Avatar -- best review I've read on this...

[Playitloudforme]

http://www.cracked.com/article/240_avat ... -worth-it/

Avatar' Is Horribly Written, Way Too Long, Totally Worth It
By Bobby "Fatboy" Roberts Dec 12, 2009 58,577 views

I'm Going to See Avatar . What do I need to know?

#1. The movie is almost 3 hours, so if 3D makes you want to yack, bring a paper bag. Or go see it in 2D, where you won't have the benefit of the guy next to you going "My god, it's full of stars" to distract you from the basic plot and the really, REALLY shitty dialog (This is the man who wrote all of Edward Furlong's snappy slang in Terminator 2 after all).

#2. Get thee from the theater once the end credits start to roll, because the song that plays over them is dogshit and will damage your ears irreparably.

#3. If Discovery Channel documentaries like Walking With Dinosaurs and Planet Earth don't float your boat, the first 90 minutes of Avatar is going to bore the hell out of you.

Uh... what? Discovery Channel?

Yeah. Even after a decade trapped in a metal bubble filming starfish in IMAX, Cameron hasn't exactly gotten that documentary jones out of his system, and the first half of Avatar is basically a 90 minute travelogue. Granted, he's taking you on a tour of a completely imaginary, mindbendingly beautiful world, but nonetheless, the first hour of the film feels less like a narrative and more like a turbocharged episode of Meerkat Manor.

So, he finally did it. The King of the World finally fell on his face?

Nope! I'm not going to call it a "Game-Changer" like so many critics have, since pop-culture analysis shouldn't include phrases Herm Edwards would use. But there is more than a kernel of truth to the notion that Cameron has once again advanced the art of visual effects way beyond what people previously thought possible. And the episode of Meerkat Manor that he shot with this technology is a damned good one. Dry, but engrossing enough to get you through to the moment where the kitty people have sex--

Oh god...

--and then the film becomes a bugfuck-insane adaptation of Dances With Wolves.

OK, you're fucking with me, right?

Again, no. The plot goes like this: Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) is a dumb, crippled jarhead. He is unfit for the task he is inheriting from his recently deceased older brother; Working with a team of scientists on the surface of the planet Pandora to harvest a very valuable metal called Unobtanium (Yeah, just wait it gets worse ...). The natives on this planet are the Na'vi, (... not yet ...) affectionately referred to as "Thundersmurfs" by the internet intelligentsia, a 9 foot tall cat people with a deep, spiritual connection to nature. Since James Cameron is writing this, it's a literal connection - there are fiber optic looking threads that stick out of their cat ponytails that can connect with trees, plants, and the six-legged wildlife of Pandora.

Jake is asked to infiltrate the tribe living in a giant tree directly above their Unobtanium haul.

Jake is more than happy to do so, mostly because he's a dumbass, but also because it means he gets to inhabit an Avatar: A cloned body of a Na'vi that he can operate from inside a tanning bed.

While Jake's in the jungles of Pandora, a giant space-panther almost eats him, but he's saved by a Na'vi girl named Ney'tiri ...

Oh Goddamnit, when will somebody stop letting James Cameron make up words?

Not this year, apparently. Anyways, Ney-tiri also happens to be a princess. Jake, now with the use of his legs and literal pussy to chase, goes native, undergoing the trials of Na'vi warriorhood and falling in love.

This is not appreciated by the company's military leader, a man so masculine that just looking at him makes Nick Fury's third eye cry. Commander McBadass is basically itching for an excuse to wipe these cats from the planet with massive gunships and gun-toting, knife wielding mechwarriors. There is tragedy, there is victory, there is aforementioned kitty-sex and noble sacrifice and important lessons learned about protecting the environment and respecting other cultures that won't in any way be used as a brickbat to score political points on some blowhard AM talk-show.

Fuck politics. Does shit get blowed up good or what?

And how, motherfucker. And how.

Unfortunately, before that happens, you're asked to buy into the romancing of Ney'tiri. It's the Titanic plan all over again - the guys will get their action and their spectacle, but they've gotta finish all of the romance on their plate first. Avatar's probably worse than Titanic on this note, and that's saying something considering what a slog the first 90 minutes of Titanic was.

But at least I'm not just staring at girls in corsets crying on a boat right?

Right. You're staring at some the best CGI ever seen on screen, period. I never quite bought the Na'vi, mostly because of their goofy design, but the uncanny valley that plagues Zemeckis' creepy cybercreatures is nowhere to be found here. These are amazingly, realistically expressive 9 foot tall Cat Warriors. The (unearned and forced) emotion Cameron asks the audience to feel for these natives is there on their faces, in their body language, in a way not seen since Gollum had a bitch session on a tree stump in 2002. This is Cameron's head, emptied onto the screen with more love and care than he's shown to any of his previous films.

So I'm watching James Cameron's brain explode for 3 hours?

Exactly. 2009 has been a year of oddly personal directorial statements across the board. Fantastic Mr. Fox nicely summarized everything that makes Wes Anderson what he is as a director, as was the Coen Bros A Serious Man, and for better or worse, Michael Bay's Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. For all the faults that Avatar displays, and it displays a lot of them, there's something charming about Cameron excitedly showing off every last personal kink, tweak and obsession that pops his geek boner.

He's like an eager 12 year old genius, gushing about his science project. The storytelling is basically Dune, Lord of the Rings and Star Wars badly glued together, but it almost doesn't matter because he believes so hard in this earnestly silly pastiche, that it's a little adorable. It never means as much as he thinks it does when he starts killing his playthings and setting their world on fire, but it's a marvel nonetheless.

Just tell me if Cameron remembers how to do an action sequence.

Dude.

DUDE.

HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.

That good?

For all the things Cameron has done onscreen to write and rewrite the modern action sequence time and again in Terminator, and then ALIENS, and then T2, and then True Lies, until the last 40 minutes of Avatar, there's never been a James Cameron aerial battle, all swooping and banking and pew-pew in grand Lucasian style circa 1977. And then he does it, and it is fucking glorious to behold. It's the opening of Revenge of the Sith, and the end of Return of the Jedi, and the powersuit fight from ALIENS and the battle for the bridge in Saving Private Ryan, as seamless as the love story is not, using the best special effects ever.

So it's worth it, then.

Your enjoyment of that last 40 minutes will depend on how much of the preceding 2 hours of shoddy storytelling, dialog, and characterization you want to hold against Cameron. Either you'll be carried away by the man's technical skill and naked enthusiasm to show you probably the most personal thing he's ever created, or you'll fidget uncomfortably and fight down inappropriate snickers. But he will grab you in that last 40, and he will remind you that yeah, he's been away for awhile, and he may not have ever been the King of the World, but when he wants to, he will kick any other director's ass at the art of ass kicking.

[Sarah]

I'm all over this movie, the plot sounds thin, but the effects do seem like the best yet (though not "omg you won't even know what's cgi" like Cameron keeps saying)

I'm seeing a midnight screening on Thursday night.

[Playitloudforme]

I'm doing the same. IMAX at the Space Needle. Bring it.

[brywool]

when I saw the original previews, I thought it looked terrible.
now, it looks like something to see.

Of course, I'm old enough to remember the hype being 2001, Close Encounters, ET, Star Wars (any of them)... and they all blew.

[Playitloudforme]

Story line ... been there done that. Visuals were frickin' brilliant, especially on an IMAX screen in 3-D -- on film, not digital. Got one hours' sleep... walking zombie this morning, but oh so worth it!

[S2M]

I'm sure it is better than the last 5 Harry Potter disasters! Are you sure Rowling isn't one of the writers for 'Lost'?

These movies don't make sense......plus, she steals concepts from every other fantasy writer.

In won't go see Avatar, but I'll rent it......

[kgdjpubs]

absolutely horribly-written review that sounds like it was written by someone who is 12 years old trying to act tough. Quite amazing. I guess anyone can publish themselves on the internet now. I think proper journalism is dead and buried.

That said, James Cameron doesn't make bad films, and even the lesser efforts (ie True Lies) are pretty enjoyable. I'm not expecting any revolution of the motion picture, but it should be a fun action romp with touches of sci-fi, and some pretty impressive effects and action sequences. There haven't been many (any?) great action films this year, so this should be a welcome change. Nice to have Cameron back at any rate--he does his own thing, and does it well. Maybe it won't take 12 years for the next film.

[Playitloudforme]

While it will still be visually stunning, it will lose a lot in the translation from 3-d to 2-d. Cameron really improved the process.

and Kdg... the review was done on Cracked.Com, which is a joke/humor website, not comingsoon.net. Think of it like the Onion. All bent on humor.

[The_Noble_Cause]

I'm sure it is better than the last 5 Harry Potter disasters! Are you sure Rowling isn't one of the writers for 'Lost'?

These movies don't make sense......plus, she steals concepts from every other fantasy writer.

In won't go see Avatar, but I'll rent it......

Speaking of plagarists, James Cameron was accused of ripping off sci-fi author Harlan Ellison for "The Terminator", and the studio eventually settled.
Now there's rumors that Avatar bears a slightly-too-similar likeness to another old sci-fi novel.
Cameron is the best action director alive today.
Derivative or not, I can't wait to see this.

http://www.slashfilm.com/2009/10/26/is- ... son-story/

[kgdjpubs]

While it will still be visually stunning, it will lose a lot in the translation from 3-d to 2-d. Cameron really improved the process.

From what it sounds like, Cameron might be the first to actually use 3-D to the benefit of the medium as opposed to just a gimmick. If done well (and the technology is there--which it appears it is), it can improve a movie. That said, a bad movie in 2-D will still be a bad movie in 3-D, and the 3-D will not help anything. You still have to have the good movie, which is a fact that Roland Emmerich hasn't realized yet.

I agree that it will lose a lot in the translation. The general public is not going to like another film format being forced on them though, and 3-D may be the death of blu-ray. We shall see.

and Kdg... the review was done on Cracked.Com, which is a joke/humor website, not comingsoon.net. Think of it like the Onion. All bent on humor.

I know the intent. The thing is, humor and good writing skills can go together. You can have both. Maybe it comes from having a Mom who was an English major, but poor, and even atrocious, grammar tends to really get on my nerves. You don't have to be able to write for publication in the New York Times, but a minimum standard of professionalism is expected. Obviously, my minimum level is too high.

[RedWingFan]

Got my Imax tickets for tomorrow.

[ProgRocker53]

AMAZING movie.

Yeah, it may not be the most original idea. Sure, there are the occasional plotholes and cliches.

BUT..

the amount of money, heart, effort, and creativity put into this movie SHOWS.

This is an extraordinary movie, it didn't seem too long at all, I could "feel" the characters... it truly was powerful.

I'd recommend it to ANYONE.

[treetopovskaya]

can't wait! }=C))

[RedWingFan]

AMAZING movie.

Yeah, it may not be the most original idea. Sure, there are the occasional plotholes and cliches.

BUT..

the amount of money, heart, effort, and creativity put into this movie SHOWS.

This is an extraordinary movie, it didn't seem too long at all, I could "feel" the characters... it truly was powerful.

I'd recommend it to ANYONE.

I agree. It was a pretty amazing experience. You really need to see this movie in the theater. As for all the claims of people getting sick, my wife gets as motionsick as anyone and she was fine watching it.

[SultanOfSwing]

I've seen it over the weekend. Great movie and I'll include this movie on my top 10 movies of all time. CGI is so amazing and unbelievable. If somebody is planning to watch it, I highly recommend to see it on IMAX 3D. 5*****.

[verslibre]

Saw the movie.


* * * SPOILERS * * *


I don't see what some of you are splooging over. The wholesale Dean lifts have been yakked about ad infinitum (and I do agree), so I'll pass by that issue. What does Avatar have for us? Just another predictable by-the-numbers linear plot/storyline. Dialogue that at times is so lame, I'm convinced G. Luca$ ghost-wrote it for James ("This is OUR land!!"). The only performance I'd wager is "memorable" would be Stephen Lang's, as the asshole colonel. And Michelle Rodriguez is hawtness. I could watch her all day.

I ne'er woulda guessed that an alien race could have so much in common with Native Americans, down to fuk'n bows & arrows and mohawks. I mean, Wes Studi even voiced the patriarch! (And whose idea was it to have the Na'vi charge head-on against superior weaponry in the climactic battle?)

What prevents me from labelling this expensive flick as a "fun, popcorn movie" — in spite of some very nice visual imagery — is that Cameron shamelessly recycles his own shit so much — just like that other mega-rich director I just referenced — I can't help but pick it apart. Giovanni Ribisi's annoying opportunistic yuppie. Now where have I seen that before? Marines and "mandroids" from Aliens. Those little wispy "spirits" that looked awfully reminiscent of some undersea lifeform(s) in The Abyss. Etcetera, etcetera. What also stood out was that no bones was made about Pandora's atmosphere/environment being hostile/lethal to human life. So why even have marines on the ground to chaperone a ginormous 'dozer? Guys in gunships don't get their scrots chomped off by ferocious dog-panthers. (Panthogs? Dogthers?) They might have to watch out for that cool-looking orangey dragon, though.

The final aerial battle at the end is supposed to be "amazing," but it was anything but. It had potential, but it didn't deliver. And the deus ex machina ending wasn't obvious enough for Cameron, so he made sure we'd know about it by having Sully "pray" to Eywa beforehand.

I'm just glad that my ticket was paid for by somebody else.