My version of "The Night Before Christmas"

[7 Wishes]

OK, I was bored around Christmas of last year, with all of my students on vacation and my clients taking the week off to gain back all the weight they had lost during the previous 51 weeks. This just kind of came to me after a couple of Franzeskahner Heffeweissen:

Every Who
Down in Rock-ville
Liked Bubba a lot
But Gingrich
Who lived just north of Rockville
DID NOT!!

Gingrich hated Bubba! For all of his treasons!
Now, please don't ask why. Only he knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right
It could be, perhaps, that his pants were too tight
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his brain was two sizes too small

But, whatever the reason, his brain or his trousers
He tried to call attention to Gennifer Flowers
Staring down from his office with a Gingrich-y frown
At the enlightened liberals who lived in Georgetown
For he knew every Democrat in Rockville beneath
Was pontificating now with their far-out-left speech

"And they support welfare!" he sneered into his beer
"Tomorrow's election day! It's practically here!"
Then his bowels that with his Gingrich-y diet were rumbling
Said "I must find a way to stop Bubba from coming!"

For, tomorrow, he knew
All the lower-class boys and girls
Would wake up bright and early, to Dollar Store toys!

That the Dems, young and old, were a sham and a trend
And they'd spend! And they'd spend!
And they'd spend spend spend!
They would spend on Education and cut down on Defence!
And never allow Newt to build that Mexican fence!

And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all
Every liberal in Soho, the beatniks and dems
Would stand close together, with the division bell ringing
Take a stand against the GOP when the mud started flinging

And they'd spend! And they'd spend!
And they'd spend spend spend!
And the more Gingrich thought of this Liberal fling
The more Gingrich thought "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why, for fifty-six years we've put up with them now!
"I must stop the flag burners from winning!"
But HOW?

Then he got an idea!
An unlawful idea!
Gingrich had a wonderful, unlawful idea!

"I know just what to do!" Gingrich laughed in his throat!
And he quickly called Halderman on his 50-foot boat
And he chuckled, and clucked,
"What a Gingrich-y trick!
With this shirt and these slacks
I look just like tricky Dick!"

"All I need is a precedent!"
And Gingrich looked around
But the law was so scarce, there was none to be found
Did that stop old Gingrich?
No! He simply said
"If I can't find a precedent, I'll make up one instead!"
So he called his dog, Trent
And he took some red ink
And after he was done there arose quite a stink!

Then he loaded some pork
Onto an unappropriated tax he'd bent
On a ramshackle bill
That he hitched to old Trent

Then Newt said "Giddayap!"
And the bill started down
Towards the House and the Senate
In old Washing-town

And the windows were dark, and a dread filled the air
As the Dems were all dreaming about spending without care
When he came to the first little House by the square
"This is stop number one" old Gingrich hissed
And he started to read all those names on his list

Then he slipped on the Mata, a rather tight pinch
But if Erlichman could do it, than so told old Gingrich
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two
Then he stuck out his neck as the allegations flew
Where the Democrats stood gaping all in their row
"That welfare," he grinned, "is the first thing to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile so unpleasant
That it shriveled the balls of the Dems past and the present
"More pistols! More rifles! More Remington guns!
More free trade! More missiles! More defence! Number one!"
And he stuffed all his pockets, and then very nimbly,
Took all of the credit for the deal with the Trimbleys!

Then he slunk to his office as he lathered the grease
To get himself through the hole in the crease
He cleaned out the Senate as quick as a flash
Why, that Gingrich handed out a can of whoop-ass!

Then he stuffed all the pockets of the good old fat cats
"And now!" grinned old Gingrich, "I'll feed fire to this spat!"
And old Newt grabbed the coat tails and started to shove
When he heard a calling from heaven above
He turned around fast and his face turned blue
Just like Carmine Raguso when Laverne turned the screw

Old Newt had been caught by his wife and his daughter
In the hospital bed when she asked for some water
They stared at Gingrich and said "But Newt, why?
"Why stipulate the the divorce terms here? Why?"

But you know, that old Newt was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," old Gingrich he lied
"That professor's a friend I consult on the side,
"So I took her back to my home office, my dear
"And fixed her up there, before I came over here!"

And his fib fooled the child and he patted her head
He took the kitchen sink and left her in bed
And when she went back to bed with her cup
He went back to the office to seal the deal up!

Then the last thing he took was the log for their fire
And moved back to Rockville himself, the old liar
On their walls he left nothing but some hooks and some wire
And the one speck of food
He left in the White House
Was a crumb that was too small for even Millhouse!

Then he did the same thing
To all the low-income houses
Leaving crumbs much too small
For even low-income mouses

It was quarter past dawn
And the Dems, still a-bed
And the Liberals, still a-snooze
When he packed up the shed!
Packed it up with the pork barrel spending trappings
From the rich and the richer and the tax and cut wrappings!

He saw his chance and decided to jump it
He rode with his old dirty laundry to dump it!
"Pish-posh to the Liberals!" he was Gingrich-ly humming
"They'll soon find out that Bill Clinton's not coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"The polls will be open in a moment or two!
"And the Dems down in Georgetown will all cry Boo-Hoo!"

"That's a noise," said old Newt
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused, and Gingrich put his fat hand to his ear
And he did hear a sound in the twilight's last glow
It started out low, then it started to grow

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, the Libs sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it was merry! Very!

He looked down at the Senate
And old Newt popped his eyes
Then he shook - what a shocking surprise!

Every beatnik in Georgetown, the white and the small
Was voting! Without any conscience at all!
It HADN'T stopped Bubba from winning!
HE WON!
Somehow or other, he won just the same!

And Gingrich, his his Newt-like feet ice cold in the snow
Stood puzzling and puzzling
"How could it be so!
"They voted for Liberals! They voted for taxes!
"They voted for spending! They voted for Daschle!"

And he puzzled three hours, 'til his brain was sore
Then Newt thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe votes," he thought, "can't be bought like before!
"Maybe voters, " he mused, "think a little bit more!"

And what happened then?
Well, in Georgetown they say
That the big Gingrich tent
Shrunk three sizes that day!

And the minute he stopped appealing to the Moderate right
He whizzed away his chances for his party to fight
And the Libs brought back education! And food for the poor!
And Newt himself...was shoved out the door!

@2006 Daniel Ames

[squirt1]

BORING!!!

[Saint John]

Wow....good shit. Even as a Republican I found that to be great work. That must've taken forever.

[7 Wishes]

Believe it or not, mediocre part-time writers like me often have cathartic moments. It only took me an hour.

Now, this piece of shit novel I've been working on for nine years. I've put thousands of hours into it, and it's so ridiculously long and complicated that I've forgotten half the characters, or what I intended for them when I introduced them.

[Rhiannon]

Now, this piece of shit novel I've been working on for nine years. I've put thousands of hours into it, and it's so ridiculously long and complicated that I've forgotten half the characters, or what I intended for them when I introduced them.

That's not uncommon. I have an old harddrive FULL of shit that I started, worked on furiously for a few weeks, forgot about/got bored with/whatever... and it sucks because I am great at writing the beginning and the end, its all that shit in the middle that I never can fill in.

Either way, thanks for sharing that. Good read.