MR

Meals on Wheels







A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

artist4perry wrote:Meals on Wheels







A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

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A young man, looking for a job in a new city, went to a department store to see if the could get hired. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

The manager liked the guy so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The man said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"$101,237.64" The man replied.

The manager choked and exclaimed $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Silverado".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?".

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said........."Well, since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go fishing!""

How do you get the Florida State grad off your porch???
Pay him for the pizza.....

ScarabGator wrote:How do you get the Florida State grad off your porch???
Pay him for the pizza.....

How do you get a Texas Longhorn Cheerleader into your dorm?


Grease her hips and push real hard!!!

Rick wrote:

ScarabGator wrote:How do you get the Florida State grad off your porch???
Pay him for the pizza.....

How do you get a Texas Longhorn Cheerleader into your dorm?


Grease her hips and push real hard!!!

Why do palm trees lean towards Tallahassee???
Because Florida State SUCKS!!!!!

Thought we could use a funny thread. Seems too much drama for this mamma in some others...........par for the course! Time to lighten up a bit.............Thanks guys for the contribution of jokes! Keep it rollin!

artist4perry wrote:Thought we could use a funny thread. Seems too much drama for this mamma in some others...........par for the course! Time to lighten up a bit.............Thanks guys for the contribution of jokes! Keep it rollin!

There you go, thinking again.

Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river. The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river. The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.

Gunbot wrote:

artist4perry wrote:Thought we could use a funny thread. Seems too much drama for this mamma in some others...........par for the course! Time to lighten up a bit.............Thanks guys for the contribution of jokes! Keep it rollin!

There you go, thinking again.

Go brush your cavities.................

Rick wrote:

ScarabGator wrote:How do you get the Florida State grad off your porch???
Pay him for the pizza.....

How do you get a Texas Longhorn Cheerleader into your dorm?


Grease her hips and push real hard!!!

Very similar to how you get a FSU co-ed into your dorm....grease her hips and throw a twinkie into the dorm.

Fact Finder wrote:Guy walks into a bar...barkeep asks "what'll ya have"
Guy says.."line me up 6 shots of Jack"
Barkeep lines up 6 glasses and fills them up
Guy grabs each glass one at a time and shoots down all six shots one by one
Barkeep says.."you celebrating or something"
Guys says.."yeah, I'm celebrating my first blow job"
Barkeep says.."GREAT have a 7th on the house"
Guy says.."na..if six don't kill the taste nothing will"



you said lame didn't you?

Why does that one leave a bad taste in your mouth? (just kidding!)

Ok, so the Sesame Street bus is going on it's daily route. On the first stop, the driver picks up two very large ladies and they board the bus. At the next stop the driver picks up Ross-Ross is mentally challenged. At the next stop the driver cringes as Lester Reese boards the bus because Lester has a habit of picking at bunions on his feet while he's on the bus. So...you know what we have now????
















Two obese fatties, special Ross, Lester Reese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus.

Angel wrote:Ok, so the Sesame Street bus is going on it's daily route. On the first stop, the driver picks up two very large ladies and they board the bus. At the next stop the driver picks up Ross-Ross is mentally challenged. At the next stop the driver cringes as Lester Reese boards the bus because Lester has a habit of picking at bunions on his feet while he's on the bus. So...you know what we have now????
















Two obese fatties, special Ross, Lester Reese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus.

This is the way I heard it, the ladies names were Patty..........lol!
Two all Beef Patties, special Ross, Lester Reese picking bunnions on the Sesame Street Bus!

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios and looked inside?




"Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Melissa wrote:What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios and looked inside?




"Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Thats cute!

One day Superman is really horny and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing on a beach naked! He gets an idea... "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her powers.

So he zooms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What the was that!?!". Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"

RockinDeano, Saint John and stevew2 were all killed in a terrible car accident and they all congretate at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter comes out and to tell them their fate for the rest of eternity. Just then, the ugliest woman the three have ever seen comes out-wearing nothing but panties and a bra. She weighs around 800 pounds, hasn't showered in ages, she smells bad, she has no teeth and, she's an avid Jonathan Cain fan. St Peter turns to stevew2 and says "Stevew2, for the life you've lived and the sins you've committed, you must spend the rest of eternity with this woman. {if you know what I mean}" Steve and the woman leave together.

A few minutes later another woman comes out and she is so ugly she makes the previous one look like a super model. She is scary ugly and St. John and RockinDeano can't stand to even look at her. She is also a die hard Democrat. St Peter turns to Saint John and says "Dan, for the life you've lived and the sins you've committed you must spend the rest of eternity with this woman. Dan is devastated and doesn't know how in the world he'll cope and they leave together to begin their "eternity" together.

Rockin'Deano is the last one left. Suddenly he looks up and sees Jennifer Connelly walk out. She walks up and stands next to St Peter. St Peter turns to Jennifer Connelly and says "Jennifer, for the life you've lived and the sins you've committed........."

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

A guy goes into a bar and notices a sign that says "make the old horse out behind the bar laugh, and you can drink all night for free". He goes up to the bartender and says "what the hell...I'll give it a try". The Bartender replies with "good luck...in 15 years, nobody's ever made that horse laugh!"

The guy finished his beer, then walks out back. A couple of minutes later, the bartender hears the horse out there laughing like hell! He runs out there, and sure enough, the guy did it! He's amazed, and tells the guy that the drinks are on the house for the whole night.

The next night the guy returns to the bar and sits down for a drink. He notices a new sign posted at the bar that says "make the hourse out behind the bar cry and you can drink all night for free". He gets up from the bar, grabs his beer and tells the bartender he's going to try to make the horse cry. The bartender says "good luck...in 15 years, nobody's ever made that horse cry!". The guy goes out back and within two minutes, the bartender just hears the most terrible sounds he's ever heard!!! He runs out back, and sure enough...that damn horse is just crying like a baby!

The bartender says "Look... I'll honor the sign and the free beer thing, but 1st you've gotta tell me what you did to my horse!. 1st, you made him laugh like hell, and now he won't quit crying...What did you do?"

The guy looks down at his beer and says...."well, last night I told him my dick was bigger than his....tonight I showed him!"


Thank you, and good night!

We need a drum roll.........Ba dume dume!

Rick wrote:

artist4perry wrote:Meals on Wheels







A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young man, looking for a job in a new city, went to a department store to see if the could get hired. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

The manager liked the guy so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The man said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"$101,237.64" The man replied.

The manager choked and exclaimed $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Silverado".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?".

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said........."Well, since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go fishing!""

I am LMAO!!!....Priceless!!!

Generally speaking, how late does a band play?

About two beats behind the drummer.




Little Georgie wanted a bicycle for his birthday, and was talking to his grandmother about it. Granny, being a bit of an old fashioned type, told him that he should pray to the Virgin Mary to intercede on his behalf, but that he would need to prove to the mother of God that he was a good boy and worthy of her regard. So little Georgie has a bit of a think about this, and then kneels before the painting of Mary his mother has hanging in the living room.

"Holy Mary, Mother of God," he prays, "please help me get a bicycle for my birthday, and I'll be a good boy, the best there has ever been: I'll do all my chores without being asked, and my brother's, I'll eat all my vegetables, even broccoli, I'll do my homework before TV and I won't fight with my little sister about what we watch. Please, let me have a bicycle and I'll be good for a whole month!"

Feeling satisfied that he has done his best, Georgie gets up and goes to watch TV, but then remembers he's promised to do his homework before he watches TV. He drags himself off to his room to struggle with his 6 times tables, and then when his homework is finished, he goes back to watch TV but his little sister wants to watch some dumb show and he promised not to fight with her. Georgie starts to think that maybe he promised a bit too much, so he goes back to the picture of the Virgin Mary, kneels down and prays again.

"Holy Mary, Mother of God, please, you know I want a bicycle more than anything, but you know, it's really hard to be a good boy for a whole month, so if you'll just talk to God and persuade him to let me have a bike for my birthday, I promise I'll be a good boy for a whole week! I'll even wash the back of my neck and behind my ears without being told to!"

Feeling better, he gets up and hears his mother calling him to dinner. As the family eats, Georgie looks at his plate in despair, and slowly starts working his way through a mound of broccoli, brussel sprouts and mushy, overcooked peas. His mother is talking to his father, and is telling him that Uncle Joe has had a bumper crop from his vegetable garden, more than his family can eat, so he's bringing over the surplus tomorrow. Enough for them to have lots of fresh vegetables every day for more than a week, especially broccoli!

Georgie thinks long and hard about his promise to the Virgin Mary, and comes to a decision. He goes to the mantlepiece and takes down the small statue of Jesus of the Sacred Heart kept there, takes it to his room, puts it in his wardrobe and locks the door, putting the key in his pocket. Then he goes back to the painting of the Virgin Mary, kneels down and begins:

"Holy Mary, Mother of God...
















....if you ever want to see your son again, make sure I get a bicycle for my birthday!"

An uncle wanted to know why his dim witted nephew took three days to make a hundred fifty mile trip to his house and the nephew replied he kept seeing signs that said 'clean restrooms ahead'.....


what happened to the man who cut his left side off.....he was all right.



hear about the mechanic who worked underneath his car all night?


he woke up oily in the morning.

what do you call a woman who can balance six pints of lager on her head?

Beatrix

Heard this one at work last night:


A blond walk into a library and says "I'd like to file a complaint." The Librarian says "Well, why whats wrong." That blond says "I checked out a book the had a lot of names and no plot." The librarian says " So your the idiot that stole our phone book."

Hm...lame joke list. Aight...

A snail was crossing the road when he was "run" over by a turtle. A policeman came along and asked him to recount the incident. "I don't remember," said the snail, "it all happened so fast!"

What do gay horses eat?

HAAYYYYYY!!!!!!

Art Vandelay wrote:What do gay horses eat?

HAAYYYYYY!!!!!!

LOL! My daughter told me that one................and it's all in how ya say the "haaaayyyy!" Finger snap and all.....

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse".

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed."You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse .... alone". The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully .... for the last time .... I said....."BRING POSSE!"

One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ , a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'