Have You Ever Tried To Change Someone?

[Blueskies]

If you marry young, sometimes things need to be changed in who you are as you grow with a mate if it's detrimental to the relationship. What you can't change is someone who talks about themselves all the time.

You also can't change those who gossip and talk about other people all the time and/or get off on gossip. Which are a huge turnoff, imo.

[Deb]

If you marry young, sometimes things need to be changed in who you are as you grow with a mate if it's detrimental to the relationship. What you can't change is someone who talks about themselves all the time.

You also can't change those who gossip and talk about other people all the time and/or get off on gossip. Which are a huge turnoff, imo.

I'm confused? Was that directed at Jana? From reading her posts here, a gossip is probably one of the last things I would think of???

[Michigan Girl]

If you marry young, sometimes things need to be changed in who you are as you grow with a mate if it's detrimental to the relationship. What you can't change is someone who talks about themselves all the time.

You also can't change those who gossip and talk about other people all the time and/or get off on gossip. Which are a huge turnoff, imo.

I'm confused? Was that directed at Jana? From reading her posts here, a gossip is probably one of the last things I would think of???

Jana is bad about spreading tabloid gossip ...

[Sarah]

If you marry young, sometimes things need to be changed in who you are as you grow with a mate if it's detrimental to the relationship. What you can't change is someone who talks about themselves all the time.

You also can't change those who gossip and talk about other people all the time and/or get off on gossip. Which are a huge turnoff, imo.

I'm confused? Was that directed at Jana? From reading her posts here, a gossip is probably one of the last things I would think of???

I'm guessing Blueskies was just expanding on "What you can't change is someone who talks about themselves all the time" but yeah, it does come off that way...

[Michigan Girl]

But, can't one still be bad ... and good?!?

Yes MG you can, just look at me

Do I even know you?!?!
Who changed you?!? Every time I see Everett, I think
Matty at first glance!!

[Blueskies]

If you marry young, sometimes things need to be changed in who you are as you grow with a mate if it's detrimental to the relationship. What you can't change is someone who talks about themselves all the time.

You also can't change those who gossip and talk about other people all the time and/or get off on gossip. Which are a huge turnoff, imo.

I'm confused? Was that directed at Jana? From reading her posts here, a gossip is probably one of the last things I would think of???

Good grief, NO! I was speaking in generalities expounding on a point just like I figured she was. I didn't even pay attention to who made the post I responded to until you said this^. Geeze, y'all, don't read into and insert something thats not there but I appreciate you asking for clarification before going off on me.

[Rip Rokken]

True, but sometimes you grow apart or at different rates. What I found attractive in my teens or 20s is not necessarily what I find attractive in my 40s. I married a good looking charmer, life of the party type guy in my early 20s. My ex hub is still that good looking charmer, life of the party type guy now in his 40s. And have to say, what I found exciting and attractive in my 20s, LOL didn't find it quite as exciting in my 40s. Went from gf/wife to responsibility/babysitting hub. After 20 years, had enough......and realized life didn't have to be all about debt/drinking/stress. And have never been happier. Don't get me wrong.....sure I still find good looking bad boys attractive but I'd never be stupid enough to marry one again. We are great friends now and are still close....and our daughter is a happy and well adjusted 20 year old. Sometimes you have to go through some really hard shit to realize just what you're made of.

Not directing this at him of course, but those things combined can actually be symptoms of a particular personality disorder if the problems they cause behind the scenes are bad enough. Always lots of fun and excitement to be with in the short run, but usually hell to live with over time. It's very cool that you could grow from it and still be friends with your ex, and that your daughter is doing so well.

[Moon Beam]

Does trying to get your spouse to pick up his clothes and put things back where they belong
translate into trying to change him?
I don't think so but he claims differently.

[Deb]

True, but sometimes you grow apart or at different rates. What I found attractive in my teens or 20s is not necessarily what I find attractive in my 40s. I married a good looking charmer, life of the party type guy in my early 20s. My ex hub is still that good looking charmer, life of the party type guy now in his 40s. And have to say, what I found exciting and attractive in my 20s, LOL didn't find it quite as exciting in my 40s. Went from gf/wife to responsibility/babysitting hub. After 20 years, had enough......and realized life didn't have to be all about debt/drinking/stress. And have never been happier. Don't get me wrong.....sure I still find good looking bad boys attractive but I'd never be stupid enough to marry one again. We are great friends now and are still close....and our daughter is a happy and well adjusted 20 year old. Sometimes you have to go through some really hard shit to realize just what you're made of.

Not directing this at him of course, but those things combined can actually be symptoms of a particular personality disorder if the problems they cause behind the scenes are bad enough. Always lots of fun and excitement to be with in the short run, but usually hell to live with over time. It's very cool that you could grow from it and still be friends with your ex, and that your daughter is doing so well.

Thanks Ripster, I don't know about personality disorder, but I definitely came to realize he had quite an addictive personality. But like I said he is/was quite a charmer, and I kept believing him when he said he'd change things and he would for a few years or so, but it was just a cycle of really good times and really bad times.......had me on the line for over 20 years. But like you said it was just too much over time and I hit my brick wall a few years ago......and now can not imagine going through another 20. I wasn't blameless either, I'm sure I was an enabler every time I made an excuse for him. And when you have to be the responsible one 99% of the time, I have finally begun to let loose a little and enjoying the hell out of life. The first year was hell, but we were able to heal and become friends again in big part to: 1.) Me being able to walk away knowing I gave it my all, 2.) Him voicing that he didn't realize what he had 'til it was gone, and 3.) He found himself a new babysitter.....my job is done.

[WalkInMyShoes]

Does trying to get your spouse to pick up his clothes and put things back where they belong
translate into trying to change him?
I don't think so but he claims differently.

I think I side with your hubby - if you're going to wear something in a few days or a week, why expend the energy to put it away? It is more convenient and efficient to have it right there on some morning when you're in a hurry!

[Rip Rokken]

Thanks Ripster, I don't know about personality disorder, but I definitely came to realize he had quite an addictive personality. But like I said he is/was quite a charmer, and I kept believing him when he said he'd change things and he would for a few years or so, but it was just a cycle of really good times and really bad times.......had me on the line for over 20 years. But like you said it was just too much over time and I hit my brick wall a few years ago......and now can not imagine going through another 20. I wasn't blameless either, I'm sure I was an enabler every time I made an excuse for him. And when you have to be the responsible one 99% of the time, I have finally begun to let loose a little and enjoying the hell out of life. The first year was hell, but we were able to heal and become friends again in big part to: 1.) Me being able to walk away knowing I gave it my all, 2.) Him voicing that he didn't realize what he had 'til it was gone, and 3.) He found himself a new babysitter.....my job is done.

Well, I want to be real careful with that term because it may not apply and I can't judge him -- I love the topic though. The truth is everyone has traits of particular personality types, and if you look over any list of them all of us can find bits and pieces that seem to describe ourselves. Usually we find things in several (maybe someone is a little bit OCD, paranoid at times, gets hysterical, occasionally narcissistic, etc.) That's actually totally normal. The people with the real problems are the ones who can look at those lists and not see anything they can relate to. The types don't become full-blown disorders unless the symptoms and problems they cause are strong enough, so someone can lean toward a certain type without really having a disorder.

Anyway, the common symptom of many of behavioral disorders is really just emotional immaturity and an egocentric view of the world -- like a child. They stop growing at some point and realizing that the people around them have needs too. Thrill-seeking or daredevil types and addiction go hand in hand. A lot of them can be absolutely miserable when they aren't being instantly gratified, and they make the people around them miserable. Most aren't even inherently evil -- just childish, really. Hopefully people will learn and grow out of that because many don't. Whatever his case is, good for you for getting off that elevator and finding happiness. WINGER!!!!!

[Michigan Girl]

Does trying to get your spouse to pick up his clothes and put things back where they belong
translate into trying to change him?
I don't think so but he claims differently.

I think I side with your hubby - if you're going to wear something in a few days or a week, why expend the energy to put it away? It is more convenient and efficient to have it right there on some morning when you're in a hurry!

Why take a shower, make your bed or go to work?!? You're just going to end up stinky, at home and sleeping
anyway ...by yourself!! :D

[WalkInMyShoes]

Does trying to get your spouse to pick up his clothes and put things back where they belong
translate into trying to change him?
I don't think so but he claims differently.

I think I side with your hubby - if you're going to wear something in a few days or a week, why expend the energy to put it away? It is more convenient and efficient to have it right there on some morning when you're in a hurry!

Why take a shower, make your bed or go to work?!? You're just going to end up stinky, at home and sleeping
anyway ...by yourself!! :D

Welcome to my life!!!!!!!!