OT – to all you parents of teenagers...

[Arianddu]

...a huge round of applause!!! I tip my hat to you!

When I was in my 20s, everytime I felt clucky I used to 'borrow' a friend's little girl, take her out for a day at the zoo or whatever, get her stoked up on sweets and then hand her back to her parents, sugar-high and over-excited. Yes, I know - and I am paying for it now.

She is now almost-17, and is living with me for a few months. She's only been here for three weeks, and she just discovered that while 'Cool Auntie A.' might treat her more like a grown up than her parents do and give her more freedom, that doesn't mean she gets free rein and I expect her to behave properly. Today there has been major drama to do with her use of my computer, and I feel like I've just gone ten rounds with a prizefighting grizzy! I even rang my mother afterwards to apologise to her for the shit I pulled at that age.

So kudos to you real parents who have been doing this for years. 3 weeks and I'm exhausted! Lord knows how we'll get through the next 3 months.

Oh, and is there any way to effectively communicate with a hysterical 16 year old who has locked herself in her room?

[Arianddu]

I am sooooo tempted to do that!

[Rhiannon]

Oh, and is there any way to effectively communicate with a hysterical 16 year old who has locked herself in her room?

Ignore the dramatics. Act nonchalant as if you don't notice. An hour later she'll get bored... get over it... act mad at you for the rest of the day, but she's really just embarassed because she knows she made an ass of herself.

[Arianddu]

Oh, and is there any way to effectively communicate with a hysterical 16 year old who has locked herself in her room?

Ignore the dramatics. Act nonchalant as if you don't notice. An hour later she'll get bored... get over it... act mad at you for the rest of the day, but she's really just embarassed because she knows she made an ass of herself.

True, unfortunately it's something we have to talk about. We made a start and it's when I told her that she had to 'fess up to a few people that she went into hysterics. Absolutely something she doesn't want to deal with. At the moment, I'm enjoying the quiet, but I'm sure she'll emerge later and we'll sort it out.

As much as anything, I suspect a big part of the drama is that she expected living with me was going to be a bit of a party, the same way it's been when she's spent the weekend. And I don't think she likes the 'taking responsibility for your self' part of 'being treated like a grown up'.

[Blueskies]

Normal teenage behavior. Dont act authoritative and defiant in response..she'll only get more defiant and rebellious in return and communication will break down and you'll only get attitude or she'll build a wall and not want to talk to you at all. Give her some space..let her stay in her room..she'll come out eventually and when she does act like nothing has happened and don't confront her..ask her if she' s hungry and would like something to eat and if she does or doesn't go on to talk about something pleasant and casual and then maybe when the conversation is not focused on her she will join in...if she does or doesn't then a little later once things are calmer ask her to go with you for a walk on the beach or on a nice trail nearby and then calmly talk to her as you would a friend and ask her whats really bothering her...it may be she just rebeled because she thought you were angry at her and it hurt her or because she thought you were acting like a parent and she gets enough of that at home and doesn't want to be treated like a child..then explain to her how she has to respect boundaries and you as an adult who is responsible for her while shes with you ect....or there could be more thats bothering her that has nothing to do with you and she is confused, hurt or angry about something else going on in her life. If approached calmly and as a friend that cares and wants to listen, understand and talk it out then maybe she'll open up ..but if she doesn't then while walking tell her what you thought about what occurred and let her know that the behavior is not acceptable but you still love her. Going head to head to her and responding in anger or forcefullness of will...will only increase the hostility and resentment. Just my suggestion. Good luck.

[SherriBerry]

What happened with the computer?

[mikemarrs]

i have a four year old daughter and three year old son born on the same day a year apart.these lil energizer bunnies don't let up from the time they wake up until the time they go to bed and the four year old wants to do everything and already acts independent.you can't even put her plate in the sink or she'll scream until no tomorrow.they fight,claw,scratch,yell and run all day.i think we've both aged a decade the last year from pure exhaustion.

[Arianddu]

What happened with the computer?

She found a couple of passwords I use and logged in as me on a few places that have member-only access, then used an old email of mine to join a couple of websites and I caught her out because of it. Partly my stupidity for using the same password for places I don't need any security on, but I'm still mad as hell. And worried too, because I still don't know the extent of it and I'm pretty sure she's holding out on the full extent. She's pretty grown up in some respects, and still a dumb kid in other ways.

[SherriBerry]

What happened with the computer?

She found a couple of passwords I use and logged in as me on a few places that have member-only access, then used an old email of mine to join a couple of websites and I caught her out because of it. Partly my stupidity for using the same password for places I don't need any security on, but I'm still mad as hell. And worried too, because I still don't know the extent of it and I'm pretty sure she's holding out on the full extent. She's pretty grown up in some respects, and still a dumb kid in other ways.

Whoa! I thought the argument might have been over you wanting to use your computer and she was spending too much time on it. She needs to understand that if she set up accounts using your identity and information, even if it's just on YouTube or something, that's identity theft and it's a felony in most countries (in Canada the equivalent is an indictable offense). That's bloody serious - she is quite lucky you haven't sent her packing back home to your friend already, and it is a completely unacceptable violation of your trust. Did she delete the history or is there another way to track which sites she has been on?

[Arianddu]

What happened with the computer?

She found a couple of passwords I use and logged in as me on a few places that have member-only access, then used an old email of mine to join a couple of websites and I caught her out because of it. Partly my stupidity for using the same password for places I don't need any security on, but I'm still mad as hell. And worried too, because I still don't know the extent of it and I'm pretty sure she's holding out on the full extent. She's pretty grown up in some respects, and still a dumb kid in other ways.

Whoa! I thought the argument might have been over you wanting to use your computer and she was spending too much time on it. She needs to understand that if she set up accounts using your identity and information, even if it's just on YouTube or something, that's identity theft and it's a felony in most countries (in Canada the equivalent is an indictable offense). That's bloody serious - she is quite lucky you haven't sent her packing back home to your friend already, and it is a completely unacceptable violation of your trust. Did she delete the history or is there another way to track which sites she has been on?

Yeah, huge violation of trust, and I still can't believe she did it. She didn't actually pretend to be me, just used my old email; at least, I think that's what's happened. Rhi's got it right - the tantrum is because she knows she's in the wrong and doesn't want to deal with it. I know some of it, I'm working on tracking the rest, and I'm hoping once she's calmed down and we've talked that she'll tell me the full. But it does make things hard for me.

[KDOUBLEU]

I think anybody who has teenagers and can make it through the teen years without killing them deserves a medal. Ive been through 3 of them and they all pushed me to the limit. In my line of work in Law Enforcement I thought because I deal with just about every type of situation i would have the world by the balls in dealing with my kids. Boy was i wrong!! I hope everything comes out well for you and you can work out your mess dont back down she will come around eventually.

[DrFU]

Trust issue seems a bigger deal than the actual offense. Spent a LOT of time working on this one with my three guys -- getting them to understand that love and trust are two sides of the same coin & that they didn't get to lie and sneak around without damaging their relationship with their mom. Eventually they got it -- it was better just to tell me whatever the situation was and, after I got over being pissed, we'd figure out some logical consequences and move on down the road with minimal guilt and drama.

[Michigan Girl]

Trust issue seems a bigger deal than the actual offense. Spent a LOT of time working on this one with my three guys -- getting them to understand that love and trust are two sides of the same coin & that they didn't get to lie and sneak around without damaging their relationship with their mom. Eventually they got it -- it was better just to tell me whatever the situation was and, after I got over being pissed, we'd figure out some logical consequences and move on down the road with minimal guilt and drama.

Great Lesson, Doc.....gonna be some lucky girls in their futures who'll be thanking you!!! :wink:

PS~ Ari.....sounds like your niece is helping to prepare you for future momhood!!! I am sorry she betrayed your trust!!!

[Arianddu]

Well, she woke me up at 5 am (grr!) to apologise, all contrite and blotchy-eyed. We've agreed she'll email all the moderators of the sites she joined to inform them she is underage, apologise and let them call the shot if she stays or goes. I don't see there's much point in doing much more than that; in a few weeks time she will have access to the University computer rooms and they don't block chat rooms or forum boards, so if she wants to be there, she will be. At least this way, I know something about where she goes and they know her age! And we had a long talk about safety issues, and the problems associated with lying about her age on-line. I'm not sure if it's fully sunk in; I guess some things you need to learn the hard way.

Then we had the big talk about trust issues, etc. I asked her why she did it and got the teary 'I don't know' response that I seem to remember coming out of my own mouth a lot at that age. She knows she screwed up big time and is feeling as guilty as all hell. We talked about what she's going to have to do to re-establish the trust, and also about how living with me isn't going to be the same as visiting for a weekend. The big one was I told her if she was going to stay with me, she has to tell her parents what she's done. Tears and begging me not to make her at first, but I explained to her that I am not prepared to lie to her mother, directly or by default, and she seems to have accepted that. So this evening we'll see how that pans out.

And now I feel absolutely exhausted. I also have this deep need to call my mother and apologise to her again for my teenage years!

Seriously - big time kudos to you real parents. Never thought this would be so hard! But I can see why you stick with it - I love this kid dearly and she's worth it (and she's offered to do extra chores while she's here to make up for it, which helps )

[Duncan]

Hi Arianddu, I don't have kids, so I'm not qualified to talk on this subject but I think you handled this really well. Sounds like it's red wine time. What time is it over there?

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Now playing: Steel Breeze - Never Again

[SherriBerry]

Good for you Ari, I'm glad things have worked out so well! I agree with Duncan - you handled this really well and I think your niece is lucky to have such a wonderful aunt. She sounds like a pretty good kid too.

[squirt1]

Ari- I had 2 girls & 2 boys. Only one boy was a problem & it was hell sometimes. I imagine if you did not actually raise her that you have much to correct. She was probably allowed to call her own shots. I made mine get jobs at 15 and the rest of the day was supper and homework. Now the youngest is 26 and it was worth it ! Hang in there !

[Deb]

My daughter is 18 now and we never really had any problems with her. The best advise I ever got was........to pick your battles. Don't go off on the little stuff. And to make sure they know (especially daughters) they can talk to you about anything even if they think you won't want to hear it or will get mad. I've had to take a few deep breaths on a few things she has told me over the years.......but she feels absolutely secure in telling me anything.