JOKES TIME>>>>>>>>>>A TIME TO

[Loneman1]

Heres an ancient one......

World’s Toughest Cowboy

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.”

The second chimes in, “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.”

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

[Loneman1]

It's not a joke, but this made me laugh harder than I have in a very long time!

http://s2.photobucket.com/albums/y20/PerthPurplePenguin/vids/?action=view&current=cvUMHvLZ.flv

That reminded me of a similar video with a kitten and an electric toothbrush - http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1831976/

[Saint John]

2 of my favorites:

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"

"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears.
"What's the matter ?" asked the doctor?
"Am I going to have puppies ?"

and


Why do doctors slap a baby after it is born?
To make the dicks fall off of the dumb ones.

[Arianddu]

Three couples are involved in a major car crash and all six are killed. They arrive at the Peraly Gates, and St Peter is waiting to check them over to see if they can get in.

"First up," St Peter says, "none of that feminist bullshit up here, the men go first, you women can wait. Right, you first!" he continues, pointing at the first man. He checks throught he guy's life book, and then, shaking his head says "No, no, no, sorry - it says here you've spent your life obsessed by money. You've destroyed lives for the sake of it, you've been cruel and callous to gain it, you have abused positions of trust for it, and have allowed those you could have helped to suffer in order to keep it. You are so obsessed with money, you even married a woman called Penny. You're going to hell."

Then St Peter looks up the life book of the second man.

"No, sorry, you aren't getting in either. You're an unrepentant alcoholic, and your obsession with the demon drink has caused you to sin on numerous occasions. You continued to drink even though it destroyed all of your personal relationships; it cost you your job, your friends and your self respect, but you kept on drinking. You have lied to cover it up, you have cheated and stolen to continue to drink, and you have knowingly hurt and damaged everyone who cared about you so you could keep on drinking. You are so obsessed with alcohol you even married a woman called Sherry. You're going to hell."

The third man turns to his wife and says "I don't think they're going to let me in, Fanny."

[Rick]

An elderly couple are walking home from the community college one evening and happened upon some friends on their way.

The friends inquired what they had been up to, and the man said they had just left the community college where they had been taking a memory improvement course.

"Does it work?" They were asked. The woman replied "Oh my goodness yes. We're remembering things that we'd forgotten 20 years ago. It has brought back a whole new dimension in our lives. We have so much more to talk about now and find that we really appreciate each others company so much more."

"Well that sounds great, what's the name of the course?" The man stood there scratching his head, snapping his fingers, saying "Um, um, gosh... ohhhh.... what's the name of that flower with the long stem and thorns on it?" The friends in unison asked "A Rose?" The man said "Yeah that's it!!! Rose, what's the name of that course we're taking over at the community college?"

[stevew2]

2 of my favorites:

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"

"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears.
"What's the matter ?" asked the doctor?
"Am I going to have puppies ?"

and thats pretty good, Tito loves dick jokes


Why do doctors slap a baby after it is born?
To make the dicks fall off of the dumb ones.

[S2M]

What did the two condoms say when they walked into the gay bar?

'Man are we gonna get shit-faced tonight!'

[AlteredDNA]

For the Ladies, here are some jokes at men's expense...


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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned 90!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.

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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

[Rhiannon]

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

*Snicker* That's cute.

[AlteredDNA]

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

*Snicker* That's cute.

That's what she said...

[Rhiannon]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[YoungJRNY]

This guy was so fired up to finally attend his first Steelers game. He discovered his seats were up high and even though he was so excited to be there, he was disappointed since he couldn't really see because of the people in front of him blocking his view and since they were such high seats to begin with.

So at halftime, he decided to use his binoculars to see if someway somehow if there would happen to be one seat open in the lower sections so he can enjoy his first game in person. He's looking and looking and he finally spots a seat around the 50 yard line down below. So he heads down.

Approaching the empty seat he asks the guy next to him if anyone was sitting there during the course of the game. The man says that he and his wife have been season ticket holders for over 40 years and went to every game they could of together.

He explains she is no longer with us and is holding her seat in remembrance. He offers the seat to the young man and would be more than happy to let him sit there to carry out the remembrance of his loving fan and wife.

Out of curiosity, the young man asks.. " Excuse me for asking, sir, but just out of curiosity, how come you never give your other ticket to any other members of your family, like maybe your brothers, or sons, or even grandchildren?"

The old man replied..

"They are all at the funeral.."

[Rhiannon]

To be fair... Jokes at the ladies expense.


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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

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[Rick]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."