OT: Top 10 Reasons for higher death rate at X-mas

[T-Bone]

Apparently the death rate from natural causes (not including suicide) in the US is 12.4% higher than normal on the following three days:

Christmas Day, the day after Christmas Day, and New Years Day........

Why would that be??


1) the Dumbass Effect.... This cause in the increase in the death rate stems from the Brute Stupidity of the middle aged male who bought his son a Dirt Bike for X-mas and then decided to give his son riding lessons on the back forty, even though he hasn't been on a motorcycle since before the child was born. The coroner listed the cause of death as "blunt force trauma", or more precisely, the failure of the central nervous system due to the destruction of the brain after the cranium it resided in made contact with an immovable object.. the garage wall! You are already thinking, why wasn't he wearing a helmet, Well, the cheap ass isn't going to buy one to fit HIS head and the one for the ten year old didn't quite fit now did it??

2) The Clarke Griswald Effect... This interesting phenomenon stems from the competitive nature of humans in general. More to the point, the idea that the house with the most lights plastered on its exterior obviously contains the family with the most Christmas spirit. The Toe tag on this individual would most likely read, "Cardiac Arrest stemming from exposure to high voltage electricity". In reality, it wasn't the 120 Volts that got this poor bastard, it was the 150 amps of current being drawn by the 2.5 thousand miniature light bulbs, all on one circuit, that jumped the tear in the bright orange utility cord that our hapless victim had gashed up with the weedwacker in the summer and just never got around to replacing, cause... "them things ain't Cheap" On a happier note, the electric company DID sent a bereavement card to his family over the loss of their "best seasonal customer"

3) The "Kung Fu Grip" effect.... This cause of death again, would be listed as "Cardiac Arrest", however the onset this time would stem from the stress endured by this person as they fended off the soccer moms and crazed brat spoilers jamming into the local "Toys R Us" to get the latest GI Joe toy with the grenade launcher and the "Kung Foo Grip". Feeling lucky to have escaped with his life, the poor soul returns home to dress his wounds and change out of his soiled clothing. After the ordeal at the toy store, this victim simply dropped over dead when young Billy opened the package withdrew the new toy and immediately burst into tears, uttering a wail of "But I wanted the GI Joe guy with the BLUE combat boots...."

4) The Carbon Monoxide Poisoning effect...... Firefighters arrived at a house on Baker Street today to find the body of a middle aged man who apparently died of "Carbon Monoxide Poisoning" The victim was found dead in his easy chair with a box containing a "naughty elf" outfit from Fredrick's of Hollywood on his lap and a beer in his hand. Apparently, this subject had decided to build a fire for a surprise romantic evening with his wife to bring in the new year.. it appears that the man forgot that the chimney and flue for the fireplace had been blocked off years ago in order to make the fireplace non-operational in order to saw a few bucks on his home owners insurance..... The pool boy, however, commented really liked the naughty elf outfit during "Christmas in July".

5) The "Ted Kennedy" effect. This one is usually reported at about 4 AM January 1st. Cause of death can be listed as Blunt Force Trauma, Cardiac Arrest, Alcohol Poisoning, drowning or any combination thereof. Upon reporting to the accident scene, firefighters usually find a car immersed in water, a severely intoxicated dying or already dead late middle aged man, several bottles of alcohol and a hooker.......

6) The "In-laws" effect... This one usually occurs the day after Christmas Day.. the cause of death is usually hypothermia as the victim is found naked, in the snow, with only a bed sheet for protection after he has been driven out of his own house by bickering in-laws. Apparently the poor should could not stand one more argument about Aunt Bunny's fat ass and uncle Bens disgusting flatulence and in a blind attempt to find some peace and quite, grabbed his bed clothing and staggered off into the night in search of the forest glen where the happy woodland creatures were playing in "frosty The Snowman" Driven Insane after a day of childrens Christmas programs and in-law badgering, he could be heard muttering "bumpity bump bump, bumpity bump bump" as he exited the patio door.

7) The "Human Torch", or the "Ed Galovich" effect This usually occurs to your more trendy, do it yourselfer type of person, the cause of death would be listed as "Cremation" Again, our poor fireman will be most likely to find this guy, crumpled into a charred heap vaguely resembling an Egyptian mummy dipped in used motor oil with a giant shard of metal protruding from his scrotum. The remnants of a turkey deep fryer and a 20Lb Propane tank scattered about the driveway behind him. Note to self.... egg nog and flammable substances... not a good combination.

8) Rabies..... Now, the probability of the actual death of this person to fall on the prescribed days is small, however, the cause of death can be more accurately be traced to the annual harvesting of the Christmas tree. In an attempt to have a more traditional Christmas, this gung ho suburbanite hopped in his Lincoln Navigator and drove out to what he considers "the country" and in a blatant act of trespassing, thievery and vandalism, snuck onto a farmers land in the middle of the night and cut down a small pine tree. Unbeknownst to him, this tree contained the nest of a very agitated squirrel. After the car ride, a new and quite horrifying experience for the squirrel, and the jostling around of the tree being shoved through the front door, the squirrel was quite content to leave well enough alone in that for all his trouble, he now had a cozy 74 degree nest to sleep in in the inner branches of the tree. But the final straw came when his kidnapper hung that damn fake bird sound making loudspeaker Christmas ball in the area directly in front of his nest and left it on 24 hours a day. Driven to the point of insanity from sleeplessness, the poor squirrel took the only avenue of defense left to him and bit the offending human on the crotch... poor little squirrel.

9) RAIDS (recently Acquired Income Deficiency Syndrome) The kids had a banner year for Christmas this year and on Christmas day, there were a LOt of presents that the old man didn't remember buying and a few that he remembered saying that they were not getting because they were ratardedly expensive..... therefore, RAIDS usually occurs when the mail comes the day after Christmas and the credit card bills come..... the victim, realizing that in order to pay off the debt that has now been thrust upon him, he will have to work until he's 90, often dies of cardiac arrest, but sometimes the death comes later, after he is sentenced for the murder of his spouse, who purchased the "Surprise Gifts" on their mutual credit card at 35% interest....

10) The "Scott Farkis Affair" After 48 hours of "A Christmas Story" being run back to back on every channel on the television, this victim is usually found asphyxiated by his own vomit, a 50lb bag of Ovaltine on the kitchen table and a Little Orphan Annie secret decoder ring shoved up his ass.

[*Laura]

2) The Clarke Griswald Effect... This interesting phenomenon stems from the competitive nature of humans in general. More to the point, the idea that the house with the most lights plastered on its exterior obviously contains the family with the most Christmas spirit. The Toe tag on this individual would most likely read, "Cardiac Arrest stemming from exposure to high voltage electricity". In reality, it wasn't the 120 Volts that got this poor bastard, it was the 150 amps of current being drawn by the 2.5 thousand miniature light bulbs, all on one circuit, that jumped the tear in the bright orange utility cord that our hapless victim had gashed up with the weedwacker in the summer and just never got around to replacing, cause... "them things ain't Cheap" On a happier note, the electric company DID sent a bereavement card to his family over the loss of their "best seasonal customer"

I've already seen a few "Griswalds" in my neighborhood who'll end up just like that...LOL

[Perrydise]

This is great!!