JasonD wrote:When I love someone I throw every ounce of myself into the relationship. But don’t get me wrong--I don’t smother the person. It’s just that I make them my first priority & I’m respectful & loving & I try to be thoughtful when it comes to buying them gifts & whatnot. I never just say, “Here’s a pack of tube socks.” Plus, I take care of myself for the person I’m involved with..... ya know..... shower, deodorant, mouthwash & so forth. I don’t know about women but when some guys get into relationships they turn into slobs... forgetting to bathe, shave, cut their toenails, etc. Not me. I try to take care of myself for me as well as for who I’m seeing. And when it comes to bedroom situations, I strive to be generous there as well. I’m not one of those, “Here I am. Do me” kind of guys.
And so--- when a relationship I’m in falls apart I take it very personally b/c I genuinely don’t see a lot of area for improvement. In other words, I’m not left with a bunch of “I could have done ‘this’ differently or I could have done ‘that,’ perhaps.” I fall into a deep depression trying to figure out what is wrong with me & why I'm so unlovable.
You are my gay soulmate. I'm convinced.
I'm the same way. Every ounce goes in.
And I have spent a lot of time doing the "what's wrong with me thing" too, because honestly, I already
know what is "wrong" with me, and none of it, I feel, is so terribly bad that it should make someone not want to be with me. NO ONE is perfect, ok, and I know where my faults are. Unless there is lying, cheating, or blatant major disrespect, drugs/alcohol, or emotional/physical abuse - then I'm good - everything else is small potatoes and CAN be worked through.
I try not to supress problems - if there's something I have a problem about, I bring it up in a "this is how it makes me feel when you do this or when that happens..." kind of way, not in an agressive, blame-placing kind of way. And what ALWAYS happens, is that it gets turned around on me and I get blamed for whatever way the other person is acting... ("Well I wouldn't be like this or do that if YOU weren't doing this...."). I mean, I don't know how much more fair I can be with people without just giving up. I'm quiet and passive and I don't like to make waves, but there comes a point where I'm not even getting walked over anymore, I'm literally getting bulldozed into putting up with bullshit that I shouldn't have to. And at that point, I get pissed and I get vocal and then the perception becomes that *I* am nuts, and pushy and needy and that's not at ALL true. So what's wrong with me? Am I too pushy, or do I LET myself get pushed to the point where I can't take the other person's shenannigans anymore and I BECOME pushy... it's a catch 22. Either way, I seem to lose.
Here's a good example... this was with someone who used to be a close friend, so it's not a relationship thing but it still applies. The girl had issues, and she would do this thing where she would feel she was being ignored if you didn't answer her calls or whatever. She kept calling over and over tot he point where I didn't WANT to pick up. I let it go on a long time and it finally boiled over one day when she was tearing me down about it. I said "Look, calling 10 times in a row (that's no exaggeration) is just unreasonable. You need to assume if I don't pick it up, there's a reason. Call once, I will see a missed call, and I will return it when and if I can." I also told her "I'll be honest, when you do that, calling over and over, it really makes me not want to pick it up because it's just an unnecessary thing to do."
Guess what she said? "Well if you would answer the phone the first time I wouldn't HAVE to call you a million times."
Me: "You don't HAVE to. One time is enough. I can read. I know your number. I see the missed call."
So who is the one with the problem here? Me, because I was in the shower or forgot my phone in the car and was not available to her when she called? Or her for going insane because I was not available to her when she called?
Now, if it's someone who sees you call (ONCE!) and ignores you for days - then yeah that's rude as hell. But that is not what this was with her.
And it was the same with my ex, it was always my fault no matter what, plus the disrespect and emotional abuse. And I'm stuck thinking "good god, this is the person who is supposed to love me, and he can't even show me respect? Why do I deserve that, because I KNOW I have earned it ten-fucking-fold!"
Where is all this rambling leading? LOL.... the point is, no one is perfect, but I KNOW that I've never done anything so bad to anyone that was so unforgivable as to warrant anyone walking off. So I don't understand it, and it becomes "why?" - then the whole grief process.
, getting new bedroom furniture and possibly a bigger house later this year. I've had my share of bad times with relationships so I know what most of you are talking about. I've just never been one to dwell on it too long.
