MR

heres a few one liners for starters:

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." .


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?" "Don't you start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

English humour...the best...and the one that they all follow!

can you do better?

Dude those are some pretty lame jokes and I personally take offense to the one about strawberry heads

thevoicelover wrote:Dude those are some pretty lame jokes and I personally take offense to the one about strawberry heads

aw, a tear for you.

thevoicelover wrote:Dude those are some pretty lame jokes and I personally take offense to the one about strawberry heads

man..they aint just lame...they are tragic one liners...... kinda thought they wld suit some o the lame heads that hang around here sometimes.... kinda like Jokes for Zombies

Dont judge people with strawberries growing out of their heads. Thats all I gotta say

Did you get dropped on your head when you were a baby? I love watching you make yourself look like a smacked ass.

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied. "And I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
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"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." and *poof* she's
gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.


The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was
laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

Too funny.

Limies making fun of the Chinese and especially the Irish. The Irish are so much the better people than the Brits....Better teeth too.

Rockn'deano wrote:The Irish are so much the better people than the Brits....Better teeth too.

neilmaclookalike wrote:

thevoicelover wrote:Dude those are some pretty lame jokes and I personally take offense to the one about strawberry heads

man..they aint just lame...they are tragic one liners...... kinda thought they wld suit some o the lame heads that hang around here sometimes.... kinda like Jokes for Zombies

Neil- to you personally- May the crabs from a 1000 whores invade your thong

Rockn'deano wrote:The Irish are so much the better people than the Brits....Better teeth too.

Well, then thank God I have "Irish" teeth....I'm Irish AND English!!

Q: What did the Blonde say after the first time she had sex?

A: "So, like, are all you guys on the same TEAM?"

Rockn'deano wrote:Too funny.

Limies making fun of the Chinese and especially the Irish. The Irish are so much the better people than the Brits....Better teeth too.

DAMN SKIPPY. LOL

Not a joke per say but funny none the less.
Even funnier that I posted it in another thread first by mistake!

Moon Beam wrote:Not a joke per say but funny none the less.
Even funnier that I posted it in another thread first by mistake!

Alligators:
Two alligators sitting on the edge of a swamp. Small one turns to the big one... "I don't understand why you are so much bigger than me. We're the same age & were the same size as kids...I don't get it".

Well, says the big gator, "what have you been eating"?

"Lawyers...same as you", replies the small gator.

Hmmm...."well, WHERE do you catch them"?

"Down at that law firm by the edge of the swamp".

"Same here says the big gator. Hmmm....well, HOW do you catch them"?

Well, I crawl under their BMW's and wait for someone to unlock the door, then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em and eat 'em!"

Ah...says the big gator, "I think I see your problem. See...by the time you get done shakin the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase"!!!

EightyRock wrote:Alligators:
Two alligators sitting on the edge of a swamp. Small one turns to the big one... "I don't understand why you are so much bigger than me. We're the same age & were the same size as kids...I don't get it".

Well, says the big gator, "what have you been eating"?

"Lawyers...same as you", replies the small gator.

Hmmm...."well, WHERE do you catch them"?

"Down at that law firm by the edge of the swamp".

"Same here says the big gator. Hmmm....well, HOW do you catch them"?

Well, I crawl under their BMW's and wait for someone to unlock the door, then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em and eat 'em!"

Ah...says the big gator, "I think I see your problem. See...by the time you get done shakin the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase"!!!

A "little" racist joke...

What do you say to Oprah after you fuck her in the ass?

Answer- How now, Brown Cow?

Little Johnny:

Little Johnny is going with his parents over to their friends house to see a new baby.
Johnny's Dad warns Johnny that new baby has been born without ears.
Johnny's Dad says, "Johnny, please do not mention to anyone the baby doesn't have
ears, we don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable."
Johnny's Dad continues with, "Johnny be good while we are there or you'll be in trouble."
They arrive at the friends house and Johnny wants to see the baby first thing.
Johnny tells the new mother, "My your baby is very pretty."
The new mother says, "Thanks you Johnny, that was very nice of you to say."
Johnny continues with, "The baby also has very pretty eyes, can he see well?"
The new mother says, "Yes the baby can see quite well."
Little Johnny replies, "Well its a good fuckin thing cause that little bastard would be outta luck
if he ever needs glasses!"

Johnny's the Man!

L8r,

Aaron

Rockn'deano wrote:A "little" racist joke...

What do you say to Oprah after you fuck her in the ass?

Answer- How now, Brown Cow?

Oh Dean that was as bad as my Micheal pic.

2 fly's land on a piece of shit..they are hangin out,

until one fly lifts his leg and farts.....

the other fly says, "excuse me, but I'm tryin to eat here."

Dean'o my Daddy told me that one when I was ten.
Still a classic though

Two blondes walk into a building.
You'd think ONE of them would have seen it...

Jabberwocky wrote:Two blondes walk into a building.
You'd think ONE of them would have seen it...

another good one

did u hear there is a new color paint? blonde, aint too bright but it spreads easy!

Kind of lame, but since it has a music "theme" to it, thought I'd post it here...

The world expert on European wasps was strolling past a record shop. A sign caught his eye: "New Album - Wasps of the World!” The man asked to hear the album and was given headphones. Three minutes later, he announced, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognize none of those." The clerk offered to play another track. And another. And another. Still, the expert did not hear sounds he recognized. Suddenly, the clerk realized his mistake. "I'm really sorry," he said. "I was playing you the bee side."

P.S. I borrowed this from a newsletter I get.