The Online Dating Game

[scarygirl]

So I joined one of those online dating websites, Plenty of Jerks and Perverts

So far this week, Bachelor #1

Was invited out for drinks this past Sunday. Our initial online exchanges were A'O'kay. He was cute, had a great a head of hair with a sense of humor to boot.

1st date highlights:

The waitress brings us our menus, before I could even blink he asked if I had eaten at home. I lie and say yes.. He then explains that he stopped buying first dates dinner years ago, after he figured out home much money he was saving, and why buy dinner when there may not even be a second date.

Talk then leads to our occupations. He is employed, I am currently not, but working on it. With that he launches into mock interview mode. Later, he asks he something to the effect if I am behind on my bills.

(Which probably leads you into why I am even on such a site. Not spending any needed funds, the site is free. I have met jerks on both paid and unpaid, so why pay good money monthly to meet more jerks. I am not going to be unemployed forever. Though right now it kind of seems that way,)

Further talks lead to our pets. He is a cat lover, on the surface. He had two cats at one point, I have three. Upon such disclosure comes the proverbial, you must be a cat lady. And oh, by the way, he had one of his cats put down for BEHAVIORAL issues.

Through the rest of the date, the only thing I think is please don't say anything obtuse to him because my cats could be next!!!!

The check arrives, I had one glass of wine, and at this point am starving. As he is signing the check, he points out how I got a FREE GLASS OF WINE....

The next day he messages me to say we are not a good match,

Bachelor #2

Is a tall, dark, handsome man quite LITERALLY! He is Irish/Hungarian. Goes to church. We exchange emails, which leads to texts, which leads to silence as of yesterday. I disclosed, too early maybe that I am unemployed. I am not proud of it. It is what it is. I try to be honest with people. So, though he said it didn't bother him, I am pretty sure it did as the conversation cooled as of Wednesday followed by a cursory answer to a text from the day before on Thursday to dead silence on Friday. We're from different social strata's so I don't blame him for being put off my current employment status. It is what it is.

Bachelor #3

Is a little older than me by 4 years. He is a musician, composes music for film and television. Have a lot in common outside of religion. He believes in God, but is not a regular church goer. He loves animals, Has had several cats in his lifetime, not one VOLUNTARILY put down. We met for the first time yesterday, but his attraction for me seems to be a LITTLE much. He was a perfect gentleman, but some of his texts after.

Okay, I was going to describe some of the texts, but I don't need to, this guy is an obsessive PERVERT.... The least one that I am not completely too horrified to share was last night, he knows I like classic movies. Mildred Pierce just happened to be on. He texted me saying the movie would be so much better if we were together so we could cuddle and spoon on the couch. Oh and the talk about we should get together and make out like teenagers in the afternoon. Is it just me or that just a LITTLE sketchy talk to someone you just met?

[verslibre]

Where are you meeting these dudes, on POF?

B1 sounds like a total douchebag. (Btw, he obviously listens to Tom Leykis...LMAO!)

B3 may be a horndog, but come on, girl, do you want to be with a horndog or a dude who'd rather jack off his remote control every night? You gotta give it up sometime, right?

[ebake02]

Bachelor #1 and Bachelor #2 are arrogant bastards with a chip on their shoulder and Bachelor #3 is probably a virgin who watches too much porn and is way too obsessed with getting that first piece.

[scarygirl]

[quote="verslibre"]Where are you meeting these dudes, on POF?

POF, E-Harmony, it is all the same group of crazies. I haven't tried Christian Mingle, but from what I hear it is more of the same.

[verslibre]

EHarmony isn't free, IIRC. Which bachelor did they connect you via "39 proven dimensions of compatibility"?

[scarygirl]

EHarmony isn't free, IIRC. Which bachelor did they connect you via "39 proven dimensions of compatibility"?

They connected me with bonus dimenstions # 40, #41, and #42, Road Kill,Cheap Ass, and Cat Killer.

Here is an example of your typical Eharmony date.
[url]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHOg46p-iAE[/url]

[ebake02]

There is always Adult Friend Finder.

[scarygirl]

There is always Adult Friend Finder.

I think I will pass the potatoes, okay?

[DavidWT]

He then explains that he stopped buying first dates dinner years ago, after he figured out home much money he was saving, and why buy dinner when there may not even be a second date.

I actually kind of agree with him on this. With an online date, I consider the first date to not even really be a "date," per se, but rather just a chance to see if there's enough connection to WANT to go on a proper date in the future. Most of my female friends agree with that, and say that they would actually feel uncomfortable if a guy they met online paid for the first meal. I actually don't mind paying, but I do think the woman should at least offer, and the first "date" shouldn't be somewhere particularly expensive (again, we don't even know if we like each other at this point, so why should I be shelling out fifty bucks for her meal?) It's best to just go for coffee or a walk through the park or something.
With regular dating (not online dating) it's different, because we most likely have had some sort of real-world interaction beforehand, so then I know I like the person enough to want to go out with them, and I don't mind paying.

[The Sushi Hunter]

B1 sounds like what a laywer would be like. Only guy who would act like that and talk about the things the way he did, sounds like he's looking for someone desperate who is willing to do anything for him, or maybe he's used to picking up on desparate women. Either way... scumbag.

In regards to B2, just because someone is unemployed wouldn't stop someone from being interested in them. Maybe too soon to make any conclusions as to why you've not heard from him in a day. But like you said, right after he found out your unemployed, things cooled way down. You really don't know about him, he may have an agenda which goes something like "hook up with a chick who will buy me everything and who I can get free money from". There are plenty of guys like that who are out there, just watch a few episodes of Judge Judy.

In regards to B3, older by four years, that is really not that big a deal. I understand your concern about the sexting if that is what it is. And your right, that's wierd.

Got to sit back and wonder, how did people meet up before there was an internet? With the internet, people commit to a "date" before even seeing how the other person acts and who they are about to meet up with. Could be interesting doing it this way but I'm sure there are many people who "we" would not want to hook up on a first date with had we first met them from across the room and got to sort of get an idea or "feel" for what they are like.

Doing this type of thing on line, you really cover a lot of ground in a relativily short period of time. Hooking up with and arranging multiiple dates once took weeks or even months. But now with the internet, it can be done in just a day or so. Because of this, on-line dating will allow the meeting and hooking up with tons of guys in a very little amount of time, many with real issues.

[DavidWT]

With the internet, people commit to a "date" before even seeing how the other person acts and who they are about to meet up with. Could be interesting doing it this way but I'm sure there are many people who "we" would not want to hook up on a first date with had we first met them from across the room and got to sort of get an idea or "feel" for what they are like.

And that's exactly why I don't think a first online date should even be thought of as a real "date", and why I don't think the guy should be obligated (or expected) to pay for it. I've met up with several women from online dating sites, and on more than one occasion, there's been that awkward moment when the person arrives and you think, "Oh, jeez, this isn't quite what I was expecting...." (and NOT in a good way.) And yet, if I'm meeting that person at a restuarant, I'm often expected to pay for her meal simply because I'm the guy and we're "on a date", nevermind the fact that this isn't someone I would have chosen to go out with if I had seen her in person ahead of time. So it simply makes sense to keep it simple and cheap when first meeting someone, and find out if there's a connection before committing to an actual date. I think it's less awkward for both people that way.
(and I don't mean to sound all bitter about this-- I've definitely had some good experiences with online dating, and in one case, actually met someone who became my girlfriend for the next five years, and remains a good friend now.)

[scarygirl]

I don't expect a ten course meal, an shared appetizer would be nice.

I see your point about meeting so many people so quickly, and it getting expensive, but girls spend money getting ready for these dates to you know. Pedicures, and what not.

With the internet, people commit to a "date" before even seeing how the other person acts and who they are about to meet up with. Could be interesting doing it this way but I'm sure there are many people who "we" would not want to hook up on a first date with had we first met them from across the room and got to sort of get an idea or "feel" for what they are like.

And that's exactly why I don't think a first online date should even be thought of as a real "date", and why I don't think the guy should be obligated (or expected) to pay for it. I've met up with several women from online dating sites, and on more than one occasion, there's been that awkward moment when the person arrives and you think, "Oh, jeez, this isn't quite what I was expecting...." (and NOT in a good way.) And yet, if I'm meeting that person at a restuarant, I'm often expected to pay for her meal simply because I'm the guy and we're "on a date", nevermind the fact that this isn't someone I would have chosen to go out with if I had seen her in person ahead of time. So it simply makes sense to keep it simple and cheap when first meeting someone, and find out if there's a connection before committing to an actual date. I think it's less awkward for both people that way.
(and I don't mean to sound all bitter about this-- I've definitely had some good experiences with online dating, and in one case, actually met someone who became my girlfriend for the next five years, and remains a good friend now.)

[The Sushi Hunter]

And that's exactly why I don't think a first online date should even be thought of as a real "date", and why I don't think the guy should be obligated (or expected) to pay for it. I've met up with several women from online dating sites, and on more than one occasion, there's been that awkward moment when the person arrives and you think, "Oh, jeez, this isn't quite what I was expecting...." (and NOT in a good way.)

You're absolutely correct on that and not alone. In '06, I struck up a conversation with a guy I knew through where I was employed. He said the exact same thing about it. He asked me if I ever had did on-line dating before. I told him that I never did but I wouldn't because I get the feeling there would be issues like what you mentioned. He said "exactly". He then went on to explain to me that he's been doing on-line dating for literally years now and he said when he meets the chick in person for the first time, he's like "what the fu.....cause the pix that she's sent him was like it was taken 15/20 years earlier, which he says they all looked like around his age in the pix but meeting them, they look as old as his mother. LOL!!!

I met my wife through a friend of mine. His wife was Japanese and I asked him if his wife had any friends who wanted to meet an America guy. So he asked her and she hooked me up with one of her best friends. That's the way "we" used to do it before the internet.

[The Sushi Hunter]

I don't expect a ten course meal, an shared appetizer would be nice.

I see your point about meeting so many people so quickly, and it getting expensive, but girls spend money getting ready for these dates to you know. Pedicures, and what not.

I agree with you there. When I was into the "dating" scene, I was always treating, not just for dinner, but followed by some type of entertainment such as dancing, movie, sight seeing and then a snack such as a coffee shop or such for dessert of some type. Even if I could tell the chick wasn't interested in me or if I wasn't interested in her for whatever reason, I would still follow through and make a good time of it by taking the bill, could still gain a friend out of it instead of a long term romance/relationship/commitment.

In regards to internet dating, I wasn't at all refering the amount paid by dating lots of chicks in a relatively short period of time. I was more less pointing out that you will run across so many people in such a relatively short period of time, you'll run across lots of nutty, wierd, disturbing, jerky, etc. type of guys in a very small amount of time. I'm sure the good ones are far and few in between. So since your doing the on-line thing, a lot of bad dates will be par for the course.

[DavidWT]

You're absolutely correct on that and not alone. In '06, I struck up a conversation with a guy I knew through where I was employed. He said the exact same thing about it. He asked me if I ever had did on-line dating before. I told him that I never did but I wouldn't because I get the feeling there would be issues like what you mentioned. He said "exactly". He then went on to explain to me that he's been doing on-line dating for literally years now and he said when he meets the chick in person for the first time, he's like "what the fu.....cause the pix that she's sent him was like it was taken 15/20 years earlier, which he says they all looked like around his age in the pix but meeting them, they look as old as his mother. LOL!!!

Yep. Been there!
I've been a victim of the "old photo" trick, as well as the "professional headshot photo" trick (avoid anyone who posts a professional headshot! They're clearly afraid to show what they actually look like.)
But to avoid sounding totally shallow, it's not even really all about the looks. Sometimes you meet someone, and she looks the way you expected, but she has some really annoying quirk or habit, or she just seems mentally off-balance. Or you simply have no spark together for some reason that you can't even put your finger on. There's just so much that you can't tell about a person based on a few email exchanges, which again, is why that first "date" should not be a date at all. It should just be a chance to hang out and see what the person is really like. IF all goes well, then it can evolve into a date.

[The Sushi Hunter]

Half of what made the guy's story at work so funny is the guy is a total fitness guru, totally buffed, head shaved, only dates white chicks and a good long screwing is in his immediate forecast. I could picture him bench pressing iron a few hours before the date, anticipating the "weather" forecast that evening. Becoming instantly deflated upon meeting up with some hot chick's mom who is 15 to 20 years older than he is.

In regards to dinners on "first" on-line dates, well, I think there is a communication issue with that. If you are setting up a first date on-line, the plans/expectations of what is happening that night should be discussed to some degree. Clarify if it's dinner or maybe a talk at a coffee shop, movie, dancing, etc. Once the plans/expectations are set, commit to it regardless, until last resort if the person is a total wack job.

[BigOkieChris]

Where are you meeting these dudes, on POF?

POF, E-Harmony, it is all the same group of crazies. I haven't tried Christian Mingle, but from what I hear it is more of the same.

You might meet some Stryper fans!

[Gin and Tonic Sky]

You know perhaps there is a room for another online dating provider. Wombat's always looking for sources of money?


Melodic Rock Dating - We come to you with Open Arms! You wont be saying Here I Go Again because our clients aren't As Cold as Ice. We Faithfully promise that you wont be left Holding the Edge of the Blade.

[The Sushi Hunter]

EHarmony isn't free, IIRC. Which bachelor did they connect you via "39 proven dimensions of compatibility"?

They connected me with bonus dimenstions # 40, #41, and #42, Road Kill,Cheap Ass, and Cat Killer.

Here is an example of your typical Eharmony date.
[url]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHOg46p-iAE[/url]

Yikes!

[scarygirl]

You know perhaps there is a room for another online dating provider. Wombat's always looking for sources of money?


Melodic Rock Dating - We come to you with Open Arms! You wont be saying Here I Go Again because our clients aren't As Cold as Ice. We Faithfully promise that you wont be left Holding the Edge of the Blade.

[verslibre]

[DavidWT]

In regards to dinners on "first" on-line dates, well, I think there is a communication issue with that. If you are setting up a first date on-line, the plans/expectations of what is happening that night should be discussed to some degree. Clarify if it's dinner or maybe a talk at a coffee shop, movie, dancing, etc. Once the plans/expectations are set, commit to it regardless, until last resort if the person is a total wack job.

Agreed. But it's tricky to get into the topic of who's expected to pay for it.
In one case, for example, a woman contacted me and asked me out. As we were trying to decide where to go, I suggested a coffee shop or a diner. She replied, "That's not romantic!" (and I thought, "I don't even know you... why would I be romantic?") She then suggested an Italian restaurant that she knew of. So we met there, and her meal came to about $30. When the waiter brough the check, she excused herself to go to the restoom, and stayed there for about fifteen minutes. When she returned, she said to me, "You took care of the check?'" I told her I did, and she said, "OK, cool. Let's go." (um, you're welcome?) And that was the end of the date. When I got home, I found an email from her saying, "I was good to meet you, and you're a great guy, but I don't think we're a good match. Good luck! " Gee, thanks.

As for ScaryGirl's previous comment about women spending money to look good for these dates, I honestly have not noticed that. The women I tend to meet up with have all been very low maintenance (no make-up, no fancy clothes, no special effort on the hair.) Some of them have actually gone out of their way to comment on how they're so sick of the way society expects women to dress up nicely for men, and how they refuse to do it. Okay, fair enough, equality... I can understand that. But then why stick to the old "let the guy pay" thing? It made sense years ago when men were the breadwinners and women weren't prominent in the workplace. But these days, plenty of women have great jobs, and some of these women earned quite a bit more than I do.

Ah, well. I'm taking a break from it all now, anyway.

[The Sushi Hunter]

During the years I was dating, I never once had a chick ask me out on a date. So basically I was always paying the date bills, no problem though as I always preferred paying anyways since I'm enjoying myself. In regards to dinner, every first date I've ever been on has always been over dinner. I guess I felt dinner was a comfortable setting to talk and get to know and understand one another. That was like in the 80's though so perhaps stuff has changed to where that is considered "old fashioned". I guess if I was still out dating, meeting up at a coffee shop would be cool. I remember back in the 80's in America, you'd never go on a "first" date to a coffee shop. Those were mostly donut shops back then that had coffee. SBux and the like wasn't the trend yet like it is now. Though the place I found to meet up with chicks in Japan back in the 80's was Dunkin Donuts. If you were an American guy in Japan, you would go there and meet Japanese chicks by asking them to help teach you Japanese. Mind you, there was no such thing as the internet back then and the primary home computer was an Apple 2c and 2e, 5 and half inch floppys. I actually met up with Japanese chicks a few times back during the first few months after arriving to Japan in '86. Dunkin Donuts was the "happening" spot for a little bit back then. Any given night of the week, the place would be wall to wall with American guys and Japanese woman sitting at tables with books and notepads communicating to each other most the times in just writing. It's not like that anymore in Japan with Dunkin Donuts and meeting Japanese chicks though.

[verslibre]

In one case, for example, a woman contacted me and asked me out. As we were trying to decide where to go, I suggested a coffee shop or a diner. She replied, "That's not romantic!" (and I thought, "I don't even know you... why would I be romantic?") She then suggested an Italian restaurant that she knew of.

Right then and there is when I would've gone "Great, Italian sounds good — we can go Dutch?" Do that before she gets another word in.

Fifteen minutes in the ladies' room? Betcha she was on the phone or texting her friend. "This guy and me are soooo not compatible." (Etc.)

[The Sushi Hunter]

In one case, for example, a woman contacted me and asked me out. As we were trying to decide where to go, I suggested a coffee shop or a diner. She replied, "That's not romantic!" (and I thought, "I don't even know you... why would I be romantic?") She then suggested an Italian restaurant that she knew of.

Right then and there is when I would've gone "Great, Italian sounds good — we can go Dutch?" Do that before she gets another word in.

Fifteen minutes in the ladies' room? Betcha she was on the phone or texting her friend. "This guy and me are soooo not compatible." (Etc.)

Actually the very first time I heard the term "dutch" was while I was hanging out with this Japanese chick in San Francisco back in '92, same Japanese chick who was with me when we were watching those MTV awards where Nirvana did that crazy shit live. Anyways, she used that term "dutch" when we were out on the first date. I didn't know what the hell she was talking about so I asked her and she explained it to me. I told her I had the bill no worries so she was cool with that and let me pay for it. Funny cause she was thinking I was going to have her pay for the entire bill since she was the one who picked the place we were going to eat at.

[scarygirl]

In regards to dinners on "first" on-line dates, well, I think there is a communication issue with that. If you are setting up a first date on-line, the plans/expectations of what is happening that night should be discussed to some degree. Clarify if it's dinner or maybe a talk at a coffee shop, movie, dancing, etc. Once the plans/expectations are set, commit to it regardless, until last resort if the person is a total wack job.

Agreed. But it's tricky to get into the topic of who's expected to pay for it.
In one case, for example, a woman contacted me and asked me out. As we were trying to decide where to go, I suggested a coffee shop or a diner. She replied, "That's not romantic!" (and I thought, "I don't even know you... why would I be romantic?") She then suggested an Italian restaurant that she knew of. So we met there, and her meal came to about $30. When the waiter brough the check, she excused herself to go to the restoom, and stayed there for about fifteen minutes. When she returned, she said to me, "You took care of the check?'" I told her I did, and she said, "OK, cool. Let's go." (um, you're welcome?) And that was the end of the date. When I got home, I found an email from her saying, "I was good to meet you, and you're a great guy, but I don't think we're a good match. Good luck! " Gee, thanks.

As for ScaryGirl's previous comment about women spending money to look good for these dates, I honestly have not noticed that. The women I tend to meet up with have all been very low maintenance (no make-up, no fancy clothes, no special effort on the hair.) Some of them have actually gone out of their way to comment on how they're so sick of the way society expects women to dress up nicely for men, and how they refuse to do it. Okay, fair enough, equality... I can understand that. But then why stick to the old "let the guy pay" thing? It made sense years ago when men were the breadwinners and women weren't prominent in the workplace. But these days, plenty of women have great jobs, and some of these women earned quite a bit more than I do.

Ah, well. I'm taking a break from it all now, anyway.

With the Jerk date,I actually went out and bought a cute sundress. Sure, it was from Walmart, but it was still nice. Fixed my hair, did my make-up. I deserved an appetizer, dammit!

[The Sushi Hunter]

With the Jerk date,I actually went out and bought a cute sundress. Sure, it was from Walmart, but it was still nice. Fixed my hair, did my make-up. I deserved an appetizer, dammit!

Sounds good, sorry to hear you hooked up on a first date with a guy who turned out to be a jerkoff.

[koberry]

I've had (mostly) great luck with online dating, finding some LTRs and making some friends. I've done Match (pretty good), OKCupid (okay) and POF (utter shite). Lots of people play the numbers game, going out with anyone. I won't meet someone unless they seem like someone with whom I could have things in common that could be the basis for an LTR. But it's hard to tell. There are a lot of nutjobs out there, that I have mostly avoided, with a couple of notable exceptions.

A few random comments/stories:

I have found that women in sales careers are hugely aggressive, usually asking me out first.
There appear to be not a lot of 'good' guys out there, according to friends that are women
One woman showed me pics of her breasts on her phone within 15 minutes of our meeting
Another told me after just a few minutes how she walked in on her (now ex-) husband doing his secretary, who was a screamer
One woman friend told me about a guy she dated who, after having sex with her 5 times in one night, she found a couple hours later at his computer beating off to online porn wearing a surgical glove

I have usually planned something like a winetasting or grabbing a glass of wine at a bar for a first date. If we like each other, then we can move to appetizers/dinner. I've always paid.

I could see wedding bells in the future with my current girlfriend, who was also a Match.com date.

[scarygirl]

I've had (mostly) great luck with online dating, finding some LTRs and making some friends. I've done Match (pretty good), OKCupid (okay) and POF (utter shite). Lots of people play the numbers game, going out with anyone. I won't meet someone unless they seem like someone with whom I could have things in common that could be the basis for an LTR. But it's hard to tell. There are a lot of nutjobs out there, that I have mostly avoided, with a couple of notable exceptions.

A few random comments/stories:

I have found that women in sales careers are hugely aggressive, usually asking me out first.
There appear to be not a lot of 'good' guys out there, according to friends that are women
One woman showed me pics of her breasts on her phone within 15 minutes of our meeting
Another told me after just a few minutes how she walked in on her (now ex-) husband doing his secretary, who was a screamer
One woman friend told me about a guy she dated who, after having sex with her 5 times in one night, she found a couple hours later at his computer beating off to online porn wearing a surgical glove

I have usually planned something like a winetasting or grabbing a glass of wine at a bar for a first date. If we like each other, then we can move to appetizers/dinner. I've always paid.

I could see wedding bells in the future with my current girlfriend, who was also a Match.com date.

Update:

I have met someone potentially on Christian Mingle, so far all is well with him and his "non perverted" soul. Granted, I haven't met him IRL yet. But he knows that I am unemployed, and didn't blink an eye or judge me for it. Can't wait to meet him actually! We have so much in common I wonder if maybe we are related....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvsn-_wV1CQ

[collingwood]

It's never easy and you have to go through all the people that aren't for you, but eventually you should meet someone that you just know is right for you.

I've done the dinner dates and I must say I think it's better to meet for a drink. Something like a coffee at a nice central place to both people as a first meeting.

With relation to your employment status, I think it might matter to some more than others. In a perfect world we would all like great jobs and get paid lots of money and have free time to spare. The reality is a lot of people go from job to job and sometimes are unemployed. If your looking for a relationship, I think that comes before a persons employment status. I'd have no problem going out with a person who was unemployed. I think as the relationship built, then you might be thinking about living together or providing for one another...etc and working on how to do that.

I think a lot of mistakes people make is trying to find the perfect person or someone who is their ideal. I know I've wanted someone with this or that and then later when you meet someone you like, those things you wanted don't matter. You can still like or love a person with flaws. The main thing is finding someone on your page, that complements you and your relationship. You want someone who will give and take and be considerate to you and the relationship.

Good luck with finding someone