If you can read this whole story without laughing, then
there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end . Note: Please take
time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction
of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in
Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off
about the time Halloween comes around. ;It takes up a major portion
of a parking lot at the San AntonioCityPark. Judge #3 was an
inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield , IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't >be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers
to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows t he routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk
from all of the beer..
*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foodsnot much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman
is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac? !
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...< BR>>
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayennepeppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could usemore tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had
given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that
the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
**************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear
end with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the p in, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in
my stomach.
**************************************************!
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on to p of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
