. You'll have an enormous sense of guilt if something were to happen, and you didn't notify someone.


John from Boston

Jana wrote:Praying is not enough. These people just have a deep sadness that at times is so unbearable to them that they want the pain to end. Just talking to her and being a friend is not enough right now.

True.
I had an aunt by marriage whose son attempted suicide. They thought he got better and left it alone, ignored the problem that was causing his depression and eventually she came home to find him in the garage, car running... and that was it.

The reason he killed himself was because there were things about him and situations happening with him that he knew people around him, mostly his family, would not accept, and his cousin and BEST friend (they were as close as brothers and they grew up together) was one of them. This man (and I use the term loosely for this particular individual) should have been there for his "brother", instead, he carries on like a judgemental self righteous asshole and so this kid knew he would only ever get ridicule from even those closest to him and could never talk about what was going on with him. He took the other way out instead because he felt there was nowhere to turn.

Thanks, this reality thing sucks. Praying can only do soo much, we gotta actually do something, this is completely where actions speak MUCH louder than words.

4everkop wrote:we are trying everything to help...

And that is sometimes the thing that does the trick.
My little cousin's boyfriend committed suicide back in February. You'd have never even known he was troubled. Bright, popular, happy, never had a want for any necessity of life. Fun-loving kid. At the time they were both 16 year old juniors in high school. They did all their normal after school stuff one afternoon, coffee shop, backroads, trip to the store. She dropped him off at home... woke up the next morning to what had happened. She's never fully recovered, and we were really worried about her for a while, too. He never even gave a sign for help.

So at least you know she needs your help, support, and love. Pay attention to her, it seems you already do... and keep taking an active interest in her world. And definitely sit her parents down. I'll be praying for you all.

I have plenty of experience dealing with suicidal children, part of my job unfortunately, and all I can tell you is, do something NOW. Even if it means getting law enforcement involved if no one else is willing to right now. And don't let anyone tell you that's going overboard either. Just do it, for her safety.

4everkop,

You almost put me in tears reading that. I have delt with depression myself, and also indirectly with an ex-girlfriend. It's very difficult in dealing with this stuff, because it not only pulls that depressed person down, but it affects everybody around that person. Definitely keep praying for the girl. The power of prayer does work! I also believe God wants his people to be proactive, so I would definitely seek out professional help for this girl. It could be anything from a chemical imbalance to something deep and dark that took place in this girl's life that nobody knows about. My ex used to do the dark poetry writing as well. She would lock herself up in her room for three days at a time, and do nothing but write depressing poetry. Luckily for her, she eventually got help. But, she had to go to counseling more than once, so the counseling is a long, repetitious process. Doesn't always work the first or even the second time.

I'll definitely keep you and this girl in my prayers.

4everkop wrote:SHe is afraid of her parents, and her older brother keeps knocking her on how she dresses.

4everkop wrote:i really don't think her parents are as bad as she says they are, I am pretty sure they love her. But the communication is lost, between her and her parents, and her parents are not understanding her because she is different from what they remember her. And her parents must know.

Most kids with depression either have a chemical imbalance or they were abused/neglected in some way as a young child. It can also be caused by excessive shaming within the home. It sounds like this may be happening because of what you said about how the brother talks down to her and that she is afraid of her parents. If that dynamic is happening in the family, the only way to fix it would be if the parents are willing to see it for what it is and deal with it.

Unfortunately there is a lot of religious shaming that takes place in families when religion gets out of balance and is used to micro-manage the members of the household. When religion goes to extremes, people get precoccupied with the whole self-denial thing (i.e. "We must become less so He can become greater" or "Die to yourself, take up your cross, and follow Me"). There is also the focus on being scared and ashamed of their "sinfulness" (aka human nature). There is a very good chance that religious pride will rear its ugly head if you try to confront the parents. Your first quote above already shows that her home life is being ruled by fear, shame, and probably a huge amount of guilt.

Dude, I would not carry this alone any longer if I was you. It will set you up to feel horribly guilty if she does something to harm herself. If I were you I would contact the authorities as soon as possible. As a minister or therapist, doesn't the law require you to do that if you think she might be a threat to herself or others? (I'm not sure about that.) Go do the right thing man... don't carry this by yourself. It's way too heavy for you. You cannot fix her. She needs some professional psychological intervention from someone who understands these type of dysfunctional family dynamics. If you can help her get that, it would probably be the best thing you could do for her.

she needs to see a doctor asap. have a psychiatric evaluation to determine if what she is feeling is physical, mental or chemical. if it's chemical it's something that can't be helped without having her on some form of medication.

it's awesome she has you to talk to... & it really sounds like you're doing right by her. hope she gets the help she needs.

p.s. it helps to get out & be active too... go for a hike, walk on the beach & collect seashells... go camping... get her out of the rut she might be in. first tho she needs to see a professional who can give a diagnosis so she can get on the road to a happier life.

*hugs*

(those are good too!)

4everkop wrote:Please hear me out
There is this girl in my church who is 13 by the way, who has confided in me and the main youth leader, pretty much that she is suicidal. This was brought to my attention last wednesday, but I have been picking up signs for a while.She writes dark and deep poetry. And the youth pastor and i are taking the necessary steps so far to get this girl help. But I was on the phone with her, as she was crying, and I am asking why would God let one of his own go through this. The thing about this kid is that she has helped a normal 19 year old college kid grow up spiritually and mentally faster than I would have ever known. I cherish this kid because she has shown me how to be a deeper person. But on the inside she is tortured. I am afraid that when we have this meeting, who knows what will send her over the edge. And I keep crying and praying that this kid doesn't slip away. She feels that people just see her fall and they constantly walk by, And i have been telling her that there is an army of people praying and pushing for her. It pains me soo much I can't even concentrate in school, I am constantly worrying about her, and I don't know how to deal with this. Tears can only do so much. SHe is afraid of her parents, and her older brother keeps knocking her on how she dresses. And I keep thinking to myself, if I am in this much pain over her, I can't imagine what she is going through, even one of her best friends is suicidal. I never ever thought in a million years that I would become a youth pastor and I would have to deal with this. I am so torn over this, and I am scared for her. I don't want her to lose herself. Please pray.

treetopovskaya wrote:she needs to see a doctor asap. have a psychiatric evaluation to determine if what she is feeling is physical, mental or chemical. if it's chemical it's something that can't be helped without having her on some form of medication.

Good advice.

Voyager wrote:

treetopovskaya wrote:she needs to see a doctor asap. have a psychiatric evaluation to determine if what she is feeling is physical, mental or chemical. if it's chemical it's something that can't be helped without having her on some form of medication.

Good advice.

Yes, this is the best advice. My son had a horrible chemical change with the onslaught of puberty. We didn't see it
until it was almost too late!!! its nothing to be ashamed of nor to be hidden, this girl must get on something to boost her
serotonin levels immediately=very common!! The only thing approved for under 18 without major evals. is Prozac.
She needs it!!! If the parents say they can't afford the money for a psychiatrist then take up a collection immediately
from the church please. I cannot stress enough though that she needs to be evaluated by someone that specializes in adolescents.
Don't walk=run! do it today because it takes weeks to get balanced out. Peace~

SteveForever wrote:

Voyager wrote:

treetopovskaya wrote:she needs to see a doctor asap. have a psychiatric evaluation to determine if what she is feeling is physical, mental or chemical. if it's chemical it's something that can't be helped without having her on some form of medication.

Good advice.

Yes, this is the best advice. My son had a horrible chemical change with the onslaught of puberty. We didn't see it
until it was almost too late!!! its nothing to be ashamed of nor to be hidden, this girl must get on something to boost her
serotonin levels immediately=very common!! The only thing approved for under 18 without major evals. is Prozac.
She needs it!!! If the parents say they can't afford the money for a psychiatrist then take up a collection immediately
from the church please. I cannot stress enough though that she needs to be evaluated by someone that specializes in adolescents.
Don't walk=run! do it today because it takes weeks to get balanced out. Peace~

Good advice,you cant reverse death

Is this really the place to dole out advice on someone thinking of doing harm to them self? Of course everyone means well but can't you find someone in the real world to help you with this? Get a professional involved, don't worry about confidentiality or anything. You don't want to be guilt ridden about this if it goes south so give the burden to someone who can handle it and is payed to do just that.

God gave us medicines and skill professionals to deal with these issues. Prayer is good for the spirit of both the person praying and the person being prayed for, however this sounds like a sick body as well.

As others have said seek out professional help as well, as prayers aren't enough. Though you both have my prayers as well, for healing and wisdom.

Gunbot wrote:Is this really the place to dole out advice on someone thinking of doing harm to them self? Of course everyone means well but can't you find someone in the real world to help you with this? Get a professional involved, don't worry about confidentiality or anything.

That seems to be what everyone on the thread is advising him to do from what I can tell.

All this is great advice, but like I said, with my 15 years of professional experience with kids in situations like this, if she's already mentioned harming herself, she needs help IMMEDIATELY. Evals and meds and all that won't mean a thing if she's able to harm herself before that.

Get her help now. Can't stress that enough.

If the child indicates she has a plan you MUST contact your local emergency number (911).
I would also call your local Suicide Prevention Hotline for guidance as to the local authorities and procedures for intervention with a minor, and the legalities of involving, or not involving, her parents.

Unfortunately there is a mindset in many religious circles that you should let the church deal with problems like this one and not go to a "wordly" psychologist or psychiatrist. That is a very dangerous mindset, but is very pervasive in extremist groups. They don't want anyone to have access to control your mind but them.