Sunday Derailment of MR

[Perry86fan]

What did the blonde say when she looked inside a box of Cheerios?

"Look, donut seeds!"

[Lady Luck]

TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

[Blondie]

A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.

The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.

It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?"

She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"

[TRAGChick]

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative

b) Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon



Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...



a) Specificity

b) British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate



Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...



a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

b) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No taco bell for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

[Lady Luck]

A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his
favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young
blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invites her back
to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his
bedroom where he shags her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the shagging resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of
passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, You
finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him
and softly says,
No."Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido
reaches for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end
together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again,
"You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear,
"No, I'm Swedish ."

***********************************************

Do all Italian men have that much stamina?













Sorry, couldn't resist.

[Melissa]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and the Hunchback of Notre Dame were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

The Hunchback of Notre Dame said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphantly, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, the Hunchback of Notre Dame comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"

[Ratgirl]

What did the blonde say when she looked inside a box of Cheerios?

"Look, donut seeds!"

LOL!

[Ms_M]

What did the blonde say when she looked inside a box of Cheerios?

"Look, donut seeds!"

We tell this one in Texas as an Aggie joke... I would NEVER do that - can't offend our resident Aggie.

[bluejeangirl76]

Sometime later, the Hunchback of Notre Dame comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"

ROFLMGDMFAO!!!!

[Crazie Scarab]

What did the blonde say when she looked inside a box of Cheerios?

"Look, donut seeds!"

Thanks!

[bluejeangirl76]

George Bush is sat in the oval office one morning, reviewing the Iraq situation with his generals. The door opens, an aide walks in and says "Bad news, Mr President...we have just had word that 3 Brazilian soldiers have been killed in Iraq."

President Bush drops to his knees and puts his face in his hands and starts sobbing with grief, absolutely inconsolable. The President seems to have taken the news incredibly badly. All the assembled generals can hear from the president is a mumbled "oh my god ...oh my god...."

Eventually, Bush looks up to Dick Cheney through teary eyes from where he is kneeling and asks...

"Exactly how many is a brazillion, Dick?"

[T-Bone]

This Is How To Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace:

This is good stress relief:


Page yourself over the intercom. Don't even try to disguise your voice.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." Or, "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."

Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

This one is my all time favorite!! Just think of "Cornholio"

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

[T-Bone]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

[T-Bone]

Ever wonder why the chicken crossed the road?

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

BILL CLINTON: That depends on what your definition of "did" is.

GEORGE BUSH JR: I don't know, but I'll tell you this: That chicken may run, but it can't hide. God bless America.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: Did you actually see it cross the road? Or did you suddenly notice that it had appeared on the other side? You think you saw it cross the road, but that's an illusion. How many more chickens have to appear before you believe it?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken Millenium Edition, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book, and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: What color was the chicken? If you do your research, you will find that it was a white chicken. Roads are always black. The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

COLONEL SANDERS: You mean I missed one?!

[T-Bone]

Subject: Weird Things You Would Never Know!!

A little something to give you a smile today -

Weird Things You Would Never Know!!


* Butterflies taste with their feet.

* A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

* In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's
nuclear weapons combined.

* On average, 100 people choke to death on ball point pens every year.

* On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

* Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived
immigrants.

*Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are
already married.

*Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

* It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

* Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

* It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

*The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the
weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

* A snail can sleep for three years.

* No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

* Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing. - SCARY!!!

* The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

* All polar bears are left-handed.

* In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

* TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters
only on one row of the keyboard.

* "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

* If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She
would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

* The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

* Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

* Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.

Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know. They
will get a kick out of it !!

You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?

[Trailblazer]

Diary of a Snow Shoveler



December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season
and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window
watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a
Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love
snow!



December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there
be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea
I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy
again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the
snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.


December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have
a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad
he's our neighbor.



December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped
to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything
again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff
and puff so.



December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.



December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.



December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to
stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate
her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.
God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in
my own living room.



December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by
twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too
busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware
store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might
have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have
to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.



December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't
melt 'till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a
plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too
busy. I think the asshole is lying.



December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she
nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did,
but I think she's lying.



December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch
who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls
and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the
corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the
street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've
just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her
and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn
snowplow.



December 25: Merry F!=@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the
!=@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my
blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by
asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The
wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I
have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff
her into the microwave.


December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was
all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.



December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber
came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to
replace all my pipes.



December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!!!



December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
think I am?



December 30: Roof caved in I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now
suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but
also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife
went home to her mother. 9" predicted.



December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.



January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[larryfromnextdoor]

[/img]

[T-Bone]

[T-Bone]

[Crazie Scarab]

Toofless hag..

[Crazie Scarab]

And.. that's a keeper!

[T-Bone]

[Liam]

Ok...THAT pic is saved for next Sunday.

[Lady Luck]

d) No taco bell for me, thank you.

I'm LMAO at that one for other reasons. LOL!

[Perry86fan]

Sometime later, the Hunchback of Notre Dame comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"

ROFLMGDMFAO!!!!

[Lady Luck]

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

ROFLMAO!! Priceless! I DO NOT miss that shit at all.

[Melissa]

I did try to lick my elbow & so did all my co-workers. One came close lol

[TRAGChick]

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Oooooh, that's evil.

LOVE it!!!!

[chickpea]

A hillbilly boy and girl got married and went to the big city for their honeymoon. At the hotel desk, the boy told the clerk it was his wedding night. So the clerk said, "so you'll be wanting the bridal I suppose." The boy blushed and said, "No sir, I'll just hold her by the ears til she gets used to it."


*********

Every morning the wife got up, got dressed, and made her husband breakfast and he would eat and then leave the house with hardly a word spoken to her. One morning she decided she was tired of making his breakfast every morning so instead of getting dressed as usual she grabbed the hem of her nightgown and pulled it up covering her face and fell back on the bed. When the husband went into the kitchen and didn't see his breakfast on the table he went to the bedroom where he found her still laying on the bed with her nightgown up over her face. He just looked at her and said, "Ethel, get up and comb your hair and put your teeth in, I need my breakfast."

[TRAGChick]

I know we've seen this before....but it's worth bringin' back:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBqPHJhm ... ed&search=