Musician Jokes

[T-Bone]

Guitarist Jokes

What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.
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How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.
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What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
Both suck when you plug them in.
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How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.
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How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they just steal somebody else's light.
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What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.
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What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
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What's the best thing to play on a guitar?
Solitaire.
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How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.
Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.
One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

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In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source?
Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
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Did you hear about the bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?


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Q - What's the difference between a guitarist and a mutual fund?
A - One matures.

Q - What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A - Homeless.

Q - Why did the drummer join the band?
A - He wanted to hang out with musicians.

Q - How does a guitar player change a light bulb?
A - He lies on the bed so that the room is spinning around it.

Q - How does a guitar player show up for practice?
A - Drunk and late......... as usual

Q - How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune ?
A - Evidently all of them.

Q - How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
A - Give him music to read.

Q - What is the definition of a minor second?
A - Two lead guitarists playing in unision.

Q - How do you make a lead guitarist slow down?
A - Put some sheet music in front of him.

Q - How do you make him stop?
A - Put notes on it.

Q - How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A - Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say
"Not bad, but I could've done better."

Q - What do you throw a drowning guitarist ?
A - His amplifier.

Q - What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A - Counterpoint.

Q - How do you make a guitarist's eyes light up?
A - Shine a flashlight in his ear.

Q - What's the range of a Gibson Les Paul?
A - Depends on how far you throw it.

Q - Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?
A - So the rest of the band can understand them.

Q - What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage?
A - The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

Q - What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A - A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes.


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What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares - neither one's a guitar

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them

How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?
None...they just steal somebody else's light

What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?
"Will the defendant please rise ..."

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."

In the 22nd century..how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source ??
Five..one to actually do it ...
and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

Why bury guitar players 6 feet under?
Because deep down they're all very nice people..

Whats the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish??
You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish ..

How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
"One, two, three; one, two, three."



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More Jokes Found Here:


http://www.guitarsite.com/jokes.htm



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Drummer Jokes:

• How do you tell if the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.

• How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
The knocking speeds up.

• What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?

• What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.

• How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
He doesn't know when to come in

• Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
Because it can keep good time and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

• Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
Me either.

• How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

• How do you get a drummer off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

• What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
Drool.

• What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.

• What's the last thing the band wants to hear the drummer say?
"Hey guys, wanna try one of my songs?"

• What's the first thing a drummer says when he moves to LA?
"Would you like fries with that sir?"

• Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer

• I once asked a drummer how to spell "Mississippi".
He said, "the river or the state?"

• How do guitar players get away with parking in the handicap spots?
They put drumsticks on the dash.

• What do you call a dozen drummers at the bottom of the sea?
A good start!

• Why are drummers always losing their watches?
Everyone knows they have trouble keeping time.

• What do you call a kid with a set of drums?
The poster child for Birth Control.

• What do you call a bunch of kids with drums?
Jerry's Kids.

• What would you call the smartest drummer in the world?
Mildly retarded.

• What do you call 10 guys in a drum circle?
A dope ring.

• What has three legs and an asshole?
A drum stool.

• What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
One will mature and make money

• What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummer's arm?
A tatoo.

• Why do drummers have lots of kids?
They're not too good at the Rhythm Method.

• What's the difference between a large pizza and a drummer?
The pizza can feed a family of four.

• What's the difference between a high school drumline and shoes in a dryer?
Nothing

• What's the biggest lie told to a drummer?
Hang on a minute and I'll help you with your gear.

• Why are band breaks limited to only 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummer.

• What did the drummer say to the band leader?
Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?




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Bassist Jokes



What is a fretless bass good for?
About thirty yards if you use both hands. Print This Page

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What do bass players use for contraception?
Their personalities!
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One night at Club Chintz, the mindreader closes her set by reading the mind of the each of the musicians in the band.

First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist:
"Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! I bet they're all here to see me. Good crowd!"

Then the drummer:
"Look at that crowd! With this many people in the house, we're going to make good money tonight!"

Then the Keyboard player:
"Yeesh, look at that crowd. None of them will ever truly appreciate all of my talent. What a bunch of losers."

Finally, the Bass player:
"E E E E E E E E A A A A A A A A E E E E E E E E..."


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What do you call a beautiful woman on a bassist's arm?
A tattoo.
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What's the difference between a bass and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a bass.


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What is the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a drunk bass player?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.


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Why do some people have an instant aversion to bass solos?
It saves time in the long run.


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What is another term for fretless bass?
A manually-operated Pitch Approximator.


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What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a terrible bass player?
A terrible bass player can kill you.


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How does a bassist's brain cell die?
Alone.


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What do you call a bass player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.


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What do a fretless bass and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.


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Why are upright basses like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.


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How many bass players does it take to pave a driveway?
Seven - if sliced thin and you lay them out correctly.


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How are a bass solo and a blind javelin thrower alike?
Both command immediate attention, alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.


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Relative minor: A bassist's girlfriend.


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Vibrato: Used by fretless players to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.


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What do you do if you run over a bass player?
Back up and make SURE.


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How do you reduce wind-drag on a bassist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof


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What do you call a bass player with a college degree?
Night manager at McDonalds.


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Why do bands have bass players? To translate for the drummer.


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What's the first thing a bass player says at work? "Would you like fries with that?"


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There were two people walking down the street. One was a bass player. The other didn't have any money either.


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St. Peter's still checks ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"

The man says, "I was a doctor."

St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"

The next person says, "I was a school teacher."

"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"

The rumpled, bleary-eyed man says, "I was a bass player."

"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."


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A bassist wins the lottery grand prize of 3 million dollars. During an interview by the local TV station, the reporter asked, "What are you going to do with all that money?" Without missing a beat, he replied, "I'll just keep playing untill the money runs out!"


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One night the band leader approaches the bands bassist and asks him to play a little more free. "What do you mean ?" the bass player asks. The keyboardist replies "well, for instance, when we start ' One Note Samba ', you wait 3 bars and come in on flat 3rd, then play 2 bars and skip the next one. Go straight to the turn around, then play flat 7th for 5 bars, and finish early with a sharp 5th." The bassist considers this for many minutes, and finally says he can't possibly accomplish such a mammoth task, especially since the part the leader described would sound so dissonant. To which the leader angrily says, "well, why not? That's exactly what you played last night!"


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After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, the last child moves out of the house and Mom and Dad announce they're getting a divorce.

The kids are distraught and hire a marriage counselor as a last resort at keeping their parents together.

The counselor works for hours, tries all of his methods, but the couple still won't talk to each other. Finally, he goes over to a closet, brings out a beautiful upright bass and begins to play. After a minute or so, the couple starts talking and they discover that they're not actually that far apart and decide to give their marriage another try.

The kids are amazed and ask the counselor how he managed to do it.

He replies,"I've never seen a couple that wouldn't talk through a bass solo."


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Did you hear about the bass player who was so depressed about his bad timing that he threw himself behind a train?


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How are a fretless bass player and lightning the same?
They never hit the same spot twice.


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Guitarist to girlfirend: Man, the bass player was so bad last night, even the singer noticed!


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A man goes to see the doctor. "Doc, I don't remember what I did last night, but every place I touch hurts a LOT." The doctor replies, "what do you mean, Everywhere?" "I mean EVERYWHERE! How hard is that?" Using his index finger, he begins to touch himself in several places. "It hurts here, [touches forehead], here, [touches chin], here [touches leg], here, [touches elbow]. I'm telling you, I hurt EVERYWHERE." "Hmmmm....let me have a look," the doctor says. After examining the man's hand, the doctor says, "You're a bass player, aren't you?" Astounded, the man exclaims, "how could you know that?" The doctor hides a smile and says, "well, to begin with, you've got a great set of calluses built up on this hand. Also, you've broken your index finger..."


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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the bass player it could be done.


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Bandleader, to auditioning bass player: Tell me about your best gig.
Bass player: They clapped so hard, they almost broke their handcuffs.
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Why don't bass players tell blonde jokes?
They don't understand them.
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What do you throw a drowning bass player?
His Amp.
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How does a bass player count 7/8 time?
1-2-3-4-5-6-sev-en
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What's the difference between a bass player and a pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the guitar player has to show him how to do it.
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How many Pop bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The keyboard player does it with his left hand.
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How many Country bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
One. Five. One. Five.
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How many Reggae bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
Light bulb? We spent da' money on ganja, mon!
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How many Metal bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five -- 1 to change the light bulb and 4 to keep the guitarist from hogging all the light.
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How many Jazz bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
Forget the changes, lets just play!
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How many Acoustic bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to do the job and another to complain that it's electric.
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How many Rock bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
No one ever bothered to notice!
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How many Blues bass players does it take to change a light bulb.
Zero...none of them can afford the replacement.
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How many New Age bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.
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Have you heard about the bass player who locked his keys in his car and nearly missed his gig?
It took him 15 minutes to get his drummer out.
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The worlds greatest Jazz bassist and the worlds greatest Blues bassist meet for lunch. Who pays the tab ?
Neither, they don't charge for the food at the soup kitchen.
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Soooo... the metal bass player says to the funk bassist: "If God had intended me to slap my bass he would have made it look like my boss (ex-wife, mother-in-law, Binladen etc.)
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What's the hardest 3 years of a bass player's life?
Second Grade.
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In a club the band just finished their sound check when the owner sitting at the bar catches the bandleaders eye and shouting across the dance floor says to bring over his musicians for a talk. Noticing the bandleader gesturing the bass player to come over, too, he shouts over again "No, no, I meant the MUSICIANS!"

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What's God's favorite chord?
"G sus."
(Say it three times fast...)
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Son: "Daddy, I want to grow up and be a bass player."
Father: "Son, you can't have it both ways."
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What did the bassist do when he was told to turn on his amp?
He caressed it softly and told it how pretty it looked.
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Why are there four strings on a bass?
Three are spares.
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How many Bassist jokes are there?
Just one -- all the rest are true!
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At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!" The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight." The second bassist turns to him, sneering, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
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How can you tell if your stage is level?
The drool comes out of both sides of the bass player's mouth.
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What do you call a bass player that just broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
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What's the difference between a savings bond and a bass player?
The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.
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A Bass player is on a flight to Africa. On approach, he hears drums. "Flight attendant, I hear drums; is there a special ceremony"?
"Drums good", the attendant replies.
In the taxi, the bass player once again hears drums and asks "I hear drums again, what is going on?"
"Drums good", says the cab driver.

Once at the hotel, the bass player is determined to ask his question again. But just then, the drums stop. "I have been hearing drums all morning and now they have stopped. What is the meaning of this?".

The desk clerk frowns and says "That's bad...now come bass solo".
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What's the difference between a violin and a double bass?
The bass burns longer.
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What's the difference between a cheap trampoline and a cheap acoustic bass guitar?
You have to take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline.
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How do you get a bass player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

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What do you call it when two fretless bassists are playing in unison?
A minor second.
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Other uses for a headless bass (with apologies to all who own these babies):
Canoe Paddle
Fanny Paddle
Get three more and make a windmill
Potato Masher
Guitar Tuner - <Whack!> You wanna tune that thing or what?!?
External Guitar Amp Volume Control - <Whack!> You wanna turn down or what?!?
Metronome - <Whack!> There's the downbeat! <Whack!> There's another one!
Multi-string Bow - OK, that's a stretch. Yow!!
Headache Reliever - <Whack!> Feel better now?!?
Or, just smack ME with the darn thing for writing this.
With so many wonderful uses, I think we should all have one in our arsenal...
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At the IQ Lounge, the staff engages patrons in conversations based on the person's IQ. One evening there are three men at the bar. After learning the first fellow's IQ is 135, the bartender begins a discussion on the latest theory on black hole physics. With the second (IQ 121), he discusses classic literature. The third patron tries to avoid giving his IQ. The bartender persists until the poor guy admits he's got an IQ of 92. At which point the bartender says, "Cool! Do you prefer flatwounds or roundwounds?"
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Little Johnny's father finally agrees to teach him to play bass, just like his dad. For the first lesson, Dad shows Johnny the E string and tells him to practice thumping on just that string. Nice, even quarter notes. For the second lesson, Dad shows Johnny the A string, telling him to just thump away on it - again, nice, even quarter notes. For the third lesson, Dad shows him how to go back and forth: A - E - A - E. Back and forth, just like a Country bass line. Nice, even quarter notes. When Johnny doesn't show up for his fourth lesson, Dad calls his wife at work to see if Johnny forgot about his lesson. The wife replies, "Oh. Didn't you hear? He left this morning to tour with Garth Brooks."
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Just before rehearsal is about to start on the Orchestra's "Bring Your Child to Work Day," the conductor is horrified to see the bass player hitting one of the children.
"You can't do that!" he yells. "Why are you hitting him?"

"He slackened one of my strings" replies the bass player.

"No problem," says the conductor. "Just tune the string up again."

"I can't!" screams the bass player. "He won't tell me which one."

[Arianddu]

Heard many of them before, but still funny.

I love these ones:

What's a good use for an oboe? Kindling for a basoon.

Did you hear about the accordion player who left his car unlocked and his accordion on the back seat? He got back to find the door open... and three more accordions in the car.

Why do roadies say 'Check one-two, one-two'? If they could count to four, they'd be drummers.

What do you get if you cross a drummer with a roadie? An even dummer roadie.

[Babyblue]

never heard of any of them before.But there funny.