MR

WITH ALL THE THINGS GOING ON AROUND US, SOME GOOD, SOME BAD, I HOPE THIS JOKES WILL HELP YOU TO EASE SOME OF STRESS WE ARE FACING IN OUR DAILY LIFE. I HOPE ANDREW DON"T MIND ME TO POST IT HERE. (courtesy of jack).
"To Make You Smile"

A young man goes to the pharmacy and
asks the pharmacists:
"Hello, could you give me a condom.
My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and
I think she is expecting something from me!"

The pharmacists gives him the condom;
and as the young man is going out,
he returns and tells him:
"Give me another condom because
my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.
She always crosses her legs in a
provocative manner when she sees me and
I think she expects something from me too.."

The pharmacists gives him a second condom;
and as the boy is leaving,
he turns back and says:
"After all, give me one more condom
because my girlfriend's mom is still
pretty cute and when she sees me
she always makes allusions....
and since she invited me for dinner,
I think she is expecting something from me!!!"

During dinner, the young man is sitting with
his girlfriend on his left,
the sister on his right and the mom facing him.

When the dad gets there,
the boy lowers his head and starts praying:

"Dear Lord, bless this dinner........
thank you for all you give us. . . . ! ! !

A minute later the boy is still praying:
Thank you Lord for your kindness....."

Ten minutes go on and the boy
is still praying, keeping his head down.

The other look at each other surprised
and his girlfriend even more than the others.
She gets close to the boy and
tells him in his ear:
"I didn't know you were so religious! ! !"

The boy replies:
"I didn't know your dad was a Pharmacist!!
............................................................

Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
Student: That's not true! My dad sez we are descendants of an Ape!
Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY
................................................................................

WHO'S GUILTY?

Wife dreaming in the middle of the night suddenly shouts "QUICK MY HUSBAND IS BACK"
Man get's up, jump out the window and realizes "DAMN, I am the husband!
.......................................................................................................
What is the difference between a girlfriend, a call girl and a wife?
Postpaid, prepaid and unlimited!!!!

................................................................................................

PINOY IS REALLY SOMETHING!!!!!
Filipino Applies for a Job at Wal-Mart. An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. .. An American, a Russian, an Australian and a Filipino. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging Dave, the American on his right, the man replied, " A THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian. "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio replied, " Apter herring da 3 frevyos ansers sirrr, et's obyus to me dat the fastest thang known is Diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"O I can expleyn serrr ." said Eleuterio . " YOU SEE SERR, DA other day I wasn't Peeeling so good and I run soo fast to the CR or bathroom,But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT,( ay 'tang ina,) OMG!!! I already had a big poo-poo in my pants.

Eleuterio is now the new "Greeter" at Wal-Mart. ROFL!!!

Those were terrible!!

by the way - Australians have farms (little) or stations (effing HUGE) - not ranches. There's one cattle station in the Northern Territory that is bigger than Texas.

Come on now, that first one ain't half bad I didn't think.

---------------

Little Red Riding Hood is preparing to go out to see her grandmother one evening. Her mother stops her as she's leaving and says "Little Red Riding Hood, where are you going?" Little Red Riding Hood replies "I'm going to go see grandmum." Her mother tells her she better not cause the Big Bad Wolf is out there in the woods and if he catches her, he's going to have sex with you. So Little red Riding Hood says "That's o.k., I'm packing a sawed off 12 gauge." So Little Red Riding Hood heads out the door for grandmother's house. Half way through the woods, Little Red Riding Hood runs across the three little pigs. They ask her what she's doing out in the middle of the forest so late at night for. She replies: "I'm going to see grandma." At which point the the Three Little Pigs reply: "Are you crazy! The Big Bad Wolf is out here and if he catches you, he's going to have sex with you. At which point Little Red Riding Hood reaches into the duffle and pulls out the gun and says, "That's o.k. boys, I'm packing my sawed off 12 gauge shotgun." The Three Little Pigs then take off running and Little Red Riding Hood contunues to beebop on her merry way to grandma's house.

As she gets near grandma's house, the Big Bad Wolf pops out of no where right in front of Little Red Riding Hood. At which point, the Big Bad Wolf says, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood, cause now I'm going to have sex wth you. But before the Big Bad Wolf could go any further, Little Red Riding Hood whips out her sawed off 12 gauge, aims it at the Big Bad Wolf and says: "Oh no your not! Your going to eat me like the book says!"

---------------------------------------------------

A little past 7pm one night, a guy steps out for a few minutes to pick up something for his wife at the grocery store that she needs in order to complete the meal that she's been cooking. As he gets to the store, he runs into an old buddy of his and they get to talking. Before long the two are at the bar next door from the grocery store, the guy tells his friend that he needs to make this a fast drink cause his wife is home waiting for the item he picked up at the grocery store. The two order up a drink and chug it down while talking about old times. Next thing they know, it's a quarter past midnight and they've drank a dozen drinks a piece. At which point the guy yells, "Oh fuck! I forgot to get back home, my wife is going to kick me out!" So he pays his tab and runs out the bar and drives home. As he's driving he's thinking how he's going to go back into the house, knowing his wife must be completely furious at him. He parks the car out front and quietly creeps in the house. Upon getting through the front door, he see's what looks like a few pieces of luggage in the entry way. "She must have packed up my shit" he thinks to himself. So he creeps ever so quietly into the bedroom without making a sound. Inside the bedroom, in the moonlight beaming through the bedroom windonw, he sees his wife's feet sticking out of the covers at the end of the bed. Thinking fast he comes up with a terrific idea. Knowing how much his wife loves when he gives her oral sex, he gets this great idea to sneak into bed and give her some.

So he creeps over to the foot of the bed and crawls up between her feet and up her legs. He commences to give her oral for a good solid five minutes. After he's through, he creeps down the covers and heads to the bathroom to wash the goo off his face. In the bathroom, he closes the door and turns on the light. He turns around and there he sees his wife sitting on the pot. At which time, he screems, Honey! What are you doing here! She says "sshhhh, you'll wake your mother, she unexpectedly came to visit and is sleeping in our bed tonight."

The Sushi Hunter wrote:Come on now, that first one ain't half bad I didn't think.

I agree.....I liked the first joke very much, although, this isn't the first time I've heard it....cute!! Thanks, Jack and Audrey!!!

Now your jokes?....

j/k....lol!!!

Nobody likes my jokes here.

Tito wrote:Nobody likes my jokes here.

I don't recall you telling a joke, but I've heard you being
called a joke .....I like you!!

Tito wrote:Nobody likes my jokes here.

But... but... I've never heard any of your jokes! Enquiring minds want to know - how bad can a Tito joke be?

An ant was walking through the forest when he came upon an elephant with a thorn stuck in it's foot. The elephant was in great discomfort, and begged the ant for help. After thinking for a bit the ant said "Ok, I'll remove the thorn, but I want something in return". The elephant replied "Anything. Whatever you want!". The ant said "After I remove the thorn, I want to &$^@ you from behind". The elephant, while taken back at first, quickly agreed. The ant removed the thorn, and then climbed up the backside of the elephant and started "going to town".

Meanwhile, a monkey up in a coconut tree had been watching the whole thing, and thought to himself "That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen". He took a coconut from the tree, and hurled it down, hitting the elephent square in the head. The elephant yelled loudly "Ouch!!!", to which the ant replied "That's right! Take it all, Bitch!!!".

Two old geezers are sitting on a park bench chatting, when a pair of newlyweds enter the 'Honeymoon Suite' next to where they are sitting. The guy carries the girl over the threshold.....so the geezers continue chatting. Five minutes later the guy comes out with a fishing pole and tacklebox. The old men look at each other, then call the guy over.

'Excuse me young man, we couldn't help notice that you just got married and are on your honeymoon. You should be in there making the woopie with your new wife', says one of the old men.

'Eh...well, not so simple. She's got gonorrhea.', replies the groom

The other senior speaks up, 'Well she's got two other holes, ya know.'

'Well, that may be true, but she's got diarrhea, too', says the groom.

The old men look at each other, crack huge smiles, and say, in unison, 'Well she's got ONE more hole left!'

To that the groom replies, 'That's the thing, she's got pyorrhea as well'

Old man number 2 grabs the man by the collar and shouts, 'Dagnabbit, son...she's got all these things, why in the hell did you marry her??'

'Honestly', answers the groom, 'she's got worms too and I like to fish.'

StocktontoMalone wrote:Two old geezers are sitting on a park bench chatting, when a pair of newlyweds enter the 'Honeymoon Suite' next to where they are sitting. The guy carries the girl over the threshold.....so the geezers continue chatting. Five minutes later the guy comes out with a fishing pole and tacklebox. The old men look at each other, then call the guy over.

'Excuse me young man, we couldn't help notice that you just got married and are on your honeymoon. You should be in there making the woopie with your new wife', says one of the old men.

'Eh...well, not so simple. She's got gonorrhea.', replies the groom

The other senior speaks up, 'Well she's got two other holes, ya know.'

'Well, that may be true, but she's got diarrhea, too', says the groom.

The old men look at each other, crack huge smiles, and say, in unison, 'Well she's got ONE more hole left!'

To that the groom replies, 'That's the thing, she's got pyorrhea as well'

Old man number 2 grabs the man by the collar and shouts, 'Dagnabbit, son...she's got all these things, why in the hell did you marry her??'

'Honestly', answers the groom, 'she's got worms too and I like to fish.'

He could have went to the pound and got a dog with worms for that. And with a dog, he'd at least have someone he could take hunting with him. Win Win situation.

A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past , looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Fuuuu - k dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

Arianddu wrote:A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past , looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Fuuuu - k dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

Arianddu wrote:A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past , looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Fuuuu - k dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

Same here, love it!

RESTROOM SIGNS



Beauty is only a light switch away.

Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
__________________________________________

If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.

Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC
__________________________________________

Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.

The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO
__________________________________________

No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.

Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC
__________________________________________

It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.

Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ
__________________________________________

Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!

Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
__________________________________________

If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.

Revolution Books
New York , New York .
__________________________________________

If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!

Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC
___________________________________________

Express Lane:
Five beers or less

Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ
___________________________________________

No wonder you always go home alone.

Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s , CA

~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:

If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it

Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
____________________________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
____________________________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
____________________________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
____________________________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
____________________________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Hung Chow calls into work and says "hey boss, i no come to work today, i really sick. i got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come to work"!

The boss says "I really need you today. When i feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That make everything better and i go to work. you try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and i feel great! I be at work soon.....you got really nice house."

Uno_up wrote:Hung Chow calls into work and says "hey boss, i no come to work today, i really sick. i got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come to work"!

The boss says "I really need you today. When i feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That make everything better and i go to work. you try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and i feel great! I be at work soon.....you got really nice house."

Uno_up wrote:Hung Chow calls into work and says "hey boss, i no come to work today, i really sick. i got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come to work"!

The boss says "I really need you today. When i feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That make everything better and i go to work. you try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and i feel great! I be at work soon.....you got really nice house."

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: 'Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field.'
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son. 'What's wrong?' the father asked. 'I told you to be quiet.'

The boy, bless his heart, answered;

Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,

'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'

' Well, I guess I just panicked '

It's not a joke, but this made me laugh harder than I have in a very long time!

http://s2.photobucket.com/albums/y20/PerthPurplePenguin/vids/?action=view&current=cvUMHvLZ.flv

Arianddu wrote:It's not a joke, but this made me laugh harder than I have in a very long time!

http://s2.photobucket.com/albums/y20/PerthPurplePenguin/vids/?action=view&current=cvUMHvLZ.flv

ha ha!!! that was darling! reminds me of The Office movie....

A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH

He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the
shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out the
window and gave the woman the finger. ' Man, that guy is stupid,' I
thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner
whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the
bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to 982 cars
every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure
I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every
day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women
drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that
has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so.

Arianddu wrote:

Tito wrote:Nobody likes my jokes here.

But... but... I've never heard any of your jokes! Enquiring minds want to know - how bad can a Tito joke be?

The last joke I put up got deleted and Andrew warned me.

The first joke I put up, I had to delete myself.

Tito wrote:

Arianddu wrote:

Tito wrote:Nobody likes my jokes here.

But... but... I've never heard any of your jokes! Enquiring minds want to know - how bad can a Tito joke be?

The last joke I put up got deleted and Andrew warned me.

The first joke I put up, I had to delete myself.

Tito wrote:

Arianddu wrote:

Tito wrote:Nobody likes my jokes here.

But... but... I've never heard any of your jokes! Enquiring minds want to know - how bad can a Tito joke be?

The last joke I put up got deleted and Andrew warned me.

The first joke I put up, I had to delete myself.

By Chance, did they involve a neanderthal and small lizard?

Gunbot wrote:

Tito wrote:

Arianddu wrote:

Tito wrote:Nobody likes my jokes here.

But... but... I've never heard any of your jokes! Enquiring minds want to know - how bad can a Tito joke be?

The last joke I put up got deleted and Andrew warned me.

The first joke I put up, I had to delete myself.

By Chance, did they involve a neanderthal and small lizard?

no.

Two guys were playing golf behind two women. They kept getting slower and slower.

One of the guys went ahead to ask if they could play through. He got halfway and realized that it was his wife and his girlfriend. He came running back and told his buddy.

So his friend went ahead to talk the women, and he too stopped and came running back.

The first guy asked what happened. The second just kinda laughed and said, "It's a small world isn't it?"


later~

Arianddu wrote:

Tito wrote:Nobody likes my jokes here.

But... but... I've never heard any of your jokes! Enquiring minds want to know - how bad can a Tito joke be?

UH....................must we venture there? Loves ya Tito!

Tito wrote:

Arianddu wrote:

Tito wrote:Nobody likes my jokes here.

But... but... I've never heard any of your jokes! Enquiring minds want to know - how bad can a Tito joke be?

The last joke I put up got deleted and Andrew warned me.

The first joke I put up, I had to delete myself.

lol......you didn't like it either?

Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.

Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.

Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer crissakes, Paddy, that's yer air feshener!"