OT - Favorite Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts) Quotes

[AlteredDNA]

Love the Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. Post your faves. Here's one of mine:

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a women out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in Heaven -- with a gun."

[AlteredDNA]

No fans? Ok - here's another one:

If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should just say we were kidding, that this isn't our real civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our real civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with a new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye.

[Michigan Girl]

The Saturday Night Live Jack Handy?

[AlteredDNA]

The Saturday Night Live Jack Handy?

Yes...

[Michigan Girl]

The Saturday Night Live Jack Handy?

Yes...

I can't remember anything lengthy....I know this....“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”
It's funny when he says it....not so much when I see it here!!!

Is this the right guy?

[AlteredDNA]

The Saturday Night Live Jack Handy?

Yes...

I can't remember anything lengthy....I know this....“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”
It's funny when he says it....not so much when I see it here!!!

Is this the right guy?

You got it...

I've been working the past three days with little to no sleep, and in my "altered" state, I'm finding the Deep Thoughts quite amusing this evening...

Here's another:

Whenever I read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room with you. Which is why I never read good books.

[Michigan Girl]

Another mean one...............“If a kid asks where rain comes from, tell him because "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, a cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."”

Awful!!!

[AlteredDNA]

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

[Michigan Girl]

“If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins.
Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real
grenade at them.”



I cheated....but it fits w/yours!!!

[AlteredDNA]

Thanks for playing along, MG. Nice to know I'm not alone with my Deep Thoughts...

If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then when they came to get me, I'd say "Injection? I thought you said 'inspection'". They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.

[Michigan Girl]

[Michigan Girl]

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail.”

OK....I don't believe this....but it's funny!!!

[AlteredDNA]

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

[Michigan Girl]

“Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad.
And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.”

[AlteredDNA]

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

[TRAGChick]

"If Trees could scream,
Would we be so cavalier
About cutting them down?

We might....
If they screamed all the time
For no good reason..."

....This has been another Deep Thought...by Jack Handey....

[Michigan Girl]

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

Those are my initials

C A W!!!

[AlteredDNA]

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

[Michigan Girl]

“Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and answer to, all of life's problems.”

[AlteredDNA]

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

[Michigan Girl]

[AlteredDNA]

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."

[Michigan Girl]

Last one for tonight!!! Hope you get some rest soon, DNA!!! Was Fun and FUNNY!!!


"When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned.
Do not have sex with the authorities.”

Something to THINK about!!!

[AlteredDNA]

Thanks MG...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

[Michigan Girl]

[Michigan Girl]

LMAO!!!! I'd like to add......


“I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.”

“If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to
laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.”

“I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.”:wink:

[AlteredDNA]

Thought you were done, MG (but I'm glad you came back)...

[Indyjoe]

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

That's it!!! That is my favorite one!! I had forgotten that one!

Hahahahahahahahaha!

[stevew2]

i never got it, but by that time of night i was wasted

[Chrismo]

Here are some of my favorites:

“If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting”
“You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.”
“It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.”
“To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks."