Chickenhawk - n. - A person enthusiastic about war, provided someone else fights it; particularly when that enthusiasm is undimmed by personal experience with war; most emphatically when that lack of experience came in spite of ample opportunity in that person’s youth.
Some individuals may qualify more for their political associations than for any demonstrated personal tendency towards bellicosity. Some women may be included for exceptional bellicosity.
Name: Rep. Dennis Hastert (R-IL)
Born: January 2, 1942
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: Dennis wasn't able to serve in the Army in Vietnam because his knees weren't up to it. He did OK as a wrestler in college, though.
Name: Sen. Judd Gregg (R-NH)
Born: February 14, 1947
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayeer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: Another member of New Hampshire’s hereditary political aristocracy (see also: Charlie Bass and John Sununu) Judd’s daddy was Governor of New Hampshire from 1953 to 1955. Young Judd graduated from Columbia in ‘69 and apparently went straight to BU Law until the coast was clear. For good measure, he got written up for bad knees. They weren’t so bad he couldn’t spend half his term as Governor on the ski slopes.
Name: Rep. Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (R-GA)
Born: June 17, 1943
Employer: Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: A virtuoso in the art of hypocrisy, the former Speaker of the House now claims the Vietnam War was a splendid idea, but at the time he opposed going himself. Newtie also speaks highly of morality, but as a serial adulterer he doesn’t want to get too close to it himself.
Name: Rep. Tom "The Exterminator" DeLay (R-TX)
Born: April 8, 1947
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: Mr. DeLay has said he wanted to serve in Vietnam, but was unable to since all the positions had been taken by blacks and Hispanics. We suspect there might be someone in Iraq today who would be willing to trade places with Mr. DeLay
Name: Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA)
Born: 1943
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: There are chickenhawks, and then there are chickenhawks. Saxby Chambliss is a chickenhawk supreme. He got himself elected to the Senate by casting aspersions on the patriotism of the incumbent, Democrat Max Cleland. Cleland lost three limbs serving his country in Vietnam. Saxby Chambliss was unable to serve because of his bad knees, but somehow is able to totter along as a recreational runner.
Name: Gary Bauer
Born: 1946
Employer: ouramericanvalues.org
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: A reliable cog in the Republican machine, a bureaucrat under Reagan, and later a preposterous candidate for president, Gary Bauer isn’t particularly combative - he’s no Ann Coulter. Diminutive and cherubic even in his fifties, he’s hardly the sort of recruit a drill sargeant would see as a potential soldier. Which is just as well, because when he otherwise would have qualified for the Vietnam draft, he had a “vague physical problem” that got him a 1-Y draft classification - “draft only if the Canadians are crossing the border shooting.”
Name: Rush Limbaugh
Born: 1951
Employer: Yack Radio
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: Where to begin ... a joke about the Hindenburg? No, let's go right to the reason he had to stay home from the war - the world's most famous anal cyst. He's denied it, but www.snopes.com, the Urban Legends Reference Pages, has got the goods on him.
Name: Dr. Marion "Pat" Robertson
Born: 1930
Employer: Christian Broadcasting Network
Conflict Avoided: Korea
Notes: Dr. Pat claimed in his biography to have "seen combat in Korea. He was in Korea in uniform briefly, but his daddy the Congressman got his reassigned to Japan. His picture belongs in the dictionary next to "pious fraud." Just recently declared that the State Department ought to get nuked, but has yet to be indicted for uttering a terrorist statement.
Name: John Ashcroft
Born: 1942
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: 4-F'd from 'Nam because of a "debilitating shoulder injury". As we will never tire of saying, this guy lost an election to a dead man. Where do you go from there? If a Bush is in office, you rise. Annointed himself with Crisco before being sworn in. Also afraid of calico cats. Famously said, "To those who scare peace-loving people with phantoms of lost liberty, my message is this: Your tactics only aid terrorists, for they erode our national unity and diminish our resolve. They give ammunition to America's enemies and pause to America's friends."