OT: Control issues

[annpea]

I sometimes want to have too much control over the lives of my adult children... I find myself at times trying to tell them what to think, feel and do, because it's the way I want things to be... deep down inside i know I should let go and let them live their own lives, and really the things they do, aren't dangerous or harmful so why am I always trying to control their actions? maybe I should let go and let them enjoy their lives come what may.

[Rick]

I sometimes want to have too much control over the lives of my adult children... I find myself at times trying to tell them what to think, feel and do, because it's the way I want things to be... deep down inside i know I should let go and let them live their own lives, and really the things they do, aren't dangerous or harmful so why am I always trying to control their actions? maybe I should let go and let them enjoy their lives come what may.

You do that because you love them, and that's very admirable. But since they're adults, if you don't ease up, they may resent you for it, and even avoid you because of it. Let them be who they are, and love them for that. You will find that you'll have a much better relationship with them as a result. Those are my thoughts anyway.

[Babyblue]

I sometimes want to have too much control over the lives of my adult children... I find myself at times trying to tell them what to think, feel and do, because it's the way I want things to be... deep down inside i know I should let go and let them live their own lives, and really the things they do, aren't dangerous or harmful so why am I always trying to control their actions? maybe I should let go and let them enjoy their lives come what may.

You do that because you love them, and that's very admirable. But since they're adults, if you don't ease up, they may resent you for it, and even avoid you because of it. Let them be who they are, and love them for that. You will find that you'll have a much better relationship with them as a result. Those are my thoughts anyway.

That was great thinking Rick.

[annpea]

I sometimes want to have too much control over the lives of my adult children... I find myself at times trying to tell them what to think, feel and do, because it's the way I want things to be... deep down inside i know I should let go and let them live their own lives, and really the things they do, aren't dangerous or harmful so why am I always trying to control their actions? maybe I should let go and let them enjoy their lives come what may.

You do that because you love them, and that's very admirable. But since they're adults, if you don't ease up, they may resent you for it, and even avoid you because of it. Let them be who they are, and love them for that. You will find that you'll have a much better relationship with them as a result. Those are my thoughts anyway.

I'm going to make an huge effort to change from this day on... yes I am, if they're not bleeding from both ears i'm not going to try and tell them crap about how to live their lives... I really believe I'll find more peace in my own life by doing that... thanks Rick you're a winner.

[Suzanne]

I did at work because SOMEONE had to be and as the office manager, I was supposed to be to some degree but I found I had to be mommy to five grown men and well, that made me want to vomit so I gave up and took the "I don't care" attitude that everyone else has. Made it much less stressful around here for me.

[escapefan]

I did at work because SOMEONE had to be and as the office manager, I was supposed to be to some degree but I found I had to be mommy to five grown men and well, that made me want to vomit so I gave up and took the "I don't care" attitude that everyone else has. Made it much less stressful around here for me.

Had to learn the same lesson at work too. You are right. It does make for a less stressful environment.. In the words of a dear friend "Let it go"..


Also had to learn the lesson with my teenager. I was such a huge control freak where she was concerned... Then I remembered how much I disliked my parents doing that to me at that age. They never learn the lesson if we don't let them make their own mistakes... Hard thing to do, but they learn the lesson. Or at least mine did.

[Suzanne]

I did at work because SOMEONE had to be and as the office manager, I was supposed to be to some degree but I found I had to be mommy to five grown men and well, that made me want to vomit so I gave up and took the "I don't care" attitude that everyone else has. Made it much less stressful around here for me.

Had to learn the same lesson at work too. You are right. It does make for a less stressful environment.. In the words of a dear friend "Let it go"..


Also had to learn the lesson with my teenager. I was such a huge control freak where she was concerned... Then I remembered how much I disliked my parents doing that to me at that age. They never learn the lesson if we don't let them make their own mistakes... Hard thing to do, but they learn the lesson. Or at least mine did.

You HAVE to. My boyfriend's grown girls are still depending on him for things that their husbands should be learning to do like take care of the house, etc. He worries about them constantly and he's SO stressed out trying to be maintenance man for them and for us. I keep telling him he can't keep doing everything for them forever. (Partly his ex wife's fault for doing every little thing for them and not letting him teach them how to be grown ups) I mean the one daughter is 30 yrs old!

[Peartree12249]

I sometimes want to have too much control over the lives of my adult children... I find myself at times trying to tell them what to think, feel and do, because it's the way I want things to be... deep down inside i know I should let go and let them live their own lives, and really the things they do, aren't dangerous or harmful so why am I always trying to control their actions? maybe I should let go and let them enjoy their lives come what may.

Sometimes obsessing about what other people are doing or not doing can be a way to avoid looking at our own lives. As long as everyone else is doing it wrong (according to us) we can feel better about ourselves. I know, I've been there. I'm sure you did a great job raising your kids, now you have to let them go. In the long run you'll probably find you will have better relationships with them. If you have the urge to meddle, do something for yourself instead. Take a walk, read a book, take a bubble bath, go shopping, listen to some music, whatever makes you happy.

[JasonD]

I did at work because SOMEONE had to be and as the office manager, I was supposed to be to some degree but I found I had to be mommy to five grown men and well, that made me want to vomit so I gave up and took the "I don't care" attitude that everyone else has. Made it much less stressful around here for me.

Had to learn the same lesson at work too. You are right. It does make for a less stressful environment.. In the words of a dear friend "Let it go"..


Also had to learn the lesson with my teenager. I was such a huge control freak where she was concerned... Then I remembered how much I disliked my parents doing that to me at that age. They never learn the lesson if we don't let them make their own mistakes... Hard thing to do, but they learn the lesson. Or at least mine did.

You HAVE to. My boyfriend's grown girls are still depending on him for things that their husbands should be learning to do like take care of the house, etc. He worries about them constantly and he's SO stressed out trying to be maintenance man for them and for us. I keep telling him he can't keep doing everything for them forever. (Partly his ex wife's fault for doing every little thing for them and not letting him teach them how to be grown ups) I mean the one daughter is 30 yrs old!

I'm certainly not trying to micro-manage here, Suzanne, but why not nudge your boyfriend into teaching his grown girls how to light their own pilot light or change a furnace filter or whatever it is he's been doing for them?

Also, I agree with Rick's earlier comment where he said he had to learn to let his adult children do things for themselves b/c it makes for a better relationship between them. Heck, my mom would still brush my hair & tie my shoes if I didn't intervene. I'm her baby & she has a problem letting go. I love her b/c she's the best mom a guy could ever ask for, but she worries about me living alone b/c she says it's "too soon." I'm 31 years old !!!!! She wants me to move back home. I hear that alot. How many moms are trying to get their adult children to move back home, I wonder? Most of them are trying to get them to move out of the house.

[artist4perry]

You raised them as best as you can, now you have to hope your good advice will take, and if not let them discover some things on their own. I know how you feel, I have a 20 year old daughter and son in law. But it is their time to discover things on their own. I figure if they want my advice they will ask, till then I have to hope I instilled a good foundation when she was a girl.

[SP Fan in Oregon]

I have a hard time keeping my own life under control, let alone having to worry about raising kids and keeping their lives under control.
I don't know how you moms do what you do. But, you are amazing that you can juggle so many things.

[Suzanne]

I did at work because SOMEONE had to be and as the office manager, I was supposed to be to some degree but I found I had to be mommy to five grown men and well, that made me want to vomit so I gave up and took the "I don't care" attitude that everyone else has. Made it much less stressful around here for me.

Had to learn the same lesson at work too. You are right. It does make for a less stressful environment.. In the words of a dear friend "Let it go"..


Also had to learn the lesson with my teenager. I was such a huge control freak where she was concerned... Then I remembered how much I disliked my parents doing that to me at that age. They never learn the lesson if we don't let them make their own mistakes... Hard thing to do, but they learn the lesson. Or at least mine did.

You HAVE to. My boyfriend's grown girls are still depending on him for things that their husbands should be learning to do like take care of the house, etc. He worries about them constantly and he's SO stressed out trying to be maintenance man for them and for us. I keep telling him he can't keep doing everything for them forever. (Partly his ex wife's fault for doing every little thing for them and not letting him teach them how to be grown ups) I mean the one daughter is 30 yrs old!

I'm certainly not trying to micro-manage here, Suzanne, but why not nudge your boyfriend into teaching his grown girls how to light their own pilot light or change a furnace filter or whatever it is he's been doing for them?

Also, I agree with Rick's earlier comment where he said he had to learn to let his adult children do things for themselves b/c it makes for a better relationship between them. Heck, my mom would still brush my hair & tie my shoes if I didn't intervene. I'm her baby & she has a problem letting go. I love her b/c she's the best mom a guy could ever ask for, but she worries about me living alone b/c she says it's "too soon." I'm 31 years old !!!!! She wants me to move back home. I hear that alot. How many moms are trying to get their adult children to move back home, I wonder? Most of them are trying to get them to move out of the house.

Believe me, he tried. He tried to teach the girls to be self sufficient but mommy wouldn't have it and told him SHE would do it. Whenever he tried to get them to clean their room so you could get one foot in the door, mommy stepped in and said to leave them alone. As a result, both girls are complete slobs, their hubbies do the house work if they want to live in a clean house with clean clothes and they don't know how to even check the furnace filters, etc. Simple things people with a house should know. Their hubbies are "computer guys" so THEY don't know how to do simple things around the house maintenance-wise. When I was married, I didn't call Daddy to come fix things because my hubby didn't know how (and also wasn't ever there) I called Daddy and said, "Come show me how to fix this so I will know next time." When I divorced, I was able to live on my own for well over a decade by myself and function like an adult thanks to my dad and mom not doing everything for me. (Even though my dad WANTED to just fix it for me but that's just a dad, ha ha) My guy now does the same thing. "Here, hon, let me do that" That's just the way he was raised. I'm very thankful for it but I'm thankful I could fix things if I needed to.