Funny Dad Sayings

[tj]

My brother passed away almost 2 years ago. I was thinking about him today and how we used to laugh a lot at our dad when we were growing up. Sometimes we were making fun of him, but mostly he would say stuff that was really funny to us. It usually would PO our mom, so that got him saying even more.

Once, we were walking through the mall and a girl with a large rear end and too tight shorts was walking in front of us. Dad said: "That girls butt looks like two pigs rasslin under a blanket". My brother and I just lost it. Mom threw a fit and didn't talk to any of us the rest of the night.

Dad was always saying something funny. Still is.

Anyone else have a family member with funny sayings?

[Saint John]

lol...that's a great line. Thanks for sharing that story and I'm sorry to hear about your brother.

[Rhiannon]

*approaching railroad crossings*
Daddy: "Hey look, a train's just been through here."
Little Rhi-Rhi: "How do you know that Daddy?"
Daddy: "It left its tracks! Harharhar!"

*talking to my Dad this evening*
Daddy: "So what'd you do last night?"
Hungover Rhi-Rhi: "Went out to the bars with the girls."
Daddy: "I guess you got up and went to church this morning, didn't you?"

*opening a Christmas gift one year*
Daddy: "Oh, bubble bath..."
Person: "You don't like bubble bath?"
Daddy: "Course I do, I just usually make my own bubbles! Harharhar!"



Love that man.

[Arianddu]

My Dad had some style when dealing with his daughters' boyfriends! Unless Dad knew the guy already, if me or my sister wanted to go out with a boy, then he had to come for dinner with the family first. The same thing happened every time; Dad would insist on having a roast for dinner. Script would run something like this:

Dad: So, you like my daughter Ari/Katy?
Young man desirous of taking out one of Dad's daughters: Yes...
Dad: And I understand you would like to take her out?
YM: Yes...
Dad: And I'm sure you'll treat her with the utmost respect (and at this point, he's taking out an old velvet bound case which he would dramatically open)
YM: Of course I wi...
Dad: (removing one of the antique autopsy knives from the case and a sharpening stone, leaving the autopsy saw in the case) Because my daughter is very special, and I wouldn't like it if she got hurt.
(starts sharpening the already razor sharp knife)
These are the best knives for carving I know of.
(Starts carving the roast and changes the subject for a few minutes. YM relaxes as Dad tells jokes and is generally friendly)

Dad: You know, I still remember the first body I cut up with this knife...

At this point, there was a long, meaninful silence from my Dad, punctured by wails from me or my sister

Dad's idea of sex education was special: when my step-mother got pregnant when I was six, "Where Did I Come From" appeared on my bookshelves, and because I read everything, I read it. When I was 10 and my boobs started growing, "What's Happening To My Body?" appeared on my bookshelves...

When I was sixteen I was going out with my cousin's 20 year old best friend; when he dropped me home in his silver and black V8 Torana at three in the morning and my neck was covered in hickies, Dad initially didn't say a word, he just went into his study, pulled out a book called something like "Diagnositics of Sexually Transmitted Diseases with Full Colour Photographs", sat me down and insisted on showing me the whole book: "This is what tertiary syphillis looks like, this is what herpes does to you, this is what untreated gonorrhoea looks like..." - for a whole hour while I was squirming and yelling "Daddy! We're using condoms! Enough already!!!!!"

Worked though!

[Don]

My early experiments with cologne usually resulted in my dad going "Jesus H. Christ, somebody smells like a French Whore".

[stevew2]

Me and my dad would call each other "asshole". He has early parkinsons. i know he is having a good day when i call him and he says"hey asshole how ya doing"

[StoneCold]

Me and my dad would call each other "asshole". He has early parkinsons. i know he is having a good day when i call him and he says"hey asshole how ya doing"

[stevew2]

My early experiments with cologne usually resulted in my dad going "Jesus H. Christ, somebody smells like a French Whore".

you dad sounds like mine,we used to drive around checkin out 'snappers' hot girls

[epresley]

Couple of my dad's classics lines:

"Beats all I ever stepped in"
"You have to believe it to see it"


My dad was a school administrator for 33 years. On one occasion a parent challenged him to come outside and "settle things". He told the parent he would, but first he had to say two things:

1. "I'll press charges against you" and
2. "There's a good chance you can't whip my ass"

Always thought that was hilarious.

[Arianddu]

Couple of my dad's classics lines:

"Beats all I ever stepped in"
"You have to believe it to see it"


My dad was a school administrator for 33 years. On one occasion a parent challenged him to come outside and "settle things". He told the parent he would, but first he had to say two things:

1. "I'll press charges against you" and
2. "There's a good chance you can't whip my ass"

Always thought that was hilarious.

[Gibby]

When something startles my dad he says things like - "Good night nurse!" and "Holy Judas Priest!"

[Michigan Girl]

"How many times do I have to say it?.....quit playing like a girl"!!!

[strangegrey]

*approaching railroad crossings*
Daddy: "Hey look, a train's just been through here."
Little Rhi-Rhi: "How do you know that Daddy?"
Daddy: "It left its tracks! Harharhar!"

*talking to my Dad this evening*
Daddy: "So what'd you do last night?"
Hungover Rhi-Rhi: "Went out to the bars with the girls."
Daddy: "I guess you got up and went to church this morning, didn't you?"

*opening a Christmas gift one year*
Daddy: "Oh, bubble bath..."
Person: "You don't like bubble bath?"
Daddy: "Course I do, I just usually make my own bubbles! Harharhar!"



Love that man.

Now this explains ALOT about you, Rhi!

[tj]

A couple more of my dad's include:

"He's so stupid he couldn't find his A** with both hands and a flashlight!"

Or the variation "He's so stupid he couldn't find his A** with both hands and a roadmap!"

Perhaps the best ever, which still brings tears to my eyes laughing, is when someone farts he says "JEEMENY, something must have crawled up your A** and died". Crude, but that's my dad.

[SherriBerry]

One of my dad's sayings at the dinner table when I was growing up was 'Eat it - it'll put hair on your chest',
so of course then I'd refuse to eat whatever it was.

I mentioned that story to my doctor during my last breast exam and joked how I was grateful for the warning,
as it probably saved me a thousand dollars in laser fees and she burst out laughing -
apparently her dad used to say the same thing.

Anything to lighten an awkward moment!

[Rhiannon]

Now this explains ALOT about you, Rhi!

Thank you! Heheh.

[tj]

One of my dad's sayings at the dinner table when I was growing up was 'Eat it - it'll put hair on your chest',
so of course then I'd refuse to eat whatever it was.

I mentioned that story to my doctor during my last breast exam and joked how I was grateful for the warning,
as it probably saved me a thousand dollars in laser fees and she burst out laughing -
apparently her dad used to say the same thing.

Anything to lighten an awkward moment!

My dad said this too. I use it with my daughters now. They roll their eyes at me.

[stevew2]

like the he d say." Thats as useless as tits on a boar hog"

[Don]

It's Cold as a Witch's Tit!
(Or the tamer)
The hawk is out!

[Rhiannon]

My Papa told me something one time that has stuck with me forever...

My Granny was notorious for getting on your everlovin nerves. You'd be sitting watching football, she'd start in with how "Opal Mae across town has been dealing with a bad case of the gout and have you seen the price of milk lately? Oh, I was down at Old Town Market today and that little boy you went to pre-school with is working the checkout, he's going off to school at Tech in the fall. You know, you'd better learn how to start liking green beans and collards if you're ever gonna get a husband." (Hmm... maybe that's why I'm single...?)

And one day in particular, she had me almost in tears with some smart comment she made, and my Papa walked past me in the living room, put his arm around my shoulder and said, "Sis" (his nickname for me and my Aunt Suzi), "don't let her get under your skin, I've been married to her for 57 years, she makes me madder'n a hornet, so that's why I pretend I'm losing my hearing. Truth is, I could hear a pin drop in the next county." And he chuckled and walked off. Made me feel much better.

[Lula]

as my pop opened his beer he's say "first one today" and "good luck, God love ya" as he took a drink.

irish catholics

[Balls Mahoney]

My Dad tells my nephews every Christmas that he got them something to wear and something to play with:

A pair of pants with a hole inside the pocket!

Every year they laugh at it. Probably because they cant keep their hands off their dorks.

[artist4perry]

He named me after a famous dancer.
I am 5'2" tall. My dad used to tell me, honey its good to be small. Your the last to feel the rain, but unfortunatly the first to smell the farts. Then he would chuckle.
He used to sing 5'2" eyes of blue to me as a child. I never grew any taller!
He was the pull my finger guy.

But, he was, and is the best father a girl can ever ask for. Corny with jokes, but long on patience and love. That is why he is not just a father, he is "Daddy". And always will be.

[tj]

Another one I thought of. My dad was, and still is, always going to "fire up" something. Like, "I need to fire up the lawn mower." Or, "I am going to fire up the Christmas lights."

My favorite variation was when he would tell my little brother and I to "get in there and fire up the bathtub!"

[stevew2]

My Papa told me something one time that has stuck with me forever...

My Granny was notorious for getting on your everlovin nerves. You'd be sitting watching football, she'd start in with how "Opal Mae across town has been dealing with a bad case of the gout and have you seen the price of milk lately? Oh, I was down at Old Town Market today and that little boy you went to pre-school with is working the checkout, he's going off to school at Tech in the fall. You know, you'd better learn how to start liking green beans and collards if you're ever gonna get a husband." (Hmm... maybe that's why I'm single...?)

And one day in particular, she had me almost in tears with some smart comment she made, and my Papa walked past me in the living room, put his arm around my shoulder and said, "Sis" (his nickname for me and my Aunt Suzi), "don't let her get under your skin, I've been married to her for 57 years, she makes me madder'n a hornet, so that's why I pretend I'm losing my hearing. Truth is, I could hear a pin drop in the next county." And he chuckled and walked off. Made me feel much better.

Wise man ,smarter then a witches tit

[Behshad]

This isnt a funny dad saying but something a tad funny involving a dad that happened here at work.

2 farmers in their 50's ran into eachother here in our showroom,,,,

Farmer 1 :"Hey John, how you been man?"
Farmer 2" Not too bad Ray. Yourself?"
Farmer 1"Pretty good man. Hey I bumped into your dad last week"
Farmer 2" My dad's been dead for 6 years man"
Farmer 1" I know..... I mow the cemetary and bumped into his headstone with my mower! "

[YoungJRNY]

My dad kind of has a raspier voice and has the same saying for any situation you can put him in. Doesn't matter if it's a Steelers game, or having a conversation about food.

It's always

"Nooo Shiiit?"
or
"You've gotta' be SHITTIN' me?"
or
"AwwwNOoooooOOoo"

Imagine it in kind of like a Hulk Hogan voice mixed in witha little dramatics. Me and my brother laugh all the time because we know it's coming haha.

[tj]

My dad kind of has a raspier voice and has the same saying for any situation you can put him in. Doesn't matter if it's a Steelers game, or having a conversation about food.

It's always

"Nooo Shiiit?"
or
"You've gotta' be SHITTIN' me?"
or
"AwwwNOoooooOOoo"

Imagine it in kind of like a Hulk Hogan voice mixed in witha little dramatics. Me and my brother laugh all the time because we know it's coming haha.

The knowing it's coming part is what is the best. You know it's coming, it has been for years, no one else (especially your wife and her family) can see ANY humor in it, yet you still get a chuckle or bust a gut laughing.

[tj]

Another good one: "Blow it out your A**!"

[Angiekay]

My early experiments with cologne usually resulted in my dad going "Jesus H. Christ, somebody smells like a French Whore".

That was one of my dad's favorite sayings!!! He's been gone ten years and I can still hear him saying that!

After I left home for college, when I'd come home my dad would ask if I went to church and I'd say yes and he'd say, "where? The church of St Mattress?"

"You're going to school to learn, not for a fashion show"

Of course the ever famous, "Close the door, were you born in a barn!?"