OT: A joke to brighten your Monday

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OT: A joke to brighten your Monday

Postby TRAGChick » Tue Aug 22, 2006 12:37 am

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?


Scroll down















The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly!


:wink: 8)
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Postby knox » Tue Aug 22, 2006 1:13 am

Ain't THAT the truth :shock:
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Postby Rockindeano » Tue Aug 22, 2006 1:18 am

Too long...Reading hurts the brain.

How bout this gem?


What do you say to Oprah after you do her in the rear?


How Now Brown Cow?
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re

Postby lights1961 » Tue Aug 22, 2006 2:12 am

Rockn'deano wrote:Too long...Reading hurts the brain.

How bout this gem?


What do you say to Oprah after you do her in the rear?


How Now Brown Cow?


now that was racist... and you are not that smart... as you say you are...

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Re: re

Postby Carlitto H@kk » Tue Aug 22, 2006 2:26 am

lights1961 wrote:
Rockn'deano wrote:Too long...Reading hurts the brain.

How bout this gem?


What do you say to Oprah after you do her in the rear?


How Now Brown Cow?


now that was racist... and you are not that smart... as you say you are...

Rick


Come on, lighten up... That was pretty freakin' funny :)

Just like: Why do blondes have 2 more brain-cells than a cow?

So they don't piss and crap all over you when you fondle their teets :)
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Re: re

Postby Distant Voice » Wed Aug 23, 2006 3:08 pm

Carlitto H@kk wrote:
lights1961 wrote:
Rockn'deano wrote:Too long...Reading hurts the brain.

How bout this gem?


What do you say to Oprah after you do her in the rear?


How Now Brown Cow?


now that was racist... and you are not that smart... as you say you are...

Rick


Come on, lighten up... That was pretty freakin' funny :)

Just like: Why do blondes have 2 more brain-cells than a cow?

So they don't piss and crap all over you when you fondle their teets :)




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Postby NealIsGod » Wed Aug 23, 2006 9:20 pm

How do you tell when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.
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Postby Moon Beam » Thu Aug 24, 2006 12:08 am

Now this is my kinda thread!
Thanks for starting it Nora.


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor
asked the Director what the criterion was which
defined whether or not a patient should be jacket bound.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer
a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him
or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.
"A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger
than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?
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Postby TRAGChick » Thu Aug 24, 2006 12:10 am

Moon Beam wrote:Now this is my kinda thread!
Thanks for starting it Nora.


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor
asked the Director what the criterion was which
defined whether or not a patient should be jacket bound.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer
a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him
or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.
"A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger
than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?


HAHAHA :lol:
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Postby TRAGChick » Thu Aug 24, 2006 12:11 am

NealIsGod wrote:How do you tell when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.



EWWWWWWWWWWWWWwwwwwwwwww......ick :x
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Postby *Laura » Thu Aug 24, 2006 12:11 am

Moon Beam wrote:Now this is my kinda thread!
Thanks for starting it Nora.


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor
asked the Director what the criterion was which
defined whether or not a patient should be jacket bound.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer
a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him
or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.
"A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger
than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?

I'll take that bed,thanks. :lol: :lol:

Sheesh...just had a blonde moment.
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Postby FormerJrnyFan » Thu Aug 24, 2006 12:27 am

NealIsGod wrote:How do you tell when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.
:lol:
... I will ALWAYS be a Sototarian
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Postby Moon Beam » Thu Aug 24, 2006 4:29 am

Loved this one........

Typical Male


A woman in a coma was receiving a sponge bath from the nurses. While washing
the lady's private area, they both noticed that the heart monitor and brain
monitor jumped. To make sure it wasn't a coincidence they tried again and
both machines jumped again.
Quickly one nurse ran out to the lady's husband
and said "Sir, I know this sounds unorthodox, but we
believe that some oral sex will help your wife to come
out of the coma"
"Really?" replied the perplexed husband
"Yes, and don't worry we will give you your privacy,
please follow me"
The nurse led the man to his wife's bed, and closed
the door behind her when she left.
A few minutes later the emergency button flashed
that the lady's monitor had flat lined.
She ran into the room where the woman lay dead.
"What happened??!!" Screamed the nurse hysterically
The husband replied nonchalantly "I think she choked"

:lol: :lol:
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Postby Carlitto H@kk » Thu Aug 24, 2006 4:35 am

Moon Beam wrote:Loved this one........

Typical Male


A woman in a coma was receiving a sponge bath from the nurses. While washing
the lady's private area, they both noticed that the heart monitor and brain
monitor jumped. To make sure it wasn't a coincidence they tried again and
both machines jumped again.
Quickly one nurse ran out to the lady's husband
and said "Sir, I know this sounds unorthodox, but we
believe that some oral sex will help your wife to come
out of the coma"
"Really?" replied the perplexed husband
"Yes, and don't worry we will give you your privacy,
please follow me"
The nurse led the man to his wife's bed, and closed
the door behind her when she left.
A few minutes later the emergency button flashed
that the lady's monitor had flat lined.
She ran into the room where the woman lay dead.
"What happened??!!" Screamed the nurse hysterically
The husband replied nonchalantly "I think she choked"

:lol: :lol:


HAAAAA I get it!!!

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That deserved TWO obligatory, overly-used Emoticons!!!
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Postby TRAGChick » Fri Aug 25, 2006 12:00 am

Once upon a time
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent,
~~~~~~~~
self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat
~~~~~~~~
contemplating ecological issues
~~~~~~~~
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
~~~~~~~~
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
~~~~~~~~
and said: " Elegant Lady,
~~~~~~~~
I was once a handsome prince,
~~~~~~~~
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
~~~~~~~
and I will turn back
~~~~~~~~
into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and set up housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children, ~~~~~~~~
and forever feel
~~~~~~~~
grateful and happy doing so. "
~~~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on lightly sautéed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
"I don't freakin think so."
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Postby NealIsGod » Fri Aug 25, 2006 12:03 am

A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested , "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously. Then said, "I am a lonely old lady without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chicken's, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
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Postby Blueskies » Fri Aug 25, 2006 12:15 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby *Laura » Fri Aug 25, 2006 12:18 am

A WEEK AT THE GYM - ONE MAN'S STORY

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary...
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in GREAT shape since playing on my college football team about 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.............

Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but and it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo! Grrrr! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I was burning calories just looking at her. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class.
Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday:
I hate Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not to show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.
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Postby TRAGChick » Fri Aug 25, 2006 12:27 am

LMAO, Shania! :lol:

Oh my God...I can TOTALLY relate....I started to take a Hip-Hop dance class to get in shape....

...no weights or anything, so I figured I was "safe", RIGHT??

Wrong!

EVERYthing hurts soooo much!! :evil:
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Postby Lilla_Forever » Fri Aug 25, 2006 12:50 am

Fun thread :lol:

Some of the Aussies here may know this, it is a true story, swear to God! I am telling it as I remember it so bear with me.

Appearently, An Australian radio station has a competition where the most unfortunate person wins a prize. This story won.

A tired overworked mom had a million things to do one day, including a gyneachologist appointment. Thinking that she better clean up a bit before going there she went to the bathroom and found a seemingly clean and nice cloth to clean herself up with. She threw the cloth away afterwards. She then stormed out the door, driving kids to school and so on.

She then came to the gyneachologists where she lay down to be examined. The doctor said, "My haven't we made an extra effort for this visit?". The mom didn't really take notice of it and went through the exam and went on to grocery shop and pick her little girl up from school.

They came home and after a while, the girl came running out of the bathroom saying "Mom, mom where is the cloth in the bathroom?" The mom said, "I have thrown it away." The girl then said "But moom, it had all my silver glitter powder in it!"
"Wherever you go, go with all your heart" - Confucius
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Postby TRAGChick » Fri Aug 25, 2006 12:54 am

Lilla_Forever wrote:Fun thread :lol:

Some of the Aussies here may know this, it is a true story, swear to God! I am telling it as I remember it so bear with me.

Appearently, An Australian radio station has a competition where the most unfortunate person wins a prize. This story won.

A tired overworked mom had a million things to do one day, including a gyneachologist appointment. Thinking that she better clean up a bit before going there she went to the bathroom and found a seemingly clean and nice cloth to clean herself up with. She threw the cloth away afterwards. She then stormed out the door, driving kids to school and so on.

She then came to the gyneachologists where she lay down to be examined. The doctor said, "My haven't we made an extra effort for this visit?". The mom didn't really take notice of it and went through the exam and went on to grocery shop and pick her little girl up from school.

They came home and after a while, the girl came running out of the bathroom saying "Mom, mom where is the cloth in the bathroom?" The mom said, "I have thrown it away." The girl then said "But moom, it had all my silver glitter powder in it!"


:shock: :oops: :lol:
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Postby jabber » Fri Aug 25, 2006 8:25 am

Know why they give Viagra to old guys in nursing homes?



...to keep them from rolling out of the bed.
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Postby Moon Beam » Fri Aug 25, 2006 8:30 am

Lilla_Forever wrote:Fun thread :lol:

Some of the Aussies here may know this, it is a true story, swear to God! I am telling it as I remember it so bear with me.

Appearently, An Australian radio station has a competition where the most unfortunate person wins a prize. This story won.

A tired overworked mom had a million things to do one day, including a gyneachologist appointment. Thinking that she better clean up a bit before going there she went to the bathroom and found a seemingly clean and nice cloth to clean herself up with. She threw the cloth away afterwards. She then stormed out the door, driving kids to school and so on.

She then came to the gyneachologists where she lay down to be examined. The doctor said, "My haven't we made an extra effort for this visit?". The mom didn't really take notice of it and went through the exam and went on to grocery shop and pick her little girl up from school.

They came home and after a while, the girl came running out of the bathroom saying "Mom, mom where is the cloth in the bathroom?" The mom said, "I have thrown it away." The girl then said "But moom, it had all my silver glitter powder in it!"


:lol: that was funny thanks
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Postby atthistime » Fri Aug 25, 2006 9:39 am

A little boy and girl went for a walk in the woods. The little boy said to the little girl, "I'd like to get in your pants." The little girl said, "Why?" The little boy said, "Because I shit in mine."
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Postby jabber » Fri Aug 25, 2006 1:20 pm

What do Michael Jackson and JC Penney have in common?


... they both have little boys' pants half-off.
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Postby Lilla_Forever » Fri Aug 25, 2006 5:14 pm

Moon Beam wrote:
Lilla_Forever wrote:Fun thread :lol:

Some of the Aussies here may know this, it is a true story, swear to God! I am telling it as I remember it so bear with me.

Appearently, An Australian radio station has a competition where the most unfortunate person wins a prize. This story won.

A tired overworked mom had a million things to do one day, including a gyneachologist appointment. Thinking that she better clean up a bit before going there she went to the bathroom and found a seemingly clean and nice cloth to clean herself up with. She threw the cloth away afterwards. She then stormed out the door, driving kids to school and so on.

She then came to the gyneachologists where she lay down to be examined. The doctor said, "My haven't we made an extra effort for this visit?". The mom didn't really take notice of it and went through the exam and went on to grocery shop and pick her little girl up from school.

They came home and after a while, the girl came running out of the bathroom saying "Mom, mom where is the cloth in the bathroom?" The mom said, "I have thrown it away." The girl then said "But moom, it had all my silver glitter powder in it!"


:lol: that was funny thanks


You're welcome :)
"Wherever you go, go with all your heart" - Confucius
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Postby Rockindeano » Sat Aug 26, 2006 4:28 am

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?


Because all the Mexicans who can jump, run and swim are already in the United States. :lol:
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Postby *Laura » Sat Aug 26, 2006 4:37 am

Why doesn't the snake have balls?



Because he would look like a dick.


:lol: :lol:
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Postby Rockindeano » Sat Aug 26, 2006 4:40 am

How do you know if your sperm count is good?

She has to chew to swallow. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby NealIsGod » Sat Aug 26, 2006 4:45 am

Rockn'deano wrote:How do you know if your sperm count is good?

She has to chew to swallow. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


Chuck Norris' sperm are the size of a quarter.
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