Lame joke list, add your own........

[NealIsGod]

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The monkey proceeds to jump onto the pool table, grab the 8-ball and swallow it. The bartender yells, "Hey! That monkey owes me an 8-ball!" The owner apologizes and promises to return the 8-ball tomorrow once the monkey "passes" it. The bartender takes the man's watch as collateral.

The next day the man returns with the monkey on his shoulder. He drops the 8-ball on the pool table, and the bartender nods and grabs the man's watch from under the bar. As he is returning the watch, the bartender watches the monkey pick up a walnut, stick it up his butt, pull it out and eat it. "What the hell is that monkey of your up to now?" asks the bartender.

"Oh, he sizes things now."

[etcetera]

"Oh, he sizes things now."

LMAO!

In keeping with "lame"...

• Always remember that you are unique...just like everyone else.
  
• There are three kinds of people...those who can count and those who can't.

[RedWingFan]

Three midgets are standing outside of the "Guiness Book of World Records" building.

The first midget says , "You know what? I have pretty small hands, I'm going to try to get in the Guiness Book of World records."
A while later he comes back out smiling and says, "Yup, I made it. I have the smallest hands in the world."

The second midget thinks a minute and says, "Now that you mention it. I have some pretty small feet. I think I'll try to get into Guiness too!"
A few minutes later he walks out smiling and says, "Yup, I'm in too. I have the smallest feet in the world."

Then the third midget says, "Hey. I happen to have a pretty small penis. I'm going to try to get into Guiness too."
A few minutes later he comes back out and yells, "Who the hell is Rockin' Deano?"

**Guys, when telling this joke to a group of friends you have to first select which of them is "smallest penis in the world guy" and fill in his name at the end. It was used on me and I laughed my ass off!!!

[artist4perry]

Three midgets are standing outside of the "Guiness Book of World Records" building.

The first midget says , "You know what? I have pretty small hands, I'm going to try to get in the Guiness Book of World records."
A while later he comes back out smiling and says, "Yup, I made it. I have the smallest hands in the world."

The second midget thinks a minute and says, "Now that you mention it. I have some pretty small feet. I think I'll try to get into Guiness too!"
A few minutes later he walks out smiling and says, "Yup, I'm in too. I have the smallest feet in the world."

Then the third midget says, "Hey. I happen to have a pretty small penis. I'm going to try to get into Guiness too."
A few minutes later he comes back out and yells, "Who the hell is Rockin' Deano?"

**Guys, when telling this joke to a group of friends you have to first select which of them is "smallest penis in the world guy" and fill in his name at the end. It was used on me and I laughed my ass off!!!

I am sure Rockindeano has a punch line for you too! LOL! He is a good sport.........

[UncleKG]

What is the difference between a Florida Gator fan's car and a Porcupine?

With a Porcupine, the pricks are on the OUTSIDE.

[AlteredDNA]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

[Michigan Girl]

Three midgets are standing outside of the "Guiness Book of World Records" building.

The first midget says , "You know what? I have pretty small hands, I'm going to try to get in the Guiness Book of World records."
A while later he comes back out smiling and says, "Yup, I made it. I have the smallest hands in the world."

The second midget thinks a minute and says, "Now that you mention it. I have some pretty small feet. I think I'll try to get into Guiness too!"
A few minutes later he walks out smiling and says, "Yup, I'm in too. I have the smallest feet in the world."

Then the third midget says, "Hey. I happen to have a pretty small penis. I'm going to try to get into Guiness too."
A few minutes later he comes back out and yells, "Who the hell is Rockin' Deano?"

**Guys, when telling this joke to a group of friends you have to first select which of them is "smallest penis in the world guy" and fill in his name at the end. It was used on me and I laughed my ass off!!!

The joke was funny.....the directions, hysterical!!

[Rhiannon]

**Guys, when telling this joke to a group of friends you have to first select which of them is "smallest penis in the world guy" and fill in his name at the end. It was used on me and I laughed my ass off!!!

Sorry to hear about that...

[UncleKG]

An old one....

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One's made of plastic and is dangerous for kids to play with......and the other can hold your groceries.

[bluejeangirl76]

The other night a guy picked me up at a bar, and I said....

"Hey. Put me down."

[Don]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher
picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds
sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly away".

"Well the answer is four" said the teacher, "but it's good that you're
thinking!"

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three
women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the
second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one
is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger,
but it's good that you're thinking!"

[Rhiannon]

Three college buddies are walking down the street.
The first two walk into a bar.
The third one ducks.

[bluejeangirl76]

A momma tomato, a papa tomato and a baby tomato are walking down the street.
Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Papa tomato turns around and squishes Baby tomato and says...

"Ketch up!"

[Rhiannon]

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Smell mob..."
"Smell mob who?"

...

[bluejeangirl76]

Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?

She missed.



What's the difference between American and Serbian pilots?
American pilots break ground and fly into the wind!

[Tito]

I have a real good one I heard the other day, however I will not post it here as you people have no sense of humor and will find it offensive.

I may PM it to a few select individuals though.

[Deb]

Why parents should always check their children's homework before they hand it in:


A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment.




After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:


Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This photo is of me selling a shovel.

[Rick]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5-Iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, “What happened to you?”

“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”

“I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow’s arse.

Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”

“I don’t remember much after that .”

[RedWingFan]

**Guys, when telling this joke to a group of friends you have to first select which of them is "smallest penis in the world guy" and fill in his name at the end. It was used on me and I laughed my ass off!!!

Sorry to hear about that...

I didn't say it was accurate!!!

[Lilla_Forever]

What do you have if you have two grass green felt balls in your hand?

Kermit the Frog's full attention!

[Don]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

[AlteredDNA]

Two 80 year old men are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: "It makes you feel young again." John looks at Brian and says, "We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff!" Brian agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of Ex-Lax.

They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive. About one mile later Brian asks, "Well John, do you feel young yet?" "No," replies John. So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue to drive down the road.

A couple of miles later, Brian asks, "John, do you feel younger?" "No," replies John, "but I've just done a very childish thing!"

[Arianddu]

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only two, but you've got to get them into the lightbulb first.


How many agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None - agents only screw musicians.

[bluejeangirl76]

(I swiped this from DSHinMich... it's too funny not to be here...)

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.''

'Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'

He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, '
Why a re t here 3 in this package?'

The dad replies, 'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.'

Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'

Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12Pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........'

[Don]

Why does a squirrel swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry.

[Uno_up]

Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

[Uno_up]

After their 11th child, a South Carolina couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in South Carolina) light it, put it in a beer can (PBR), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The South Carolinan said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Arkansas.

[Michigan Girl]

After their 11th child, a South Carolina couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in South Carolina) light it, put it in a beer can (PBR), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The South Carolinan said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Arkansas.

omg....lol!!! :twisted:

[Uno_up]

NO RUNNING IN THE HOUSE !!!!!!



How many times have we been told...

and have told our children...

NOT to run in the house?

Did we always listen?

Do they listen?

Not always.

Sometimes our seemingly futile efforts fail,

and 'boo-boo's' happen.



Here is a little guy who didn't listen,

and he got his own souvenir scars.


Perhaps he'll learn from his mistake. Maybe....







Doesn't look too bad.



But perhaps he should keep this next photo handy



to explain the way it happened!......





ow





ow







ow







ow

[artist4perry]

After their 11th child, a South Carolina couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in South Carolina) light it, put it in a beer can (PBR), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The South Carolinan said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Arkansas.

omg....lol!!! :twisted:

UN OP.............Arkansas and I might want to have a word with you! Nah! It's all good!

I was born in Los Angeles..........

My husband, who is from California, laughed his butt off...........