Have You Ever Tried To Change Someone?

[Voyager]

I recently observed a friend of mine getting all over his wife for being a slob. He even wrote a big rant online about it, and she read it. Now they won't even speak to each other.

One thing I have learned the hard way in life is that you can never change someone. You have to either accept them even if they are a slob, or else just leave them. Shaming someone for their personality flaws will only make things worse, and only serves to make the person despise you.

One of my daughters is sloppy, and my wife gets all over her for it (and she gets pissed at me when I intervene to bring calm). But my other daughter is very clean and organized - and the two were both raised the same way. That is why I say it is built-in to your personality whether you are clean or messy. The clean person cannot fathom why on earth someone would want to live in such an ungodly mess, and the messy person cannot understand why they have a problem with it.

Acceptance and tolerance can go a long way to help manage and reduce your own stress levels. Once it doesn't bother you anymore, you will find peace. It's called "loving what is". You can't change 'em, so either love 'em or leave 'em.

[Arianddu]

Yep, never understood why people 'fall in love' with someone, then set out to change them.

One small thing though - clean is not the same thing as tidy. I'm a messy person, but my house is clean. I know (and have lived with) people who are very tidy, but their houses are filthy because they never actually clean anything.

[The Sushi Hunter]

Yep, never understood why people 'fall in love' with someone, then set out to change them.

One small thing though - clean is not the same thing as tidy. I'm a messy person, but my house is clean. I know (and have lived with) people who are very tidy, but their houses are filthy because they never actually clean anything.

I've never had a girlfriend in my life who didn't want to change something about me. That's just the way it is. When I got married, out came the laundry list.....No complaints or regrets though.

[bluejeangirl76]

Yep, never understood why people 'fall in love' with someone, then set out to change them.

One small thing though - clean is not the same thing as tidy. I'm a messy person, but my house is clean. I know (and have lived with) people who are very tidy, but their houses are filthy because they never actually clean anything.

I've never had a girlfriend in my life who didn't want to change something about me. That's just the way it is. When I got married, out came the laundry list.....No complaints or regrets though.

well, it's called compromise. you have to realize that some things about someone can be changed and some never can. if you care about the person and the relationship enough, you'll get rid of the things (within reason) that really bother them, and you will adjust to the ones that are less of a big deal. Example: I don't like dogs, but I'd never expect someone to get rid of their pet.

I quit smoking for someone once because I knew that was gonna be a deal breaker in the long run - it's gross and unhealthy anyway, so I can't say I totally did it for them, but I certainly pushed up the process. Didn't matter, the jerk dumped me anyway. But hey I'm saving money.

Point is, people can and will change if the other person is important enough to them, and the issue at hand is reasonable enough.

[steveo777]

If someone were to rummage through my mess I would no longer know exactly where everything is.

I hate filth, but I'm not very tidy.

[Everett]

my ex tried to change me idk why. I'm a joker that's what i do

Just ask babyblue

[Everett]

If someone were to rummage through my mess I would no longer know exactly where everything is.

I hate filth, but I'm not very tidy.

Are you sure were not related???

[The Sushi Hunter]

Yep, never understood why people 'fall in love' with someone, then set out to change them.

One small thing though - clean is not the same thing as tidy. I'm a messy person, but my house is clean. I know (and have lived with) people who are very tidy, but their houses are filthy because they never actually clean anything.

I've never had a girlfriend in my life who didn't want to change something about me. That's just the way it is. When I got married, out came the laundry list.....No complaints or regrets though.

well, it's called compromise. you have to realize that some things about someone can be changed and some never can. if you care about the person and the relationship enough, you'll get rid of the things (within reason) that really bother them. Example: I don't like dogs, but I'd never expect someone to get rid of their pet.

I quit smoking for someone once because I knew that was gonna be a deal breaker in the long run - it's gross and unhealthy anyway, so I can't say I totally did it for them, but I certainly pushed up the process. Didn't matter, the jerk dumped me anyway. But hey I'm saving money.

Point is, people can and will change if the other person is important enough to them, and the issue at hand is reasonable enough.

Compromise is what my wife and I have in regards to making future plans and activities on a daily basis. Now the other stuff like habits and interests, only the person themselves can change most of those thing only if THEY want to change them for themselves. If a person is forced into a change by the other person, that will tend to build up resentment.

[steveo777]

I've found I can temporarily change to get something I want. When I first met my wife, she didn't know I smoked. I never smoked in front of her until we'd dated several times. She'd always tell me how happy she was that she finally met a guy who didn't smoke. One night after dinner I let her off the hook and lit up and said sorry, but I can no longer hide who I am and what I do.

She'd been after me for years to quit, but I didn't want to. When I decided I was ready to quit I did. That was 5 months ago. The reason I have been successful in quitting is because I really wanted to quit on my own, not because someone else wanted me to. Same goes with drinking or any other habit.

[Everett]

I've found I can temporarily change to get something I want. When I first met my wife, she didn't know I smoked. I never smoked in front of her until we'd dated several times. She'd always tell me how happy she was that she finally met a guy who didn't smoke. One night after dinner I let her off the hook and lit up and said sorry, but I can no longer hide who I am and what I do.

She'd been after me for years to quit, but I didn't want to. When I decided I was ready to quit I did. That was 5 months ago. The reason I have been successful in quitting is because I really wanted to quit on my own, not because someone else wanted me to. Same goes with drinking or any other habit.

Has she forced you to stop the mr habit yet???

[bluejeangirl76]

She'd been after me for years to quit, but I didn't want to. When I decided I was ready to quit I did. That was 5 months ago. The reason I have been successful in quitting is because I really wanted to quit on my own, not because someone else wanted me to. Same goes with drinking or any other habit.

Right. Same. I think that I chose which thing was more important and that put me closer toward doing it on my own time.

[The Sushi Hunter]

I've found I can temporarily change to get something I want. When I first met my wife, she didn't know I smoked. I never smoked in front of her until we'd dated several times. She'd always tell me how happy she was that she finally met a guy who didn't smoke. One night after dinner I let her off the hook and lit up and said sorry, but I can no longer hide who I am and what I do.

She'd been after me for years to quit, but I didn't want to. When I decided I was ready to quit I did. That was 5 months ago. The reason I have been successful in quitting is because I really wanted to quit on my own, not because someone else wanted me to. Same goes with drinking or any other habit.

Seriously I think your wife was two steps ahead of you on the smoking deal because a non-smoker can smell cigarette smoke very easily, even if you've not smoked in an hour, the smell is still in your hair, clothes, breath and on your skin. I can smell a burning cigarette from hundreds of feet away if the wind is right, and women have a better sense of smell then men, so......

I'm sure your wife told you that little bit about finding a guy who doesn't smoke because she wanted to see your reaction and, wanted to let you know it meant a lot to her that you don't smoke.

I could be wrong, but this is where the smart money is bet.

[mikemarrs]

anyone here ever live with someone who is bi-polar or manic depressive.the person would be very sweet most of the time but once every blue moon the person would do something really crazy or off the wall that would leave you scratching your head or wondering why they did something awful for no reason out of the blue?

[stevew2]

You cant, it doesn't work,the ex tried that shit on me for over 20 years,the only thing that changed is that i moved out,and thats the only change that worked

[Michigan Girl]

Yes, that's what you do when you love someone ... try to make them better!!

[The Sushi Hunter]

anyone here ever live with someone who is bi-polar or manic depressive.the person would be very sweet most of the time but once every blue moon the person would do something really crazy or off the wall that would leave you scratching your head or wondering why they did something awful for no reason out of the blue?

No but I've heard some friggin horror stories from people who have. Looking back after hearing of these stories, I can see that I've probably dated at least two chicks who could have been bi-polar. The two chicks I dated a long time ago were both Vietnamese so I think that fact makes it more then just a coincidence, I'm thinking root cause could be linked to agent orange, they both were born in Vietnam in the mid to late 70's.

[Ehwmatt]

Don't fuck with me and what I like, I won't fuck with you and what you like.

[T-Bone]

I don't buy into the Clean/Tidy/Slob thing at all. I think it all falls back onto being lazy or selfish. My ex fiance was an absolute pig to live with unless it related to her looks. She always looked fantastic, but wouldn't lift a finger to do a damn thing around the house unless it pertained to or benefitted her in some way. When it was time to clean something, she would develop some sort of sickness or tired streak. I'd wait 5-10 minutes and say I was going to go out to the store to do some shopping, and all-of-a-sudden, she'd have her shoes on and ready to go. On the flip side, she put in 110% at her jobs and was always a top employee. Needless to say, it was the root cause of why we broke up both times. (we were engaged 2 different times)

Years later, we are still best of friends because we don't have to live together, but she got herself a boot to the head somewhere along the line and finally realized she has more money in her pockets and in the bank when she takes care of the things she buys ONCE rather than having to repeatedly replace her outfits, spoiled food, stained furniture, etc... 10-15 minutes a day of keeping up after yourself sure beats spending 2-5 hours on a weekend having to do it all at once. She has her own house now and the place is pretty damn clean all the time.

[Marabelle]

Hope is eternal but sometimes unrealistic.

[artist4perry]

I recently observed a friend of mine getting all over his wife for being a slob. He even wrote a big rant online about it, and she read it. Now they won't even speak to each other.

One thing I have learned the hard way in life is that you can never change someone. You have to either accept them even if they are a slob, or else just leave them. Shaming someone for their personality flaws will only make things worse, and only serves to make the person despise you.

One of my daughters is sloppy, and my wife gets all over her for it (and she gets pissed at me when I intervene to bring calm). But my other daughter is very clean and organized - and the two were both raised the same way. That is why I say it is built-in to your personality whether you are clean or messy. The clean person cannot fathom why on earth someone would want to live in such an ungodly mess, and the messy person cannot understand why they have a problem with it.

Acceptance and tolerance can go a long way to help manage and reduce your own stress levels. Once it doesn't bother you anymore, you will find peace. It's called "loving what is". You can't change 'em, so either love 'em or leave 'em.

Vger I was going to ask you to change your underwear, but if your happy in your grimey dungeries more power to you!

[Rip Rokken]

I've probably dated at least two chicks who could have been bi-polar. The two chicks I dated a long time ago were both Vietnamese so I think that fact makes it more then just a coincidence, I'm thinking root cause could be linked to agent orange, they both were born in Vietnam in the mid to late 70's.

Orange you glad you didn't marry either of them?

[Rip Rokken]

Nobody should try to change anyone's core being, that's for sure. Goes both ways of course, but I get irritated when women insist on going for "bad boy" types, then gripe when they can't turn them into Mr. Mom.

I do think that despite a couple's differences, they can at least learn to be considerate of the other's feelings, especially when the things you do piss the other off. When you're running out of toilet paper, go to the damn store or at least add it to the grocery list a few days ahead of time so I can pick some up. Don't sneak in my bathroom every time and steal my roll off the holder. Make any sense?

[Voyager]

A friend of mine was dating a bipolar girl for a few years. He said she was a major drama queen, but the sex was fantastic. From what he said, she liked doing it on the 18th hole at midnight at the local golf course and would squeal like a banshee. Not to bash bipolar people, I realize it's a struggle for them. The mania part of it can obviously provide emotional climaxes that "normal" people wouldn't ever experience, but it's the low points that drive people away. Because of this, a lot of bipolar and borderline sufferers never find significant others who they can live their lives with, because their behavior is too much of a rollercoaster for most people to handle.

[Ehwmatt]

I do think that despite a couple's differences, they can at least learn to be considerate of the other's feelings, especially when the things you do piss the other off. When you're running out of toilet paper, go to the damn store or at least add it to the grocery list a few days ahead of time so I can pick some up. Don't sneak in my bathroom every time and steal my roll off the holder. Make any sense?

The thing I see happen most often in this regard, both to me personally and to my friends around me, is that they will be in a relationship for a decent amount of time (at least a year) - long enough to know the others' likes and dislikes for the most part. Then, one of them all of a sudden insists that the other stop liking to do/enjoy activities/lifestyle X, Y, Z while embracing lifestyles/activities A,B, and C that he/she has never liked.

[JH'sTXfan]

LMAO at your av, Voyager!!

Too many brewskies there.

[Jana]

Nobody should try to change anyone's core being, that's for sure. Goes both ways of course, but I get irritated when women insist on going for "bad boy" types, then gripe when they can't turn them into Mr. Mom.

I do think that despite a couple's differences, they can at least learn to be considerate of the other's feelings, especially when the things you do piss the other off. When you're running out of toilet paper, go to the damn store or at least add it to the grocery list a few days ahead of time so I can pick some up. Don't sneak in my bathroom every time and steal my roll off the holder. Make any sense?

I don't see the problem. j/k

[rockinfayrose]

“We cannot change our past. We can not change the fact that people act in a certain way. We can not change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.” - Charles R. Swindoll (American Writer and Clergyman)

"Well, nobody's perfect" - Some Like It Hot

[Babyblue]

my ex tried to change me idk why. I'm a joker that's what i do

Just ask babyblue

What am i to do with you??? Don't answer that i all ready know.

[Everett]

my ex tried to change me idk why. I'm a joker that's what i do

Just ask babyblue

What am i to do with you??? Don't answer that i all ready know.

Well is there anytime for pitty sex???

[Ehwmatt]

my ex tried to change me idk why. I'm a joker that's what i do

Just ask babyblue

What am i to do with you??? Don't answer that i all ready know.

Well is there anytime for pitty sex???

Dude how is your spelling so fucking awful?