OT - Favorite Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts) Quotes

[Michigan Girl]

Here are some of my favorites:

“If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting”
“You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.”
“It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.”
“To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks."

I LOVE this one!!!

[Eric]

Love these!

[Indyjoe]

When the age of the Vikings came to a close they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

[Michigan Girl]

"My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.”

[epresley]

"My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.”

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Rhiannon]

“Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.”

“What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?”

“If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.”

[Michigan Girl]

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. "

[Rhiannon]

"When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, 'I like mayonnaise.' She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me."



I remember that one from SNL.

[Michigan Girl]

"I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town
we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad."

[Michigan Girl]

"I believe in making the world a safer place for our children. But not our children's children,
because children shouldn't be having sex"

[Rhiannon]

“When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.”

[Michigan Girl]

"I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state~appointed psychiatrist is our "friend"."

[epresley]

“When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.”

Oh man, I just laughed OUT LOUD in the office over this one........I'm about to get into trouble if I don't stop reading.......

[Michigan Girl]

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."



"The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you."

[Chrismo]

"My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.”

[Michigan Girl]

"Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling. "

[Michigan Girl]

"When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car. "

"I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap! "

[epresley]

MG, you're enjoying this way too much

[RossValoryRocks]

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

[Michigan Girl]

"In my next life, I hope I come back as a parrot, because I already know quite a few words. "

[Indyjoe]

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."

Hahahahaha!

I love all these but this one really cracked me up!!

[Michigan Girl]

"Sometimes it's hard to tell if something is actually a memory, or you just dreamed it. So I asked my boss if I called him a lying, stinking thief, or I just dreamed it, and he said I just dreamed it. Whew, that was close."


DNA Got me hooked on JH....I have been CRYING all day!!!

[Michigan Girl]

"One afternoon, when I was about ten, I decided to walk over to the "wrong side of the tracks." At first I was a little scared. But then I noticed that the yards were nice, and so were the houses. In fact, most of the houses were better than those on our side of the tracks. A lot better."

[AlteredDNA]

"Sometimes it's hard to tell if something is actually a memory, or you just dreamed it. So I asked my boss if I called him a lying, stinking thief, or I just dreamed it, and he said I just dreamed it. Whew, that was close."


DNA Got me hooked on JH....I have been CRYING all day!!!

Glad I could make your day...