The Online Dating Game

[scarygirl]

It's never easy and you have to go through all the people that aren't for you, but eventually you should meet someone that you just know is right for you.

I've done the dinner dates and I must say I think it's better to meet for a drink. Something like a coffee at a nice central place to both people as a first meeting.

With relation to your employment status, I think it might matter to some more than others. In a perfect world we would all like great jobs and get paid lots of money and have free time to spare. The reality is a lot of people go from job to job and sometimes are unemployed. If your looking for a relationship, I think that comes before a persons employment status. I'd have no problem going out with a person who was unemployed. I think as the relationship built, then you might be thinking about living together or providing for one another...etc and working on how to do that.

I think a lot of mistakes people make is trying to find the perfect person or someone who is their ideal. I know I've wanted someone with this or that and then later when you meet someone you like, those things you wanted don't matter. You can still like or love a person with flaws. The main thing is finding someone on your page, that complements you and your relationship. You want someone who will give and take and be considerate to you and the relationship.

Good luck with finding someone

I met him last night. He's actually good in every way, but one. He wants kids. I had written on my profile that I would be accepting of someone with kids though I personally have none of my own.

I have no doubt he would be an excellent father. Me, an excellent mother? I am not so sure. I have always said though that If I found the right person to never say never, but as of May 20th, I will be 40. So potentially if things work out I could be looking at having a kid at age 42! (I have some credit card debt that needs to be cleaned up before I do anything). That potential kid would be 30 to my 70 something when all is said and done.

I don't know if I have the energy. It is one thing for a guy , their work is done, BAM! I would be facing child raising, working, and menopause at the same time. Worries over maybe the kid having chromosomal disorders. (I know it can happen at any age, but statistically the chances are much higher..) What if he dies early on me? Plus, the prospects of having a kid in this economy? Then there are the things it would do to my body. Maybe it is selfish, I worry that I won't recover the same body-wise as I would have in my 20s. I was reading some of the things woman experience. Facial hair? (Guys, pretend you didn't read this.) I already have some of that Do I really want to go around looking like Cousin IT into my golden years and first years of marriage? (Going to happen anyway with menopause, but I will be facing a double header. You guys might be seeing me on a Discovery Channel near you...)

I am at a loss. I have dated on and off for a while. It seems once you hit this age, men that are attracted to you for the most part fall into two categories, they are either on average ten years or more older and already have kids or they are closer to my age, and never have or are wanting kids. Men closer to my age generally go for the younger model. Granted there have been a few here and there in my age range that have kids and don't want anymore, or just don't any any. Problem is I don't find myself attracted those, or worry about issues with the ex-wife and their kids, not having money because they have to take care of the last kids.... And I FULLY expect them to. I would never date/marry a guy who has abandoned his kids!!!! Just saying it makes things more complicated.

So has anyone here raised, had a first kid, had additional kids in their 40s? What has it been like don't want to let go of a potential match out of fear of the unknown.

[RPM]

If indeed this guy is the one, what about the option of adoption?
May not be exactly what he had in mind, but raising a child isnt what you had in mind either.
You have valid concerns about how you feel about childbirth at this stage, he should respect that.

[scarygirl]

If indeed this guy is the one, what about the option of adoption?
May not be exactly what he had in mind, but raising a child isnt what you had in mind either.
You have valid concerns about how you feel about childbirth at this stage, he should respect that.

I wouldn't mind adopting. Don't know if they will adopt to older couples???? You know I see little kids, toddlers and such, just starting out in elementary school, and I think, I could handle that.... Starting from scratch, I am not so sure.

[The Sushi Hunter]

I have found that women in sales careers are hugely aggressive, usually asking me out first.
There appear to be not a lot of 'good' guys out there, according to friends that are women
One woman showed me pics of her breasts on her phone within 15 minutes of our meeting
Another told me after just a few minutes how she walked in on her (now ex-) husband doing his secretary, who was a screamer
One woman friend told me about a guy she dated who, after having sex with her 5 times in one night, she found a couple hours later at his computer beating off to online porn wearing a surgical glove

This shows that there are a lot of lonely hosed up people out there. Hugely aggressive, women who show pix of their breasts 15 minutes after meeting and talking about the husband doing secretary only a few minutes after meeting all are huge turn-off to me. It's no wonder they are still single or in the "dating" scene.

As for that last one 5 times in one night and later on that same night with the glove, one word: Meth. There isn't enough hours in one night for five screws and then a couple hours later doing that wackjob shit, unless he's on meth and "rabbit fucking" her.

[RPM]

If indeed this guy is the one, what about the option of adoption?
May not be exactly what he had in mind, but raising a child isnt what you had in mind either.
You have valid concerns about how you feel about childbirth at this stage, he should respect that.

I wouldn't mind adopting. Don't know if they will adopt to older couples???? You know I see little kids, toddlers and such, just starting out in elementary school, and I think, I could handle that.... Starting from scratch, I am not so sure.

Women in my family tend to have bladder issues after popping a kid. Sorry , if TMI. My mother and her mother both suffer from prolapsed uterus, that is basically where your uterus is just hanging down like it is trying to come out. It is awful. Granted she has had two children to my 0, but it is also hereditary. My mom has had two surgeries so far trying to correct it. I see myself going down the same path, if not careful.

He mentioned on our first date in passing that he can't wait to start a family. He has had his heart broken a couple times already. Normally, I wouldn't be thinking so far ahead, but knowing he wants children, and my own concerns, age being a HUGE factor, I wonder how soon is too soon to broach the subject. I would rather him have all the facts before becoming too attached to me. We are already in planning stages of our second date. He is so many of the things I have been looking for. I also have my own limitations on who I can date and potentially plan a future with due to some short sighted decisions I made in 2009. So far, he fits the bill to a T and I think he is one that might not judge me and wanna work through versus running away.

.

I don't think you should feel in any rush to have to completely discuss the children issue. If he brings it up, tell him how you feel.
Otherwise , just keep getting to know each other. If he pushes the issue and would never consider adoption that's a big red flag.

[The Sushi Hunter]

I think talking about kids is still way too early in this current "situation", at least imo anyways. It's too soon, got to build up the relationship and then talk about that with him. Building up the relationship first and then getting into the "kids" issue, I think there will be more considerations on each other's part.

What I'm trying to say is if the guy hardly knows you and hasn't built up any type of "bond", he is less likely to "work with you" on what you want. If he wants something one way but you want it the other, he may just "resign" and move on. However, if he's become "attached" to you, he may be more willing to "give and take" compared to if he's not gotten attached to you. I don't know, this is just me perhaps. Good luck either way though.

[collingwood]

Glad to hear you've found a guy.

I met my wife online and I was 31 at the time and she was 33 with a 5yo daughter. I wanted to have kids of my own. but it never happened. Yes that's disappointing, but being in my mid 40's now it's great not having the issues of being restricted by a child. Ours is now 20 and we are now travelling more and enjoying life.

The relationship comes first and if you have debts that need to be paid, then you have to make that a priority or else it will never go. Only you can know how you feel about having children. If you did have a child, you would somehow manage, you would do what is needed to care and provide for the child.

You go in to a relationship to be with and to share and enjoy life with the partner. You might go in wanting children or a nice house down the track, but sometimes that doesn't work out for what ever reasons. Not having them isn't the end of the world and can also mean you'll be able to do things you wouldn't have been able to if you did have them.

I think it's important to be honest with the person you have the relationship with and let them know your feelings and thoughts on these issues. I don't see any problem with saying having kids at this stage of my life isn't on the radar. We all know that having kids after 40 can be harder and you can't expect to be in a relationship and have a kid within a year unless your both wanting that.

[scarygirl]

I think talking about kids is still way too early in this current "situation", at least imo anyways. It's too soon, got to build up the relationship and then talk about that with him. Building up the relationship first and then getting into the "kids" issue, I think there will be more considerations on each other's part.

What I'm trying to say is if the guy hardly knows you and hasn't built up any type of "bond", he is less likely to "work with you" on what you want. If he wants something one way but you want it the other, he may just "resign" and move on. However, if he's become "attached" to you, he may be more willing to "give and take" compared to if he's not gotten attached to you. I don't know, this is just me perhaps. Good luck either way though.

No and I AGREE. I only ask because he has mentioned those things in passing in person and through our email exchanges. I only ask because I wasn't sure how soon to delve into those areas, exactly his meaning of such. I just don't want to waste his time without him knowing what he is getting into. I don't want to present myself as something I am not.

Like, am I wasting his time pursuing him with him wanting to have kids, and my not being sure of those things or worrying due to age/timing issues.... Normally I only pursue profiles that say "doesn't want children, has children, not sure?" I didn't realize his wanting kids until I was well into getting to know him. I misread his profile. That said, I like him.

[Rick]

It's never easy and you have to go through all the people that aren't for you, but eventually you should meet someone that you just know is right for you.

I've done the dinner dates and I must say I think it's better to meet for a drink. Something like a coffee at a nice central place to both people as a first meeting.

With relation to your employment status, I think it might matter to some more than others. In a perfect world we would all like great jobs and get paid lots of money and have free time to spare. The reality is a lot of people go from job to job and sometimes are unemployed. If your looking for a relationship, I think that comes before a persons employment status. I'd have no problem going out with a person who was unemployed. I think as the relationship built, then you might be thinking about living together or providing for one another...etc and working on how to do that.

I think a lot of mistakes people make is trying to find the perfect person or someone who is their ideal. I know I've wanted someone with this or that and then later when you meet someone you like, those things you wanted don't matter. You can still like or love a person with flaws. The main thing is finding someone on your page, that complements you and your relationship. You want someone who will give and take and be considerate to you and the relationship.

Good luck with finding someone

I met him last night. He's actually good in every way, but one. He wants kids. I had written on my profile that I would be accepting of someone with kids though I personally have none of my own.

I have no doubt he would be an excellent father. Me, an excellent mother? I am not so sure. I have always said though that If I found the right person to never say never, but as of May 20th, I will be 40. So potentially if things work out I could be looking at having a kid at age 42! (I have some credit card debt that needs to be cleaned up before I do anything). That potential kid would be 30 to my 70 something when all is said and done.

I don't know if I have the energy. It is one thing for a guy , their work is done, BAM! I would be facing child raising, working, and menopause at the same time. Worries over maybe the kid having chromosomal disorders. (I know it can happen at any age, but statistically the chances are much higher..) What if he dies early on me? Plus, the prospects of having a kid in this economy? Then there are the things it would do to my body. Maybe it is selfish, I worry that I won't recover the same body-wise as I would have in my 20s. I was reading some of the things woman experience. Facial hair? (Guys, pretend you didn't read this.) I already have some of that Do I really want to go around looking like Cousin IT into my golden years and first years of marriage? (Going to happen anyway with menopause, but I will be facing a double header. You guys might be seeing me on a Discovery Channel near you...)

I am at a loss. I have dated on and off for a while. It seems once you hit this age, men that are attracted to you for the most part fall into two categories, they are either on average ten years or more older and already have kids or they are closer to my age, and never have or are wanting kids. Men closer to my age generally go for the younger model. Granted there have been a few here and there in my age range that have kids and don't want anymore, or just don't any any. Problem is I don't find myself attracted those, or worry about issues with the ex-wife and their kids, not having money because they have to take care of the last kids.... And I FULLY expect them to. I would never date/marry a guy who has abandoned his kids!!!! Just saying it makes things more complicated.

So has anyone here raised, had a first kid, had additional kids in their 40s? What has it been like don't want to let go of a potential match out of fear of the unknown.

Debbie's niece, Neelee, came to live with us 4 years ago. When Debbie came to me to talk about Neelee coming to live with use, I was kind of like. "Wow, I just got my daughter raised, and now I have to do it again." But 4 years down the road, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love Neelee just as if she were my own. She has been a great kid. I'm 50 now, so I was 46 when she came to live with us. I hope she lives with us forever, but I know she will be gone in a few years, starting her own life, and that's going to be difficult for Debbie and me.

[The Sushi Hunter]

Like, am I wasting his time pursuing him with him wanting to have kids, and my not being sure of those things or worrying due to age/timing issues.... Normally I only pursue profiles that say "doesn't want children, has children, not sure?" I didn't realize his wanting kids until I was well into getting to know him. I misread his profile. That said, I like him.

Well this also works both ways, meaning if you both bond and over time, you may find yourself working with him on what he wants as well. But I see your points. In my own relationship, I told her what I wanted in the long term of things. At that time I was tired of just dating without any type of long term thing to think about. By that time, I had dated some really terrific women and sort of started kicking myself for letting them slip away. I felt that dating was fun but it was at this time in life where I wanted to start building memories with someone who would be there with me looking back at all those memories. Up until that point, all the memories I had were with women who weren't in my life anylonger and that really started to play on my mind in a negative way. I started to need someone who would be there with me and who I could talk with in regards to things that happened throughout the vast period in our lives. It really can get lonely when you don't have that someone around to share the fond memories with them. I felt I would just be "spinning my wheels" if I was just going out on dates with nothing in mind for the future.

So it is good to discuss your expectations with the other person, but I think that comes after a little while of dating the person to see if things are gelling between the both of you. If they are, talk about the expectations.

[Melissa]

I think online dating can be a scary world. I know a woman who met a man online
that way and keeping her story short, she became deeply in love with him, he
gave her a ring and asked her to be his forever, that whole nine yards, and just
as she was ready to build that life with him, he made sure it came to an
agonizing end, emotionally abusing the hell out of her first for months while
stringing her along. She didn't find out until later what a sicko he was for
lots of reasons, including his secret lives, and it's such a good thing she
didn't end up with him. He didn't even want his ring back, so she kept it safe
for a while wondering the right thing to do, but finally just threw it away,
literally threw it down the garbage chute of her apartment building. She said he
threw her away so why not do the same. Other than when people grieve a death I
have never known someone so badly hurt. Thankfully an awesome man came into her
life now. I have a co-worker with a friend facing almost the same scenario now.
I guess it's hard to know who someone really is and if they're going to hurt
you. You just have to be careful and hope you meet a real man, and not a sick
loser. It's scary and sad.

[scarygirl]

I think online dating can be a scary world. I know a woman who met a man online
that way and keeping her story short, she became deeply in love with him, he
gave her a ring and asked her to be his forever, that whole nine yards, and just
as she was ready to build that life with him, he made sure it came to an
agonizing end, emotionally abusing the hell out of her first for months while
stringing her along. She didn't find out until later what a sicko he was for
lots of reasons, including his secret lives, and it's such a good thing she
didn't end up with him. He didn't even want his ring back, so she kept it safe
for a while wondering the right thing to do, but finally just threw it away,
literally threw it down the garbage chute of her apartment building. She said he
threw her away so why not do the same. Other than when people grieve a death I
have never known someone so badly hurt. Thankfully an awesome man came into her
life now. I have a co-worker with a friend facing almost the same scenario now.
I guess it's hard to know who someone really is and if they're going to hurt
you. You just have to be careful and hope you meet a real man, and not a sick
loser. It's scary and sad.

Love and relationships suck, especially when the one you love doesn't love you and goes on to marry another. I had almost forgotten til just now, that other from not so long ago. It was his birthday yesterday. He is a silent FB friend of mine. Silent because though we are "FB friends" we never speak to each other. Every once in a while he will reach out. I wished him happy birthday on his Facebook page. I was just passing through, and saw a video he had posted, pics of him at various life stages. I recognized some of the pictures because I was there though not in those particular shots. Wish I hadn't looked because I had forgotten, almost....

[Rick]

I think online dating can be a scary world. I know a woman who met a man online
that way and keeping her story short, she became deeply in love with him, he
gave her a ring and asked her to be his forever, that whole nine yards, and just
as she was ready to build that life with him, he made sure it came to an
agonizing end, emotionally abusing the hell out of her first for months while
stringing her along. She didn't find out until later what a sicko he was for
lots of reasons, including his secret lives, and it's such a good thing she
didn't end up with him. He didn't even want his ring back, so she kept it safe
for a while wondering the right thing to do, but finally just threw it away,
literally threw it down the garbage chute of her apartment building. She said he
threw her away so why not do the same. Other than when people grieve a death I
have never known someone so badly hurt. Thankfully an awesome man came into her
life now. I have a co-worker with a friend facing almost the same scenario now.
I guess it's hard to know who someone really is and if they're going to hurt
you. You just have to be careful and hope you meet a real man, and not a sick
loser. It's scary and sad.

Love and relationships suck, especially when the one you love doesn't love you and goes on to marry another. I had almost forgotten til just now, that other from not so long ago. It was his birthday yesterday. He is a silent FB friend of mine. Silent because though we are "FB friends" we never speak to each other. Every once in a while he will reach out. I wished him happy birthday on his Facebook page. I was just passing through, and saw a video he had posted, pics of him at various life stages. I recognized some of the pictures because I was there though not in those particular shots. Wish I hadn't looked because I had forgotten, almost....

I'm with Melissa. She's very wise. We all love you around here and don't want anything bad to happen to you. Be most careful.

[scarygirl]

I think online dating can be a scary world. I know a woman who met a man online
that way and keeping her story short, she became deeply in love with him, he
gave her a ring and asked her to be his forever, that whole nine yards, and just
as she was ready to build that life with him, he made sure it came to an
agonizing end, emotionally abusing the hell out of her first for months while
stringing her along. She didn't find out until later what a sicko he was for
lots of reasons, including his secret lives, and it's such a good thing she
didn't end up with him. He didn't even want his ring back, so she kept it safe
for a while wondering the right thing to do, but finally just threw it away,
literally threw it down the garbage chute of her apartment building. She said he
threw her away so why not do the same. Other than when people grieve a death I
have never known someone so badly hurt. Thankfully an awesome man came into her
life now. I have a co-worker with a friend facing almost the same scenario now.
I guess it's hard to know who someone really is and if they're going to hurt
you. You just have to be careful and hope you meet a real man, and not a sick
loser. It's scary and sad.

Love and relationships suck, especially when the one you love doesn't love you and goes on to marry another. I had almost forgotten til just now, that other from not so long ago. It was his birthday yesterday. He is a silent FB friend of mine. Silent because though we are "FB friends" we never speak to each other. Every once in a while he will reach out. I wished him happy birthday on his Facebook page. I was just passing through, and saw a video he had posted, pics of him at various life stages. I recognized some of the pictures because I was there though not in those particular shots. Wish I hadn't looked because I had forgotten, almost....

I'm with Melissa. She's very wise. We all love you around here and don't want anything bad to happen to you. Be most careful.

I love you all too. That is why I blabber too much, sometimes to the point of TMI (I will go back, and say, did I really just say that???)

You can't mind me, I am all over the place. Especially today.

[Rick]

I love you all too. That is why I blabber too much, sometimes to the point of TMI (I will go back, and say, did I really just say that???)

You can't mind me, I am all over the place. Especially today.

That's why we love you. Don't change a bit.

[scarygirl]

I love you all too. That is why I blabber too much, sometimes to the point of TMI (I will go back, and say, did I really just say that???)

You can't mind me, I am all over the place. Especially today.

That's why we love you. Don't change a bit.

Yeah, but a woman is supposed to have secrets. Of course, my cats know things and they have been warned.... They only think they have the upper hand.

[Rick]

I love you all too. That is why I blabber too much, sometimes to the point of TMI (I will go back, and say, did I really just say that???)

You can't mind me, I am all over the place. Especially today.

That's why we love you. Don't change a bit.

Yeah, but a woman is supposed to have secrets. Of course, my cats know things and they have been warned.... They only think they have the upper hand.

Speaking of pets. We had to have our dog put down. Did I already tell you this? It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. She was such a great dog.

[scarygirl]

Rick:

I tried quoting in your thread, but it wouldn't let me?

My extreme condolences... I know how hard it is to lose a friend. And that is what they are, loyal til the end.

[scarygirl]

I think online dating can be a scary world. I know a woman who met a man online
that way and keeping her story short, she became deeply in love with him, he
gave her a ring and asked her to be his forever, that whole nine yards, and just
as she was ready to build that life with him, he made sure it came to an
agonizing end, emotionally abusing the hell out of her first for months while
stringing her along. She didn't find out until later what a sicko he was for
lots of reasons, including his secret lives, and it's such a good thing she
didn't end up with him. He didn't even want his ring back, so she kept it safe
for a while wondering the right thing to do, but finally just threw it away,
literally threw it down the garbage chute of her apartment building. She said he
threw her away so why not do the same. Other than when people grieve a death I
have never known someone so badly hurt. Thankfully an awesome man came into her
life now. I have a co-worker with a friend facing almost the same scenario now.
I guess it's hard to know who someone really is and if they're going to hurt
you. You just have to be careful and hope you meet a real man, and not a sick
loser. It's scary and sad.

You can't be too careful these days that's for sure. People get a kick out of promoting misery. There is a place that much is certain.

[Rick]

Rick:

I tried quoting in your thread, but it wouldn't let me?

My extreme condolences... I know how hard it is to lose a friend. And that is what they are, loyal til the end.

Same here, got a 3 quote maximum error or something like that.

Thank you. She was the absolute kindest dog. She came down with pancreatitis and gastrointeritis, according to the vet (not our usual vet, as it was a Saturday and he was the only one open). He gave us medication, but she just kept going down hill. She was so sick and it was so all of a sudden. I went to bed that Sunday night, and she was laying at the end of the couch in the living room, and when I got up to go to work the next morning, she hadn't moved. When I got home that afternoon, Debbie said that she had laid there and urinated where she laid, so we both knew it was time. The hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know it sounds crazy, but I don't remember when I've cried so much. I felt like I was killing my dog. I've taken peace with it now, knowing it was the right thing to do.

[scarygirl]

Rick:

I tried quoting in your thread, but it wouldn't let me?

My extreme condolences... I know how hard it is to lose a friend. And that is what they are, loyal til the end.

Same here, got a 3 quote maximum error or something like that.

Thank you. She was the absolute kindest dog. She came down with pancreatitis and gastrointeritis, according to the vet (not our usual vet, as it was a Saturday and he was the only one open). He gave us medication, but she just kept going down hill. She was so sick and it was so all of a sudden. I went to bed that Sunday night, and she was laying at the end of the couch in the living room, and when I got up to go to work the next morning, she hadn't moved. When I got home that afternoon, Debbie said that she had laid there and urinated where she laid, so we both knew it was time. The hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know it sounds crazy, but I don't remember when I've cried so much. I felt like I was killing my dog. I've taken peace with it now, knowing it was the right thing to do.

Rick:

So sorry you had to go through that... You didn't kill your dog, I promise you. You did her a favor. She is running around chasing Mya over the Rainbow bridge...

The dog I babysat for 9 years was put down in March. She had been in a steady decline the last year of her life, but holding on just the same. Her hips were mush, and I had to use a sling to hold her back end up to take her outside. Those last months she had more potty accidents than I could count. The last time I babysat her, she lost her balance and fell down the concrete steps, luckily she slid more than anything, but I was frightened to death she had broken her hip she fell so hard.

I was supposed to have babysat her that last week, had my bags packed, but it wasn't meant to be. She had her first and last seizure. They put her to sleep. It is better that it worked out the way it did. I was always worried she would die on my watch,, and that would have messed me up something awful.

Her boyfriend Smokey had gone a couple months before her. So now they are together too. He was hit by a car. His parents let him roam around free at all hours...

Eventually I will babysit her stepbrother/stepsister. That's going to be hard. I will take good care, but for me, it won't be the same, not by a long shot.

Not a dog person, but she was one of two dogs I truly loved.... The other was Tiffy. My family went on vacation and he was run over. Some neighbor kids (demons) purposely chased him out into the road so they could watch him get run over. Fun!!