:
:
Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything.
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.
Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
A: He's breathing.
Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Bonds mature.
Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What do men and beer bottles have in common?
A: They are both empty from the neck up.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: Nobody knows because it's never happened.
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the ones left over are handicapped.
Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.
Q: What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A: A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
Q: What's the difference between a man and a catfish?
A: One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q: What did God say after creating Adam?
A: I can do better.
Q: What did God say after creating Eve?
A: Practice makes perfect.
Q: What do you have when you have two balls in your hands?
A: A man's undivided attention.
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.
Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.
Q: Why do men name their penises?
A: Because they want to be on a first name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, well-groomed and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
(This one she highlighted.)
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They don't stop and ask for directions.
Q: Why do men like masturbation?
A: It's sex with someone they love.
Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: His hand caught fire.
Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.
Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and “Filthy, But Wearable"
Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it."
Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"
:
:
:
I gotta admit..... the one about Pinocchio cracked me up. Actually, a lot of them did. I know my ex sent this to piss me off b/c this was our first Valentines Day apart in eight years, but she’s forgetting that most of the above doesn’t apply to me. I’m not perfect, but I was a good boyfriend. Shoot—I did more housework & diaper changes than she did, so I’m not affected by what she wrote? Funny stuff, though, so I thought I’d share it here!!!
..........not even going to ask?! 
