Cam Newton Revealed to be Satan?

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NEWTON RESPONSIBLE FOR DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION (According to anonymous sources)

By Unidentified and Anonymous

It is being reported by an unnamed news source, from an unknown location that several different anonymous and unnamed sources have now anonymously not went on record to report that Auburn quarterback Cam Newton may have indeed wet his pants in the first grade.

According to several unnamed sources, Newton (then six years old) bent over slightly, raised his hand slightly and asked the unidentified classroom instructor if he could visit the restroom. One source reported seeing what may have looked like a wet spot on Newton’s Osh B Gosh trousers. That source could not be reached for comment.

However another unnamed source, who chose to speak only under the condition that their identities remain anonymous said that this is just one of a series of pattern that shows Newton’s aberration of society.

According to another source, Newton is responsible for the addition of Scrappy Doo to the popular children’s cartoon Scooby Doo in the late 1970’s. He is also have been reported to have been solely responsible for formulating the New Coke formula 1985, and reports are now surfacing that he may have invented both the ‘chain’ letter and spam mail.



Another unnamed anonymous source has placed Newton on a Dallas rooftop on the morning of Nov. 22, 1963. The unidentified source reported that Newton was armed with only his trademark ‘flashy’ smile, a package of beef jerky and a high-powered sniper rifle.



However the incriminating facts do not stop there. Evidentially according to two more unnamed, unidentified and completely anonymous sources, Newton was spotted playing with matches in a Chicago side street on the morning of Oct. 8, 1871 and he is reported to have fallen asleep atop a lookout perch during an ‘ice berg’ watch shift on an unidentified cruse line vessel headed for New York on April 14, 1912.



Reports to look into the matter turned up three more anonymous sources that did not go on record to say that it was in fact Newton, and not Judas Iscariot, who betrayed Jesus Christ with a kiss, turning him over to the roman soldiers and at least one more sources placed Newton in the Garden of Eden reportedly handing over a piece of fruit to an unidentified unclothed female, as a severely startled snake looked on.



None of this is expected to influence Newton’s eligibility in this weekend’s game against Georgia.