I need some advice.

[conversationpc]

Rick, I wouldn't beat yourself up about losing your temper. I don't think it's bad for kids to see their folks/guardians get upset and lose their temper once in a while. I think it shows you at least care enough to let her know about it.

[JH'sTXfan]

That's a great point -- no one gets it perfect all the time. I'll never forget the day the guys came in the door after school with the oldest , Steve , announcing, "Scott told the coach to fuck himself." Rut row.

+1 on the Gregg av!

[steveo777]

How do you handle things like that without losing your temper?

I don't. I have no patience whatsoever!

Then I hope you don't breed.........or did you already?

[Rick]

Rick, I wouldn't beat yourself up about losing your temper. I don't think it's bad for kids to see their folks/guardians get upset and lose their temper once in a while. I think it shows you at least care enough to let her know about it.

Thanks Dave, that is very reassuring. Happy Birthday too!

[StevePerryHair]

I will update my situation here, since I am very proud of my daughter. When we got home, I told her I didn't appreciate her talking to me that way in the store, just as I'm sure she didn't like when I did that to her. And that I don't' think I deserved it, and that was really disappointing.

So about a half hour ago, she asked me to talk to her. Break through moment. She said "mom, I appreciate you have rules for me. I know that I need them, and I know that means you're a good mom and you care about me. But I just hate being reminded of them all the time. You tease me a lot, that I cant' buy this or that, because you say dad wouldn't like it, and that just really bothers me and frustrates me and it comes out when you don't like things I like. I hate being teased about that. "

So I told her that I never said in this situation that her DAD wouldn't like the short shorts, I said that I didn't like them!! So she said "yes, I knew they were too short too, I was seeing how far I could go. I know I was wrong. " I guess this is why I try not to worry too much! She DOES ultimately get it!!! I don't know what planet she dropped off of, because I never would have said anything like this to my mom! I was more stubborn I think. I think they ALL get it though. Eventually. Some are just more stubborn than others, and some take longer!!

Anyway, I told her that I will try not to tease her the way I do, but she needs to work on holding in her frustrations until we can both talk about it rationally IN PRIVATE!

[Melissa]

She's a great kid and you're a great mom! You try the best that you know how and as parents that's all we can do, and hope for the best.

[StevePerryHair]

She's a great kid and you're a great mom! You try the best that you know how and as parents that's all we can do, and hope for the best.

Thanks:) I figure that I couldn't have messed up that situation too bad, if at the end of the day, I made her think that much, and got that mature of a response. But more importantly, good communication too.

And speaking of white trash!! There is a Rosanne Barr quote about kids that makes me laugh.
"As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job."

Somedays, it's like that. And I have good kids and somedays are like that! But luckily, the rewards of raising kids far outweighs the craziness!

[Michigan Girl]

She's a great kid and you're a great mom! You try the best that you know how and as parents that's all we can do, and hope for the best.

I don't know Lynny as a mom, and not really
even very much as a person, but with what little of her company
I have shared, that^^ would be my guess. I'll bet she's making growing
up as fun and enjoyable as possible and that's what it's all about. Tomorrow
comes quick, folks waaaayyyy too quick!!

[Michigan Girl]

Rick, I wouldn't beat yourself up about losing your temper. I don't think it's bad for kids to see their folks/guardians get upset and lose their temper once in a while. I think it shows you at least care enough to let her know about it.

Totally agree ...now you can talk about it!!

[StevePerryHair]

She's a great kid and you're a great mom! You try the best that you know how and as parents that's all we can do, and hope for the best.

I don't know Lynny as a mom, and not really
even very much as a person, but with what little of her company
I have shared, that^^ would be my guess. I'll bet she's making growing
up as fun and enjoyable as possible and that's what it's all about. Tomorrow
comes quick, folks waaaayyyy too quick!!

Thanks MG:) We all laugh A LOT in my house! Humor is something we enjoy, and have passed onto the kids. I love seeing their senses of humor come through at this age especially! I know you must be a fun mom too! And my oldest is 17, and I see adulthood approaching, it DOES make you wonder where the hell time goes!! At some point, it just started moving SO quickly!!!

[Michigan Girl]

I will say though that she has been a really good kid.

Tell her that ... and then ask why she's acting the way she's acting. Being a teenager is a motherfucker and maybe she's going through something related to that that you don't know about. Kids want to know you care about them and their problems. That, more than any amount of yelling, will get her to open up and (probably) change the way she's acting.

This is incredible ...tear!!
But sometimes I just have to yell!!

[Michigan Girl]

She's a great kid and you're a great mom! You try the best that you know how and as parents that's all we can do, and hope for the best.

I don't know Lynny as a mom, and not really
even very much as a person, but with what little of her company
I have shared, that^^ would be my guess. I'll bet she's making growing
up as fun and enjoyable as possible and that's what it's all about. Tomorrow
comes quick, folks waaaayyyy too quick!!

Thanks MG:) We all laugh A LOT in my house! Humor is something we enjoy, and have passed onto the kids. I love seeing their senses of humor come through at this age especially! I know you must be a fun mom too! And my oldest is 17, and I see adulthood approaching, it DOES make you wonder where the hell time goes!! At some point, it just started moving SO quickly!!!

I agree ...laugh, laugh, laugh!!
Some friends and I were reminiscing just the other day about the silly and
crazy things that our kids did throughout the years and we were LOAO!!
I said, "dang we were lucky" ...and we all just stared at each other, because
really, we were just lucky!! You give it your all, you do the very best you that
you can do and sometimes, hopefully most of the time, you end up lucky!!

[No Surprize]

I have to reply. My dad was a hard man to please. He was the youngest of 12 kids, raised by a middle sister when both of his parents died in a house fire when

he was only 9. Growing up, I played sports day in & day out. Through the rec leagues, Jr. high, high school, college. No matter how well I played, never heard a

word of praise, good game, etc. By high school I knew it would never happen. But, if I did wrong, I was hearing it for the next 2 days. I guess he just didn't know

how to say something positive, I do not know to this day. He had a temper, and wasn't afraid, if I fucked up, to bring the belt out of the loops and whip my ass!

I just visited with him today, he came by for about an hour (he lives in Costa Rica), went to hug him and he just shrugged it off. I still love him though. That

being said, I love my kid. He's 15, in all honors class's, makes straight A's and a helluva guitar player. Every day, I hug him & tell him I love him, something I

never got from my parents and something I made a point to do if I ever had any children. Last wednesday he had youth church group meeting. I told him I

would stop and get a sub for supper since youth group starts at 5:30pm and last till 7:30. So, I get 2 sandwiches, his & mine and stick both of them in the

fridge. He comes home, grabs the first sandwich he sees, opens it up and it wasn't toasted.(I forgot to tell them to toast it) He sticks in the microwave & nukes

it, gets it out and discovers it has tomatoes on it, Holy Fuck!. He makes a remark about it and it pissed me off. So I went into the kitchen to see and he actually

got my sandwich by mistake. I got his out of the fridge,(All this after a few remarks) and thru his sandwich against the wall. First time I ever lost it with him.

After he went to his room I started thinking how fucking stupid to get into an argument over a sandwich, a SANDWICH came between me & my son! So, we

both talked and both apologized to each other and ended up laughing about it. Life is to short, it will never happen again!

[StevePerryHair]

I have to reply. My dad was a hard man to please. He was the youngest of 12 kids, raised by a middle sister when both of his parents died in a house fire when

he was only 9. Growing up, I played sports day in & day out. Through the rec leagues, Jr. high, high school, college. No matter how well I played, never heard a

word of praise, good game, etc. By high school I knew it would never happen. But, if I did wrong, I was hearing it for the next 2 days. I guess he just didn't know

how to say something positive, I do not know to this day. He had a temper, and wasn't afraid, if I fucked up, to bring the belt out of the loops and whip my ass!

I just visited with him today, he came by for about an hour (he lives in Costa Rica), went to hug him and he just shrugged it off. I still love him though. That

being said, I love my kid. He's 15, in all honors class's, makes straight A's and a helluva guitar player. Every day, I hug him & tell him I love him, something I

never got from my parents and something I made a point to do if I ever had any children. Last wednesday he had youth church group meeting. I told him I

would stop and get a sub for supper since youth group starts at 5:30pm and last till 7:30. So, I get 2 sandwiches, his & mine and stick both of them in the

fridge. He comes home, grabs the first sandwich he sees, opens it up and it wasn't toasted.(I forgot to tell them to toast it) He sticks in the microwave & nukes

it, gets it out and discovers it has tomatoes on it, Holy Fuck!. He makes a remark about it and it pissed me off. So I went into the kitchen to see and he actually

got my sandwich by mistake. I got his out of the fridge,(All this after a few remarks) and thru his sandwich against the wall. First time I ever lost it with him.

After he went to his room I started thinking how fucking stupid to get into an argument over a sandwich, a SANDWICH came between me & my son! So, we

both talked and both apologized to each other and ended up laughing about it. Life is to short, it will never happen again!

I have a vivid memory of one of the very few times my mom lost it with me. At 16, I was arguing with her, for the 100th time over my curfew. I got so mouthy, and she had a head of lettuce out, about to make a salad for dinner. Let's just say that head of lettuce ended up hurled across the room, I ducked, and it hit the wall and exploded into about 100 pieces of lettuce!! At the time, it wasn't so funny, and my dad wasn't too happy when he got home. BUT, to this day we laugh about it, because it was funny. It's good when you can laugh about things and realize how stupid you were, as a kid or as a parent!! It's all part of growing!! I think kids teach us to grow up too!!!

[epresley]

Rick, it's tough. I have a 13 year old daughter and a 15 year old daughter and pretty dang often, I say something that I regret. I'm working like a son-of-a-bitch to not lose my temper as often with them. It's hard, very, very hard to control your temper, especially with something like a smart mouth. That is a non-negotiable at my house, but my girls will try it, especially the older one, pretty often!!!!!!! This too shall pass.

Do what I do......go kick the cat about 20 feet in the air.

[artist4perry]

A lot of you know that my wife's niece, Neelee, came to live with us some time ago. Well, she just turned 14 yesterday, and has began to develop a smart mouth. She said something to Debbie just a bit ago, and it wasn't so much what she said, but the disrespectful way she said it, and it really pissed me off. So I came unglued on her. I had already told Debbie on a couple of occasions that I'm about to get onto her for her mouth. I don't like raising my voice, but I did. Among other things, I told her that if I ever hear her talking to Debbie like that again, she will never see her cell phone again. I don't like the way I handled it, at all. I don't like getting mad, but sometimes things like that, especially disrespect, just go through me in a bad way.

How do you handle things like that without losing your temper?

Rick, I have raised two teens, and I have 150 of other people's teenage children to deal with every day!

It is easy to loose your cool. But you were not wrong to tell her that that was disrespectful, and it would not be tolerated. This is a crucial age for teens. They are wanting to find their independence but at the same time are not ready to be an adult. They hate being embarrassed in public. Don't bother to discuss it in the heat of the moment. It seems if you can get yourself together, speak calmly, and in private, children take it better.

Also, tell her how she came across, ask her if she would like to be spoken to in that manner. Ask her if she loves Debbie........and if so, why would she speak to her in such a manner?

Unfortunately, so many kids watching bad manners on TV, and their parents not correcting bad manners has created a whole generation of "ME" oriented children. I have students who say,"I can say whatever I want!" We should never treat our little girls like spoiled little princesses or spoiled like bad apples they will become!
The hardest thing to teach is respect of authority or parents. Good luck! I had my battles with Rose when she was home.........but amazingly enough I stood my ground, she grew up, and thanked me for teaching her how to act.

Teens are unfinished adults, we have to lead them in the right manner. It might not click till they are grown, but boy how good it feels when they come back later and apologize, and realize you did what was best! Love her, she needs it!

P.S. All parents lose their cool once in a while! I know I have! Sometimes they need to see you will not put up with that kind of behavior, and you mean it!

[conversationpc]

I'm not a parent who thinks it's never the right thing to do to yell. Obviously, if you are CONSTANTLY yelling, you probably suck as a parent. However, there's not a damn thing wrong with using the volume God gave you. He didn't give us the upper registers just to scream "Fire!" or sing along to Journey.

[artist4perry]

Haven't read every reply, but as a Father of 3 (2 girls sandwiched with a boy), my advice is to put the fear of god in them early and often.

I gave them the "LOOK" and they did as I said! No questions asked. They knew when they had pushed the button. My fits were bigger than theirs and I won every time. It wasn't personal, it's just the way it was. Bedtime was bedtime and the shoes/clothes went in the closet not on the floor. You drive the car when I say and will be home at x time. etc..

Stand your ground when she pisses you off. Nothing wrong with that, she'll learn. Actions have consequenses and words have meaning.

DADDY?

True that! LOL! Now with kids other than mine that don't always work so well......but it won't hurt to raise your voice if it gets the point across. They need to see that it won't be tolerated. And the pity party to follow will piddle out in time! LOL!

[Arianddu]

I think the most important thing is to make sure, once you've cooled down, that she understands why you were angry, and that what you don't like is the behaviour, not her. Sometimes I think kids need to hear that while parental love is/should be unconditional, parental like is as conditional as liking anyone else.

[yulog]

Thanks for all the great advice. I'm definitely going to apologize for raising my voice and explain that it's never the way to get things accomplished.

She had a friend over, who I'm sure she was showing off for. And her friend talks to her mom like a dog, so that probably had something to do with it also.

I may still take her cell phone away though. I'm still fuckin pissed.

My daughter is coming in tomorrow night, and she wants to go see some family we have, not so near by. So I had asked Debbie if Neelee's attendance could tolerate her missing school Tuesday, so she could go along. Debbie was trying to get on the schools website to see her attendance, and Neelee was talking to her about it in such a disrespectful tone. I couldn't even believe it.

They went to take her friend home, so hopefully when they get back, I will have cooled down.

My daughter was never disrespectful. Not like that. Neelee's got attitude, and good for her, but it doesn't need to be misdirected like that.

Rick, if you said you were going to take away her cell phone you should follow thru otherwise you establish that you will not have a consequence for her negative behavior and it can bite you in the ass later on down the road . Talk to her again when you are calmer , explain to her that you love her but not the "behavior" and that she needs to learn there are consequences for that type of behavior. (the worst thing you can do to a child is be inconsistent) Telling them you are going to do something and then not following thru can really cause problems with the relationship between you and your child/teenager.