OT: Bored? Best of Craigslist!

[Rhiannon]

Some of these are downright AMAZING. And it's a slow day at work today... maybe it's a slow day for you too.
Here, read these and screw off for a few minutes.

To the Stupid Bitches at Wal-Mart that Assumed I Stole Their Phone.

Want Your Ex-Boyfriend Back? [Unfortunately] I can help.

To the Guy Doing My Wife

It's me! Every girl EVER.

Advice For Guys Who Insist on Posting Pictures of their Penis.

[epresley]

OH man, stupid filter at work won't let me look, but the headlines alone are hilarious!!!

[youkeepmewaiting]

Haha couple of goodies in there,

[StoneCold]

Some of these are downright AMAZING. And it's a slow day at work today... maybe it's a slow day for you too.
Here, read these and screw off for a few minutes.

It's me! Every girl EVER.
Penis.[/url]

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats?

So true.

[belar]

The first one is the best.

[Michigan Girl]

The first one is the best.

I agree!!! Some Funny stuff in all of them though!!!

[Rhiannon]

Some of the personals are even better... alas, actual work to be done now! Glad you guys enjoyed dicking around the interwebs with me.

[Barb]

Some of the personals are even better... alas, actual work to be done now! Glad you guys enjoyed dicking around the interwebs with me.

The personals are a trip! I can't believe people actually hook up like that. Pretty disgusting.

[Rhiannon]

The personals are a trip! I can't believe people actually hook up like that. Pretty disgusting.

...Found this one on there... I'm in tears!

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tul/556132323.html

(God, I should get back to work... this database won't design itself.)

[StoneCold]

The personals are a trip! I can't believe people actually hook up like that. Pretty disgusting.

...Found this one on there... I'm in tears!

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tul/556132323.html

Oh crap. Now I understand why you asked. You have NO IDEA what you are doing. You plunge in face first, like my special lady bits are a snorkling mask, and if you don't get as much of your face in there as possible you just might die of hypoxia

[DrFU]

The personals are a trip! I can't believe people actually hook up like that. Pretty disgusting.

...Found this one on there... I'm in tears!

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tul/556132323.html

Oh crap. Now I understand why you asked. You have NO IDEA what you are doing. You plunge in face first, like my special lady bits are a snorkling mask, and if you don't get as much of your face in there as possible you just might die of hypoxia

wait, I think I know that guy...

Thanks, Rhi, for this thread; saved me from an excruciatingly boring work afternoon

[Rhiannon]

Thanks, Rhi, for this thread; saved me from an excruciatingly boring work afternoon

Glad to help! This has officially been my productivity output for the day.

[youkeepmewaiting]

Some of the personals are even better... alas, actual work to be done now! Glad you guys enjoyed dicking around the interwebs with me.

The personals are a trip! I can't believe people actually hook up like that. Pretty disgusting.

Bit harsh really. I wouldnt say it was disgusting.

[Barb]

Some of the personals are even better... alas, actual work to be done now! Glad you guys enjoyed dicking around the interwebs with me.

The personals are a trip! I can't believe people actually hook up like that. Pretty disgusting.

Bit harsh really. I wouldnt say it was disgusting.

Have you read some of the postings there? They are disgusting. Guys posting pictures of their dicks talking about how they want to be f'd by other guys at lunch time or blowjobs in the car.

[youkeepmewaiting]

Some of the personals are even better... alas, actual work to be done now! Glad you guys enjoyed dicking around the interwebs with me.

The personals are a trip! I can't believe people actually hook up like that. Pretty disgusting.

Bit harsh really. I wouldnt say it was disgusting.

Have you read some of the postings there? They are disgusting. Guys posting pictures of their dicks talking about how they want to be f'd by other guys at lunch time or blowjobs in the car.

Hey whatever you do in your own time Barb is fine by me

[bluejeangirl76]

OH man, stupid filter at work won't let me look, but the headlines alone are hilarious!!!

Ugh. Same here.

By the time I'm home and actually remember to look, the topic will be either too old or hijacked. LOL!

(not that I'm adverse to re-hijacking of course... thread ninjas are afoot!)

[Rhiannon]

(not that I'm adverse to re-hijacking of course... thread ninjas are afoot!)

Okay, I do this for you... you need a laugh. I'll do the others if you'd like too.

Do not make me feel like this again. - w4m

OMG, I can't believe I'm posting in CE. I need to feel a man's body against mine. I'm feeling adventurous. I can sit in the comfort of my own apartment, in my decidedly not sexy saggy-ass pajamas, and pick a hot young stud to come over and sex me up. Hooray for the internet, thank you Craig, let's get it on.

268 emails in the course of 24 hours. WHOA. There's the guy who asked if I can wear rainboots while we get it on (???), the guy who is old enough to be my dad and sent me a picture of himself in leather assless chaps (I double-checked to make sure I didn't post in M4M by accident after that), and the desperate 19 year-old who is a virgin but thinks I'd be "perfect" for his first time. I am re-thinking my decision not to go to the bars this weekend. No no, I must be strong, keep the faith. I feel that dick is not far away, I must persist.

I pick you. You look relatively normal. Your email was funny, not too long, not generic. I toss my fate into the wind and see where it will take me.

We exchange pictures. I wonder if that picture of your dick was taken at that angle to make it look bigger? Hmm. Yeah, that picture of me? Well, I sifted through the 200 most recent photos of me and picked the most flattering one. Heh.

We meet up. You look about 5 years older than you do in your picture. That's okay, because I weigh about 10 pounds more now than I did in that picture I sent. But hey, guess what? I'm wearing sexy lingerie. And you're a man, with a penis, I've already screened you, spent two days trading witty emails back and forth with you, and goddammit, I'm gonna fuck you. That's just how it is. I'm too horny to go back now.

After a couple of drinks, it's clear that it's time to do something next. Because it's not polite to tell someone you want their dick inside of you as soon as possible, when you suggest we head to dinner, I agree.

This feels like a date. I didn't want a date. I want sex.

Okay, pseudo-date continues. Fine. I still want your dick in me, as soon as possible.

We head back to my place. FINALLY. We make out for a little bit. Did you forget to shave this morning? That "soul patch" you have? First of all, it's really circa 1992. Secondly, it's giving me stubble-burn. I'm going to have a stupid-ass looking soul patch stubble burn mark tomorrow. Fuck. I keep kissing you because like I said, I want your dick inside of me as soon as possible.

Ha ha, you're wearing "Vote for Pedro" boxers. I forgive you for the soul patch. Actually, I think "Pedro" might be voting for me right now

Okay, this isn't going so bad. You ask if I want some oral.

UH, HELLO? WTF are you asking that for? Did I or did I not post in casual encounters? No actually, I don't like orgasms. Tongues should only be used for useful things, like ice cream and tying knots in cherry stems.

Oh crap. Now I understand why you asked. You have NO IDEA what you are doing. You plunge in face first, like my special lady bits are a snorkling mask, and if you don't get as much of your face in there as possible you just might die of hypoxia. Now, while I appreciate your enthusiasm, I will need my vagina back in good working order later. Thank you. That's enough.

You slip on a condom, and start the old "hump and grunt." You hump. You grunt. I'm not sure, but my bed might have just become a time machine, and I think we're back in 1998, because this is how boys fucked in high school. How old are you again?

I start thinking about going to the store tomorrow. I think I'm out of cereal. Should I get some more of those pasta things? Maybe I'll try the pesto kind this time.

The hump and grunt continues.

What? You're about to cum? That's nice. Thanks for letting me know. Go right ahead. I'm glad at least you had fun.

You pass out afterwards, and start to snore. I lie there, thinking. I'm totaling up my investment on this little CE situation we have going here:

box of condoms, the good kind: $13
sexy new sweater that I wore: $39
cost of the load of laundry that I will do tomorrow, after your hairy ass gets out of my bed: $3.50
... and, the non-monetary yet incredibly important contribution of my time, which could have been better spent, oh, I don't know, washing my hair or prepping my tax return: roughly 7 hours (three hours of email + four hours of pseudo date + bad sex)

.....Learning why I should stop browsing casual encounters and just use my vibrator instead: PRICELESS.

[bluejeangirl76]

Okay, this isn't going so bad. You ask if I want some oral.

UH, HELLO? WTF are you asking that for? Did I or did I not post in casual encounters? No actually, I don't like orgasms. Tongues should only be used for useful things, like ice cream and tying knots in cherry stems.

Oh crap. Now I understand why you asked. You have NO IDEA what you are doing. You plunge in face first, like my special lady bits are a snorkling mask, and if you don't get as much of your face in there as possible you just might die of hypoxia. Now, while I appreciate your enthusiasm, I will need my vagina back in good working order later. Thank you. That's enough.

Date should have ended right there.

[Rhiannon]

Date should have ended right there.

Actually, the moment the "Vote for Pedro" boxers were visible would have been the endgame for me. ...Actually, take that back, I'd never go out to dinner with a man who sports a "soul patch" or a "flavor saver". Ick. Sleazy...

[conversationpc]

From "To the guy doing my wife"...

5.After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, Irun out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty(thanks).

[Rhiannon]

From "To the guy doing my wife"...

Posted in it's entirety for those w/ webfilters... this one was one of my faves.

to the guy doing my wife

To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry, I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.

1.Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.

2.You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit(god knows
I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.

3.If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up.

4.Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son belives if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recomend a better spot?

5.After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, Irun out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty(thanks).

6.Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not
mentaly challenged.

7.Please stop turning the heat up, You pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts.

8.When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.

9.Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.

10.Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too)has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.

Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only orded one meal.I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become ackward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed.

P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Great Wolf Lodge on the 3rd of April for four days, I have abottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.

Thanks This was not writen by anyone named Jack S.

[bluejeangirl76]

From "To the guy doing my wife"...

Posted in it's entirety for those w/ webfilters... this one was one of my faves.

to the guy doing my wife...

Omg, *dies* that's priceless.

Maybe webfilters are a good thing...
I'd never get work done and they'd want to know why I keep spitting tea all over desk.