Advice?

[Journey/Survivor]

Seven years ago my best friend Dave's sister Anne got married to a man named Ron, and they had a daughter who will soon be turning 7 years old.

I have been great friends with Dave since we were little kids, and I've known and liked his sister Anne for all of these years too, she's somewhat like a sister to me.

I have become friends with her husband Ron over the years too. As I said, I consider both Ron and Anne to be friends of mine.

Ron and Anne argue a lot, mostly over money.

Anne doesn't have a job and she spends a lot of money. I don't know exactly how much money she spends, but I am under the impression that it is way more than she should spend.

Ron has his own home repair business, so he's his own boss. He also owns a home that he rents out that he makes money off of.

Ron's not completely blameless when it comes to his and Anne's money problems. The last few years he hasn't really been very aggressive in trying to find customers for his home repair business. Instead of lowering his prices for repair work so that he'll get some business, he is always looking to make a lot of money off of each job that he does, or else he will just sit at home. So he could be making more money from his business if he tried. Another problem is that Ron has somewhat of a gambling problem. He spends way too much time and money in casinos and on lottery tickets.

Over the last 7 years it has been obvious that Anne has been determined to make sure that their daughter likes her more than she does her father. She NEVER, EVER, says no to anything the daughter wants, whereas Ron is a little more responsible than Anne is as a parent.

About two weeks ago Ron and Anne got into a huge argument over money. He either wants Anne to get a job, or to spend less money on unneeded things.

Anne decided that she was going to leave the house and go stay at her mothers house. I honestly don't know at that point if Anne intended to divorce Ron or not? Ron and Anne live within a half mile of Anne's mothers house, and so Ron decided to walk down to Anne's mothers house and take the car that Anne had driven over to her mothers house. The car was payed for by Ron, and it's in his name. He then pulled the car into the backyard of his house and locked the gate so that Anne could not get the car.

That made Anne even more angry, and now there's no question (or so she says) that she wants a divorce.

Anne has been staying at her mothers house for two weeks now. A couple of days ago Anne decided that she wanted to go over to her's and Ron's house to get some things to take with her to her mothers. When she got there she discovered that Ron had changed the houses locks. Instead of asking her brother Dave (Who is good friends with Ron) or me (Who is also friends with Ron) to go with her to the house, she decided to call the police.
So the police told Ron that he has to allow his wife into the house whenever she wants.
Ron told the police that he would let Anne back in the house whenever she wanted, but that he changed the locks because he doesn't want Anne's mother to be in his house. Ron has always felt that Anne's mother has bad mouthed him to Anne, which unfortunately, is probably true.

So as of right now Ron and Anne are planning on getting a divorce.

Anne has been talking badly about Ron in front of there 7 year old daughter. Earlier today my friend Dave and I were talking to Ron and Anne's daughter, and the daughter said that she doesn't like her father. I asked her why she doesn't like him, and she just said "I don't know, I just don't." I then told her that her father loves her (which I know that he does) and she then said "Well, I kind of like him."

It pisses me off when parents try to poison their kids against the other parent. Ron's not perfect in all of this, of course. But he also doesn't deserve to have his daughter be poisoned against him either.

In my opinion you don't get divorced because you argue. If everyone who argued got a divorce, then everyone would be divorced. And in my opinion you don't get divorced over money.

If your spouse cheats on you, or beats you, then maybe you get divorced? And I'm fairly certain that neither of those things have happened in Ron and Anne's marriage.

Anyway....

Anyone have any advice for me on what I should do, if anything?

I already told Anne that I think that she and Ron should go to marriage counseling, and I plan on saying the same thing to Ron. Anne didn't seem to have any interest in doing that.

Their both being very childish and stubborn!

If that was your marriage, and if a friend of yours gave you his opinion (even though you didn't ask for it) would you get pissed off at your friend?

[S2M]

Honestly, stay out of it. You may think you are doing the right thing by getting involved, but you would be doing a disservice. This is for them to work out, or not work out.

[slucero]

If that was your marriage, and if a friend of yours gave you his opinion (even though you didn't ask for it) would you get pissed off at your friend?

YES. I'd even tell that friend to butt the fuck out...

Honestly, stay out of it. You may think you are doing the right thing by getting involved, but you would be doing a disservice. This is for them to work out, or not work out.

+1 ....If you feel the need to "take a side"... take the kids side.. But really it's not your place to get involved... even if you are ASKED... in fact, you might consider putting some distance between you and all of them (except your friend Dave)... cause odds are they'll try to drag you into it...

[Memorex]

Best to steer clear. Be a friend as needed, but always point to the right answer and don't get muddled in the he-said/she-said. There is a right answer in all of this (don't bring the kids down, see a counselor, look at the other's side, or whatever). So when one of them needs your ear, lend it, but if they start delving into the BS, be a real friend and don't let them go there with you. If they insist, let them know you are going to have to put some distance between you and them because it's just not healthy.

People fight. People face dark days. People get over it. It just has to play it's course.

[Saint John]

I'd say that S2M, Slucero and Memorex all nailed it on the head. That's probably the best thing to do. However, *I* would offer advice. Perhaps saying something like "Don't you think the 2 of you should step back, take a deep breath and try to work this thing out for (insert 7 year old's name here) sake? Doesn't she deserve that? Perhaps the two of you need to stop thinking about yourselves all the time (gambling and shopping)? I'd also suggest that perhaps if Ron stopped gambling and Anne stopped spending that maybe, just fucking maybe, they could give their marriage a fair chance ... something they don't seem to be doing now. Hell, they might find out that they really love each other!

While silence is definitely the best route, pointing out concrete and obvious vices that these two have is probably the best thing you could do for them. I would get Dave to back you up, but he has to point out a deficiency on each side. If they hear the same thing from 2 people, it gives you a bit more veracity. Steering clear of the whole thing might be what's best for you, but it's not going to help them. They sound immature, a bit selfish and engaging in a bit of "one upmanship." But perhaps no one's ever pointed that out to them. Fuck it, man. If they all bounce you as a friend you always have us.

[Peartree12249]

Stay out of other people's marrige problems. Unless you need to protect a child that is being emotionally, physically or sexually abused, it's not your business. Unfortunately there is no test for parenthood, and some people constantly use their kids as pawns in their marital disputes. It's sad, but there is nothing you can do about it. I would distance myself from both of them to avoid getting sucked into the drama.

[Rick]

This would be the perfect opportunity to bone Anne.

[steveo777]

This would be the perfect opportunity to bone Anne.

I knew someone would come through and say this. I'm surprised it took that long. You people are slow today!

[Rick]

This would be the perfect opportunity to bone Anne.

I knew someone would come through and say this. I'm surprised it took that long. You people are slow today!

Seriously though, I think SJ is right. Stay out of it, but carefully offer some advice to take a step back and a few deep breaths.

[Journey/Survivor]

This would be the perfect opportunity to bone Anne.

No, like I said, she's like a sister to me. And she is my best friends sister. I would never go there! Not to mention that I'm also friends with her husband.

[Journey/Survivor]

Thanks, everyone, for the advice!

In my mind I know I should probably stay out of it. But in my heart I feel like I should try to talk some sense into them.

[G.I.Jim]

I didn't read all of these, but to me, the best thing you can do is just be there for them to talk to while they go through this. Just be a friend to them. The hard thing for you though, is that normally when this happens, they'll each want you to take their sides on this. I'd just try to stay neutral in it. Just my $.02. Good luck!