by Eyeof » Mon Mar 19, 2007 1:55 am
Stephen Ellis is the MAN!!! He is SURVIVOR!!!
1. Stephen Ellis' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
2. Stephen Ellis does not sleep. He waits.
3. Stephen Ellis is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Stephen Ellis is pain.
5. If you can see Stephen Ellis, he can see you. If you can't see Stephen Ellis, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Stephen Ellis has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Stephen Ellis does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Stephen Ellis goes killing.
8. Stephen Ellis doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
9. Stephen Ellis is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.
10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Stephen Ellis, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
11. There is no chin behind Stephen Ellis' beard. There is only another fist.
12. Stephen Ellis once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over thePacific Ocean.
13. Crop circles are Stephen Ellis' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
14. Stephen Ellis is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
15. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Stephen Ellis out. It failed miserably.
16. If you ask Stephen Ellis what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'till." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
17. Stephen Ellis drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
18. Stephen Ellis sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
19. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Stephen Ellis allows to live.
20. Stephen Ellis once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
21. Stephen Ellis is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
22. Stephen Ellis doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
23. When Stephen Ellis sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Stephen Ellis has not had to pay taxes ever.
24. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Stephen Ellis' fist.
25. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Stephen Ellis and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
26. Stephen Ellis will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
27. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Stephen Ellis jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
28. Stephen Ellis originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
29. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodge ball Stephen Ellis played in second grade.
30. Stephen Ellis once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
31. Stephen Ellis once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Stephen Ellis re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
32. Stephen Ellis has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
33. Someone once tried to tell Stephen Ellis that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
34. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
35. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Stephen Ellis once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
36. Stephen Ellis is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Stephen Ellis
37. Stephen Ellis is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
38. Stephen Ellis can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
39. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Stephen Ellis instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
40. If you say Stephen Ellis' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
41. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Stephen Ellis.
42. Stephen Ellis discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Stephen Ellis is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Stephen Ellis roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
43. The Stephen Ellis military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Stephen Ellis could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
44. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Stephen Ellis could use to kill you, including the room itself.
45. Stephen Ellis does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
46. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
47. When Stephen Ellis goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
48. There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Stephen Ellis.
49. Stephen Ellis once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Stephen Ellis won by 5.
50. Stephen Ellis was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
51. Stephen Ellis sheds his skin twice a year.
52. When Stephen Ellis calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn’t get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
53. Stephen Ellis once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
54. There are no races, only countries of people Stephen Ellis has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
55. Stephen Ellis can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
56. A Stephen Ellis-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
57. When Stephen Ellis falls in water, Stephen Ellis doesn't get wet. Water gets Stephen Ellis.
58. Stephen Ellis's urine was the main ingredient for balco's designer steroids. Therefore, Stephen Ellis is actually the all-time single-season home run king.
59. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Stephen Ellis Roundhouse Kick)
60. Stephen Ellis’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
61. When Stephen Ellis has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
62. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Stephen Ellis? ...All of it.
63. Stephen Ellis doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
64. In honor of Stephen Ellis, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".
65. Stephen Ellis CAN believe it's not butter.
66. If tapped, a Stephen Ellis roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
67. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Stephen Ellis has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
68. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Stephen Ellis roundhouse kick.
69. Stephen Ellis invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
70. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Stephen Ellis just to be on the safe side.
71. While urinating, Stephen Ellis is easily capable of welding titanium.
72. Stephen Ellis once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
73. When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Stephen Ellis kills a ninja, he uses every part.
74. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Stephen Ellis calls this "a slow Tuesday."
75. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Stephen Ellis to go around.
76. Stephen Ellis doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Stephen Ellis is Stephen Ellis.
77. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Stephen Ellis, each testicle is larger than the other one.
78. When taking the SAT, write "Stephen Ellis" for every answer. You will score a 1600.
79. Stephen Ellis invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
80. When you're Stephen Ellis, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
81. Stephen Ellis has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
82. On his birthday, Stephen Ellis randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
83. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Stephen Ellis.
84. Stephen Ellis doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Stephen Ellis throws down!
85. In the beginning there was nothing...then Stephen Ellis Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
86. Stephen Ellis has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
87. Stephen Ellis grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
88. Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Stephen Ellis"
89. Stephen Ellis ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
90. Stephen Ellis and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
91. If you Google search "Stephen Ellis getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
92. Stephen Ellis doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
93. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Stephen Ellis. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
94. Stephen Ellis brings the noise AND the funk.
95. You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Stephen Ellis will find you and kill you.
96. Stephen Ellis can slam a revolving door.
97. When Stephen Ellis is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them
98. James Cameron wanted Stephen Ellis to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
99. Stephen Ellis can touch MC Hammer.
100. Little known medical fact: Stephen Ellis invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother’s womb.