Lessons In: Think Before You Speak
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'.
I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed
female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Pull Up A Chair, Sit On Your Ass, And Laugh A Little
Moderator: Andrew
25 posts
• Page 1 of 1
by T-Bone » Thu Feb 07, 2008 12:40 pm
Taser Classic...don't tell me you can read this Without laughing...
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was Disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND Pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.. Awe some!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading g lasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... That hurt like heck!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Earl
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was Disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND Pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.. Awe some!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading g lasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... That hurt like heck!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Earl
- T-Bone
by T-Bone » Thu Feb 07, 2008 12:41 pm
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die ?"
She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.
Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns
until he's down to 4 more hours He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours, do you think we could............."?
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... You don't."
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die ?"
She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.
Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns
until he's down to 4 more hours He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours, do you think we could............."?
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... You don't."
- T-Bone
by T-Bone » Thu Feb 07, 2008 12:41 pm
A riddle for the day
.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
.
Madonna doesn't have one.
.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
.
Clinton uses his all the time.
.
Bush is one.
.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
.
Liberace never used his on women.
.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
.
What is it? Answer below! (This is pretty good).
The answer is: "A Last Name."
.
You thought it was a dirty joke, didn't you?
.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
.
Madonna doesn't have one.
.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
.
Clinton uses his all the time.
.
Bush is one.
.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
.
Liberace never used his on women.
.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
.
What is it? Answer below! (This is pretty good).
The answer is: "A Last Name."
.
You thought it was a dirty joke, didn't you?
- T-Bone
by T-Bone » Thu Feb 07, 2008 1:33 pm
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada "
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land."
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."
The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada "
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land."
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."
The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."
- T-Bone
by Shadowsong » Thu Feb 07, 2008 3:18 pm
T-Bone wrote:Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada "
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land."
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."
The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."
Oh, fill it with beer.
Show them we are not all barbarians!
Let them die with a brewsky.
Thanks for the cheer...
-
Shadowsong - Cassette Tape
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by bluejeangirl76 » Thu Feb 07, 2008 3:38 pm
I love this thread T-Bone.
And I love your avatar... "hazard county" - so totally true.
And I love your avatar... "hazard county" - so totally true.
-
bluejeangirl76 - MP3
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by Shadowsong » Thu Feb 07, 2008 3:43 pm
I used to wonder why the heck anyone would wear those big baggy pants with crotches almost down to there ankles...
Maybe they well endowed
or maybe they use it as a belly pouch...
sort of like a kangaroo..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sEOx3R5VBk
Maybe they well endowed
or maybe they use it as a belly pouch...
sort of like a kangaroo..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sEOx3R5VBk
-
Shadowsong - Cassette Tape
- Posts: 2315
- Joined: Sat Nov 26, 2005 7:42 am
- Location: ~Looking through the Eyes of Forever~
by Lady Luck » Thu Feb 07, 2008 11:50 pm
T-Bone wrote:A riddle for the day
.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
.
Madonna doesn't have one.
.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
.
Clinton uses his all the time.
.
Bush is one.
.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
.
Liberace never used his on women.
.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
.
What is it? Answer below! (This is pretty good).
The answer is: "A Last Name."
.
You thought it was a dirty joke, didn't you?
Uh...
- Lady Luck
- Cassette Tape
- Posts: 1238
- Joined: Fri Dec 22, 2006 5:57 am
Re: Pull Up A Chair, Sit On Your Ass, And Laugh A Little
by conversationpc » Fri Feb 08, 2008 12:11 am
T-Bone wrote:LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed
female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
My blog = Dave's Dominion
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conversationpc - Super Audio CD
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by NealIsGod » Fri Feb 08, 2008 12:21 am
A lesson in Time Management
The Spoon
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
The Spoon
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
-
NealIsGod - MP3
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by Moon Beam » Fri Feb 08, 2008 12:47 am
These are great folks, thanks!
I have one to add.......
A man and woman are standing in the produce section at
a grocery store and the man reaches for some oranges.
His elbow accidentally pokes the woman in her breast.
He quickly says "Pardon me and let me say if your heart is as
soft as your breast I'm sure you'll find it in you to forgive me"
She replies, "well dear Sir if your penis is a hard as your elbow
I'm staying in room 122 at the hotel next door"
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Moon Beam - Digital Audio Tape
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by Michigan Girl » Fri Feb 08, 2008 12:49 am
Moon Beam wrote::lol: These are great folks, thanks!
I have one to add.......
A man and woman are standing in the produce section at
a grocery store and the man reaches for some oranges.
His elbow accidentally pokes the woman in her breast.
He quickly says "Pardon me and let me say if your heart is as
soft as your breast I'm sure you'll find it in you to forgive me"
She replies, "well dear Sir if your penis is a hard as your elbow
I'm staying in room 122 at the hotel next door"
- Michigan Girl
- MP3
- Posts: 13963
- Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2008 8:36 am
by NealIsGod » Fri Feb 08, 2008 1:31 am
A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !" The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says , "No, I am from Africa !" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!"
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !" The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says , "No, I am from Africa !" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!"
-
NealIsGod - MP3
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by Michigan Girl » Fri Feb 08, 2008 1:46 am
NealIsGod wrote:A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !" The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says , "No, I am from Africa !" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!"
WOW, this makes you laugh and then get angry!!
- Michigan Girl
- MP3
- Posts: 13963
- Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2008 8:36 am
by tj » Fri Feb 08, 2008 4:01 am
T-Bone wrote:Taser Classic...don't tell me you can read this Without laughing...
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was Disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND Pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.. Awe some!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading g lasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... That hurt like heck!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Earl
I could not stop laughing at this one. So hard I was crying and almost peed my pants.
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tj - Cassette Tape
- Posts: 1321
- Joined: Wed Jun 20, 2007 2:55 am
- Location: State of Confusion
by T-Bone » Fri Feb 08, 2008 7:49 am
Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful Ben’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Ben volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. “You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”
Ben said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll E-Mail her just to be sure.”
So he sat down at the computer and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”
Several days later, Ben received an e-mail from his mother which read:
“Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Allison, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom”
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Ben volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. “You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”
Ben said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll E-Mail her just to be sure.”
So he sat down at the computer and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”
Several days later, Ben received an e-mail from his mother which read:
“Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Allison, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom”
- T-Bone
by mistiejourney » Fri Feb 08, 2008 11:45 am
Bwahahahahahaha!
That was a great break from studying - totally hilarious!
That was a great break from studying - totally hilarious!
Kim in CA : )
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mistiejourney - Cassette Tape
- Posts: 2415
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by Shadowsong » Fri Feb 08, 2008 3:11 pm
So where's the emoticon
with the lil guy
rollin on the floor
laughing his ass off????
I really want him!
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Shadowsong - Cassette Tape
- Posts: 2315
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- Location: ~Looking through the Eyes of Forever~
by T-Bone » Fri Feb 08, 2008 9:14 pm
An 80 year old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The
doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80 year old said, "I've never felt
better. I have an 18 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What
do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute then replies, "I have a
friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was
going out in a bit of a hurry and this is what he did. He accidentally
picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek
that's when he saw a prime beaver. The beaver was sitting beside a stream
of water. He raised his umbrella and went "Bang!" "Bang!" The beaver
fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80 year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly!!!"
doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80 year old said, "I've never felt
better. I have an 18 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What
do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute then replies, "I have a
friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was
going out in a bit of a hurry and this is what he did. He accidentally
picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek
that's when he saw a prime beaver. The beaver was sitting beside a stream
of water. He raised his umbrella and went "Bang!" "Bang!" The beaver
fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80 year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly!!!"
- T-Bone
by T-Bone » Fri Feb 08, 2008 9:14 pm
Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat around
the bush. You have AIDS."
Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy
sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in
hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2
box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of
what your ass is for."
The doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat around
the bush. You have AIDS."
Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy
sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in
hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2
box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of
what your ass is for."
- T-Bone
by T-Bone » Fri Feb 08, 2008 9:14 pm
One day, the owner of a dildo shop went out of town for some personal business. He told his employee to sell as many as possible with no discounts. The employee was soon greeted by a black woman who wanted to try out a white dildo. The clerk said that will be $100 which she gladly paid. Soon after, a white woman came in looking for a black dildo. The clerk said that will be $100, which she gladly paid. About an hour later, a blonde walks in. The employee gave her a thorough overview of their stock. After a few minutes she said, how much is that plaid one? The employee looked stunned then realized the one she mentioned. That's our best dildo in the entire store he said- it's $1000. The blonde was excited and promptly paid for it. The boss came back a little while later and asked "how much did you sell today?" The employee said $1200- the boss was shocked. What exactly did we sell he asked?- the shelves don't look too empty. Well, the employee said, I sold 1 white dildo for $100, 1 black dildo for $100, and your thermos for $1000.
- T-Bone
by T-Bone » Fri Feb 08, 2008 9:15 pm
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
- T-Bone
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