OT: One-Liners

by **etcetera** » Fri Jan 23, 2009 6:26 pm

Ginger's Lame Joke and Rick's Steven Wright threads had me thinking...How about one on one-liners?

Sharing some:

Booze may not be the answer but it helps you forget the question.
"If it wasn't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all." - Rodney Dangerfield
A bank will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

As they say...He who laughs last...thinks slowest

.

Got more?

by **G.I.Jim** » Fri Jan 23, 2009 10:33 pm

Girl, you must be exhausted...you've been running through my mind all night! :wink:

by **Carla777** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 12:35 am

Lol Jim..well i found a few ones too:

- "Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?" - Jules Feiffer

- When we talk to God it's called prayer; when God talks back it's called schizophrenia

- Save the whales; collect the whole set.

- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

- Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

:twisted:

by **diezynueve69** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 11:51 am

Carla777 wrote:"Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?" - Jules Feiffer

Yeah...On second thought

.

etcetera wrote:"If it wasn't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all." - Rodney Dangerfield

More of RD's in-your-face side

:

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

by **finalfight** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 11:55 am

Best joke I heard in ages was recently posted on this very board. It was the following -

'We'll see' :lol:

by **artist4perry** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 12:01 pm

finalfight wrote:Best joke I heard in ages was recently posted on this very board. It was the following -

'We'll see'

Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

:shock:

You didn't say they had to be good............. :wink:

by **finalfight** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 12:03 pm

artist4perry wrote:
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.

Q: How do you instantly lose 400 pounds of ugly fat?
A: Run away from the loon!

:lol:

by **G.I.Jim** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 12:03 pm

artist4perry wrote:
finalfight wrote:Best joke I heard in ages was recently posted on this very board. It was the following -

'We'll see'

Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

You didn't say they had to be good.............

by **artist4perry** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 12:06 pm

finalfight wrote:
artist4perry wrote:
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.

Q: How do you instantly lose 400 pounds of ugly fat?
A: Run away from the loon!

Insurance is up to date right? :shock:

Why is the ground moving? :shock:

Run Finalfight, run and don't look back! :shock:

by **finalfight** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 12:11 pm

artist4perry wrote:
finalfight wrote:
artist4perry wrote:
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.

Q: How do you instantly lose 400 pounds of ugly fat?
A: Run away from the loon!

Insurance is up to date right? Why is the ground moving? Run Finalfight, run and don't look back!

When they come a-running the tremors in the ground will be all the warning I need!

by **artist4perry** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 12:15 pm

finalfight wrote:
artist4perry wrote:
finalfight wrote:
artist4perry wrote:
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.

Q: How do you instantly lose 400 pounds of ugly fat?
A: Run away from the loon!

Insurance is up to date right? Why is the ground moving? Run Finalfight, run and don't look back!

When they come a-running the tremors in the ground will be all the warning I need!

LOL! Just drop a fake map to Steve's house, a rumor page of his great comeback, then run for the hills! :shock:

by **finalfight** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 12:21 pm

artist4perry wrote:
finalfight wrote:
artist4perry wrote:
finalfight wrote:
artist4perry wrote:
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.

Q: How do you instantly lose 400 pounds of ugly fat?
A: Run away from the loon!

Insurance is up to date right? Why is the ground moving? Run Finalfight, run and don't look back!

When they come a-running the tremors in the ground will be all the warning I need!

LOL! Just drop a fake map to Steve's house, a rumor page of his great comeback, then run for the hills!

...or up the nearest flight of steps. Either is safe ground! :lol:

by **finalfight** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 12:27 pm

LLL wrote:FF, you better be glad "the pond" is between you and some of these spoons on here! LMAO!

The pond and about a year on a treadmill so I am safe for the moment!

by **artist4perry** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 12:54 pm

finalfight wrote:
LLL wrote:FF, you better be glad "the pond" is between you and some of these spoons on here! LMAO!

The pond and about a year on a treadmill so I am safe for the moment!

Hey we could do a whole one liner thing on loons!

How many loons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

These two loons walk into a bar...........

A loon, a rabbi, and a sailor ..........................

Add your own punchlines............ :wink:

by **Rhiannon** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 12:57 pm

artist4perry wrote:How many loons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Five.

One to stalk the bulb, one to daydream about when the bulb was still bright, one to say she can screw it back better than the others, one to scream that the bulb never went out, and one to speculate that the old bulb will shine again one day.

by **artist4perry** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 12:59 pm

Rhiannon wrote:
artist4perry wrote:How many loons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Five.

One to stalk the bulb, one to daydream about when the bulb was still bright, one to say she can screw it back better than the others, one to scream that the bulb never went out, and one to speculate that the old bulb will shine again one day.

Rhi Rules...........awsome! LOL! I am keeping this one! :lol:

by **artist4perry** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 1:01 pm

I want to know how she thinks on her feet that quickly! :lol:

by **Rhiannon** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 1:02 pm

artist4perry wrote:I want to know how she thinks on her feet that quickly!

She's just that good.

by **finalfight** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 1:06 pm

Rhiannon wrote:
artist4perry wrote:How many loons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Five.

One to stalk the bulb, one to daydream about when the bulb was still bright, one to say she can screw it back better than the others, one to scream that the bulb never went out, and one to speculate that the old bulb will shine again one day.

That is brilliant! Bravo - post of the year, right there! :lol:

What do you do for an encore...? :shock:

by **artist4perry** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 1:07 pm

Rhiannon wrote:
artist4perry wrote:I want to know how she thinks on her feet that quickly!

She's just that good.

3 minutes..........at the most! You need to do standup. That was priceless, I laughed till I cried! They were well thought out answers too..........................now how about the other two?

by **Rhiannon** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 1:13 pm

Sorry, that's it... my randomness comes in spurts. Ask again later...

by **finalfight** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 1:18 pm

Rhiannon wrote:Sorry, that's it... my randomness comes in spurts. Ask again later...

From now on we shall greatly look forward to you coming in spurts...

God, I hate myself for typing that! :lol:

by **bluejeangirl76** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 1:20 pm

artist4perry wrote:These two loons walk into a bar...........

... then they remember they once saw a picture of Steve Perry that had a bottle of Gatorade in the background, so they run to Walgreens and buy 12 cases of it. :twisted:

Not as good as Rhi's but... meh. That's all I got. :lol:

by **finalfight** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 1:21 pm

bluejeangirl76 wrote:
artist4perry wrote:These two loons walk into a bar...........

... then they remember they once saw a picture of Steve Perry that had a bottle of Gatorade in the background, so they run to Walgreens and but 12 cases of it.

Not as good as Rhi's but... meh. That's all I got.

It's funny 'cos it's true!
:lol:

by **artist4perry** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 1:22 pm

Rhiannon wrote:Sorry, that's it... my randomness comes in spurts. Ask again later...
That was priceless Rhi, FF was right..........Post of the year!

by **Duncan** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 1:22 pm

Rhiannon wrote:
artist4perry wrote:How many loons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Five.

One to stalk the bulb, one to daydream about when the bulb was still bright, one to say she can screw it back better than the others, one to scream that the bulb never went out, and one to speculate that the old bulb will shine again one day.

Pure magic :lol:

----------------
Now playing: The Alan Parsons Project - Too Late

by **artist4perry** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 1:24 pm

finalfight wrote:
Rhiannon wrote:Sorry, that's it... my randomness comes in spurts. Ask again later...

From now on we shall greatly look forward to you coming in spurts...

God, I hate myself for typing that!

Glad you could rise to the occasion FF............. :wink:

by **artist4perry** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 1:40 pm

Two loons walk into a bar, they ask the bartender to create a drink in his honor, one that would reflect his greatness. The bartender thought a moment and quickly went to work. Soon, he returns with a foaming brew in two dark glasses. Not being shy the two girls eagerly chugged down the awful tasting brew. One said, "That was horrible! Not good enough for his greatness!" A few minutes later her intestines started to churn, the two girls made a mad dash for the ladies room. The man sitting watching the whole affair leaned to the bartender and asked what was in it. The bartender chuckled, He said one part allum to make their voices high pitched like his, one part portuguese sausage, (well, you know :wink:

). And one part hallapeno peppers. The guy looked puzzled for a moment and asked, what are the hallapenos for?

O.K. guys that was as far as I could get on the joke..........finish it! :lol:

by **Rhiannon** » Sat Jan 24, 2009 2:39 pm

finalfight wrote:From now on we shall greatly look forward to you coming in spurts...

God, I hate myself for typing that!

You're such a goober! :lol:

by **artist4perry** » Sun Jan 25, 2009 2:47 am

Rhiannon wrote:
finalfight wrote:From now on we shall greatly look forward to you coming in spurts...

God, I hate myself for typing that!

You're such a goober!

Now there is a southern term I have not heard in a while! I had to explain what it meant to my husband, he is from California...... :lol:

MR

OT: One-Liners

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