Just found this one and I almost spit my beer all over the keyboard.
I told my wife that I was going to give the old jackhammer a bit of a polish and she was somewhat suspect about this.
Some deforestation if you like which needs to occur every few months.
Reduce the buffer on the muffer.
I told her I had it all in hand (This would prove to be a prophetic statement!) as I had bought some new "Stuff" that promised to let the lady see the monkey.
I decided that I would read the instructions after application as I would be waiting around for a while anyway, while it did what I now know is Satan's work.
It came with an applicator but I decided I would smear it on using my hands as I could ensure that all the nooks and crannys would be properly reached and anyways I know how the two bugs in the rug like it.
While the juice was smoothing my moose, I sat on the toilet bowl and proceeded to read down through the instructions.
The following is really a blow by blow account of the next 10 mins.
Ohhhhhhhh that's a getting a bit warm, that must be normal I assumed.
Started to feel a bit of a tingle in the Jingle, must be working now.
It's getting warmer, what the..........Creikey what's that smell?
I looked down and I started to panic, putrid smoke was rising from my nether regions.
God have mercy, I called for my wife who was ensconced downstairs to come up quickly, as I always call for her when one of my bright ideas has failed to execute.
I shouted to her to come upstairs, as my eyes were burning at this stage, I am after really doing some damage this time.
I jumped off the toilet bowl nearly taking the melted toilet seat with me and ran to the shower, I was in such a panic I taught the shower door opened out, as opposed to sliding.
I ripped the door off the hinges, all the while muttering God Oh God.......
My wife had arrived at this stage and felt it was a suitable time to ask me, what the hell happened the shower door, and all she was greeted with, was the sight of me on my knees with my rear in the air as I was frantically wiping the stuff off my frankfurter and road to nowhere with the only thing I had available at the time, which was the how to use leaflet.
The stench of melted plastic, hair, skin and linoleum was overwhelming to say the least.
With my free hand I was reaching for the shower head but alas I had not turned on the power by way of pulling a string from the ceiling which was across the room!
I'm ruined I screamed, Oh God help us, I really did it this time, it's the cream, the bloody cream it must have been faulty, a bad batch maybe!
Pull the string! The string!, what string she asks, the string on the bloody ceiling quick! Oh God.........
My hands were burning at this stage also, as I had smeared the stuff on all over using them as spatulas, and I was now frantically trying to get the stuff off by any means possible which in turn meant I was inadvertently transferring stuff to other areas of my body.
She eventually pulled the string and the shower came on as I sat in the corner of the shower whimpering like a whipped dog muttering and holding the shower head over me.
I had a head on me like a melted wellington that had been dipped in vaseline and rolled in pubic hair.
The entire area is akin to Chernobyl in that it has restricted access and the damage within the region will take a long time before natural growth will occur.
I have large areas around my body with no hair such was the flailing of hands that occurred when the burn set in, and my hands are now a mixture of red, pink and some odd white colour where I believe pigment used to be?
I would recommend you use beef flavoured paste, and a pack of rabid Dogs before you try this stuff but it really does work.
It has been a week since the episode, and to say I have flashbacks is a understatement, as I regularly wake up in a panic at night clutching at the general area.
My Toad in the hole if you will has become very nervous and is prone to withdrawing at any sudden noises such as me unzipping my trousers.
As you can imagine this has been very traumatic for me in that the very sight of mayonnaise or any cream like substance makes me retch uncontrollably.
Regarding overall cost, you may need to include the cost of replacing the damage to surrounding furniture after application.
Try it at your peril but it does work and you will feel like a new man!
5 stars and I would give it six, but that one is currently undergoing a skin graft.
Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 9:11 am
Thanks for making my morning!
