Have You Ever Tried To Change Someone?

[Everett]

my ex tried to change me idk why. I'm a joker that's what i do

Just ask babyblue

What am i to do with you??? Don't answer that i all ready know.

Well is there anytime for pitty sex???

Dude how is your spelling so fucking awful?

Well matthew it's not as awful as your cavaliers will be when lebron goes away....

[Rip Rokken]

I do think that despite a couple's differences, they can at least learn to be considerate of the other's feelings, especially when the things you do piss the other off. When you're running out of toilet paper, go to the damn store or at least add it to the grocery list a few days ahead of time so I can pick some up. Don't sneak in my bathroom every time and steal my roll off the holder. Make any sense?

The thing I see happen most often in this regard, both to me personally and to my friends around me, is that they will be in a relationship for a decent amount of time (at least a year) - long enough to know the others' likes and dislikes for the most part. Then, one of them all of a sudden insists that the other stop liking to do/enjoy activities/lifestyle X, Y, Z while embracing lifestyles/activities A,B, and C that he/she has never liked.

What you mention is definitely a huge problem. I could be totally wrong and I don't mean to be unfair, but I see it happen more with wives trying to make their husbands change gears and morph into someone else they just aren't. Dr. Laura Schlessinger has a book out where she advises wives to accept "the animal they dragged home" for who he is. She specifically uses an example of a woman who marries a performing musician, knowing full well who he is and what he loves when she fell in love with him, but then tries to get him to give it all up once they get married. The principal goes both ways of course -- if my wife doesn't like my music or hobbies, trying to force her to like them or even worse, taking away the things she does like would just make her miserable and resentful.

There really are several factors in this subject that sometimes all gets tossed into one blanket topic of "controlling" or "trying to change" people. People who don't like to be on the receiving end of legitimate criticism love to hide behind the "control" argument and keep the water muddy to deflect from the real issues. Here's the way I see it...

A) Trying to force change in someone's core being, beliefs, likes, dislikes, physical appearance, style, personal friendships, or any of those things that makes them distinct or special as individuals is WRONG, and never works. Doesn't matter if you yell and scream about it or take a super-subtle, calculative approach and try to manipulate them into becoming who you want them to be. Leave people the hell alone and let them be themselves. Otherwise, find someone who jibes with you right off the bat instead of taking on a "fix-er-up" project.


B) If someone's habits or behavior become a danger to themselves or others, then yes -- I think it's acceptable to expect some change. If they won't, you have to figure out if it's a dealbreaker or not. Even the "danger" thing can be misused though. Here are some examples either way:

* He skydives or free climbs mountains -- leave him alone if those were his interests before. Shouldn't have married him if you didn't like it then. On the other hand, if your guy never had those interests before, then out of the blue becomes an x-treme adrenaline junkie and pursues all sorts of thrill-seeking crap, then sure... he might be going nuts and has a death wish.

* He drinks and drives. Absolutely!!!

* She keeps leaving the stove on in the house, or the doors unlocked when she leaves the house. Hell yeah!!! If it keeps happening, put up some signs!


C) If someone's habits continually cause unnecessary financial expense, I think you have every right to try to find a solution that works for both of you, even if you have to get upset to make the point. Examples -- frequent fender benders, speeding tickets, late charges or fines, overdraft fees, excessive wastefulness (i.e. food, utilities), neglectful care of expensive possessions, etc.


D) Last you have the "pet peeve" category, and it's major -- I divide peeves into two areas:

a. General differences. No two individuals are going to behave the same way, and nitpicking them over insignificant things, correcting them, insulting them, or constantly griping doesn't do anything but harm your relationship. Every once in a while, I see some elderly couple who constantly jab at each other, and I just want to ask them if that has EVER worked for them... if the other person has EVER said, "You know, I see your point and I apologize." If not, then good Lord, shut the hell up and find a different approach.

b. Matters of consideration. No, the whole leaving the toilet seat up or down argument doesn't count -- that's nitpicking and it doesn't take half a second to reposition the lid so quit bitching about it. If he PEES all over the seat and leaves it like that, then it absolutely falls under this category and you have every right to expect a change in behavior. If she always forgets to write down or give you your phone messages and you miss important calls, sure, you can mention it and hope for change, but you'll need to be prepared to come up with an alternate solution. You can't force unorganized or scattered people to be organized and mindful.


Anyway, the whole topic of "changing people" is pretty broad. There are times when you have every right to expect a change, and people have to live according to basic standards, guidelines, whatever -- that's just the way the world works. But trying to control the essence of others is just plain evil, and there are a ton of sick, narcissistic, insecure control freaks out there.

[SherriBerry]

I recently observed a friend of mine getting all over his wife for being a slob. He even wrote a big rant online about it, and she read it. Now they won't even speak to each other.

The worst part of this is that he ranted about his wife online! However frustrating this is for him, a spouse should always have your back, and bullying and humiliating his wife publicly is inexcusable. Some people do hide their worst traits until they are married and once the ring is on their finger, their true selves emerge and they stop trying. So sometimes it isn't about changing the person, but trying to find the person you thought was already there!

It is unrealistic and unfair to expect a person to change who they truly are to make you happy, but if they have gotten lazy or adopted bad habits, one can expect the other person in the relationship to be considerate and get their act together. For example, when most guys are single, they seem quite capable of not leaving their dirty clothes on the floor, but not long after moving in/marriage, some suddenly forget where the laundry hamper is located. Well a girlfriend/wife is not a free maid, so that is behaviour that one has an expectation of changing! Same with the wife - is she was pretending to be Martha Stewart before they married, but is naturally a slob, she made a mistake and either needs to adopt some of those qualities or they may have to reconsider the marriage because they are not compatible.

I have a feeling that part of this may also be the result of false expectations. Some people seem to think that when they get married or live together, the other person will automatically take on the traditional duties of wife or husband. But some guys hate yardwork and some women do not like to cook and often the couple did not discuss this beforehand. When our family visits the homes of other people and the house is not very tidy, my 1950's parents will usually comment about the wife's failure to look after the house. I will usually respond that when both partners work full-time outside of the home or are now both retired, it is just as much the husband's responsibility to clean and take care of the household duties as the wife's!

[Blueskies]

I was married once and have never had the desire to get married again but you can never say never so if someone came along and could change my mind then I would want to get to know them as well as I could and discuss things before I married them.....then I wouldn't want to change them after marriage because if I did they wouldn't be the same person I fell in love with. Besides, you can't change anyone they can only change themselves. I also don't want anyone trying to change me.....they have to accept me for who I am. Come to think of it I haven't dated a guy yet who didn't try to change me so I'm staying single so I can keep thinking for myself and not become someones clone. I wouldn't want a clone...someone just like me,...I would want them to be who they are, flaws and all because flawless doesn't exist.
They wouldn't be human without flaws and I'm not into aliens.

[stevew2]

I was married once and have never had the desire to get married again but you can never say never so if someone came along and could change my mind then I would want to get to know them as well as I could and discuss things before I married them.....then I wouldn't want to change them after marriage because if I did they wouldn't be the same person I fell in love with. Besides, you can't change anyone they can only change themselves. I also don't want anyone trying to change me.....they have to accept me for who I am. Come to think of it I haven't dated a guy yet who didn't try to change me so I'm staying single so I can keep thinking for myself and not become someones clone. I wouldn't want a clone...someone just like me,...I would want them to be who they are, flaws and all because flawless doesn't exist.
They wouldn't be human without flaws and I'm not into aliens.

Will you marry me??

[Blueskies]

Like I was saying.....I'm not into aliens AND the guy would have to be totally heterosexual.

[Behshad]

Like I was saying.....I'm not into aliens AND the guy would have to be totally heterosexual.

Poor Stevew2 ....

[stevew2]

Like I was saying.....I'm not into aliens AND the guy would have to be totally heterosexual.

Oh well

[Blueskies]

Like I was saying.....I'm not into aliens AND the guy would have to be totally heterosexual.

Oh well

Yep, that sure excludes you, doesn't it.

[stevew2]

Like I was saying.....I'm not into aliens AND the guy would have to be totally heterosexual.

Oh well

Yep, that sure excludes you, doesn't it.

you wish

[Blueskies]

Like I was saying.....I'm not into aliens AND the guy would have to be totally heterosexual.

Oh well

Yep, that sure excludes you, doesn't it.

you wish

For your exclusion? You are correct! or for you to be human? Correct again! or for you to be straight? Hey, if you're gay you're gay.

[stevew2]

Like I was saying.....I'm not into aliens AND the guy would have to be totally heterosexual.

Oh well

Yep, that sure excludes you, doesn't it.

you wish

For your exclusion? You are correct! or for you to be human? Correct again! or for you to be straight? Hey, if you're gay you're gay.

I like puss just like you

[Blueskies]

Like I was saying.....I'm not into aliens AND the guy would have to be totally heterosexual.

Oh well

Yep, that sure excludes you, doesn't it.

you wish

For your exclusion? You are correct! or for you to be human? Correct again! or for you to be straight? Hey, if you're gay you're gay.

I like puss

Yes and I heard his name is Carl.

[stevew2]

Like I was saying.....I'm not into aliens AND the guy would have to be totally heterosexual.

Oh well

Yep, that sure excludes you, doesn't it.

you wish

For your exclusion? You are correct! or for you to be human? Correct again! or for you to be straight? Hey, if you're gay you're gay.

I like puss

Yes and I heard his name is Carl.

He is my best freind,fucker talks to me all the time

[Triple S]

I recently observed a friend of mine getting all over his wife for being a slob. He even wrote a big rant online about it, and she read it. Now they won't even speak to each other.

When our family visits the homes of other people and the house is not very tidy, my 1950's parents will usually comment about the wife's failure to look after the house. I will usually respond that when both partners work full-time outside of the home or are now both retired, it is just as much the husband's responsibility to clean and take care of the household duties as the wife's!

LOL - I know what you mean. I feel so guilty when my in-laws come to visit and my house is messy, even though I know that they know my husband has way more time to clean than I do. But they are very traditional (I doubt that his Dad even knows how to operate a vacuum ) and I still think in the back of their minds they're wondering why I didn't 'tidy up'. The other thing is - in my experience a clean house just isn't as important to most men as it is to women - I'll comment about the house being 'filthy' and my husband just doesn't see it. His idea of cleaning the bathroom, for example . . . well, let's just say he's not allowed to have that particular job anymore . He does virtually all the cooking though - so there's our compromise.
(So Sherri - just remember when you come to visit - if my house isn't spotless it's all his fault - I'm on vacation!!!)

[Tomulator]

I've had great success through the years changing people who just aren't right in my eyes. In fact, just about every relationship I've ever been in, I've managed to change and "tweek" the person into the person I would want them to be.

It's worked out very well for me.

[Behshad]

I've had great success through the years changing people who just aren't right in my eyes. In fact, just about every relationship I've ever been in, I've managed to change and "tweek" the person into the person I would want them to be.

It's worked out very well for me.

So you changed all these womens to become likable to a jerk like you ? jk,,, Well done, son

[Michigan Girl]

I've had great success through the years changing people who just aren't right in my eyes. In fact, just about every relationship I've ever been in, I've managed to change and "tweek" the person into the person I would want them to be.
It's worked out very well for me.

So, Tommy ...what made you want to move on to the next woman, if the first one
became what you wanted?!?! The challenge?!? People that can be that easily changed/controlled/conformed
are boring, aren't they?!?!

[KenTheDude]

Hope and change isn't exactly what a lot of people were anticipating it to be, apparently.

[Ehwmatt]

Hope and change isn't exactly what a lot of people were anticipating it to be, apparently.

[SherriBerry]

I recently observed a friend of mine getting all over his wife for being a slob. He even wrote a big rant online about it, and she read it. Now they won't even speak to each other.

When our family visits the homes of other people and the house is not very tidy, my 1950's parents will usually comment about the wife's failure to look after the house. I will usually respond that when both partners work full-time outside of the home or are now both retired, it is just as much the husband's responsibility to clean and take care of the household duties as the wife's!

LOL - I know what you mean. I feel so guilty when my in-laws come to visit and my house is messy, even though I know that they know my husband has way more time to clean than I do. But they are very traditional (I doubt that his Dad even knows how to operate a vacuum ) and I still think in the back of their minds they're wondering why I didn't 'tidy up'. The other thing is - in my experience a clean house just isn't as important to most men as it is to women - I'll comment about the house being 'filthy' and my husband just doesn't see it. His idea of cleaning the bathroom, for example . . . well, let's just say he's not allowed to have that particular job anymore . He does virtually all the cooking though - so there's our compromise.
(So Sherri - just remember when you come to visit - if my house isn't spotless it's all his fault - I'm on vacation!!!)

I'll see you this weekend!

[Tomulator]

I've had great success through the years changing people who just aren't right in my eyes. In fact, just about every relationship I've ever been in, I've managed to change and "tweek" the person into the person I would want them to be.
It's worked out very well for me.

So, Tommy ...what made you want to move on to the next woman, if the first one
became what you wanted?!?! The challenge?!? People that can be that easily changed/controlled/conformed
are boring, aren't they?!?!

I think people may be having a bit of a hard time catching on to my "humor". It's very "dry" at times...

I can't / don't try to "change" people....that's absurd.

[Michigan Girl]

I've had great success through the years changing people who just aren't right in my eyes. In fact, just about every relationship I've ever been in, I've managed to change and "tweek" the person into the person I would want them to be.
It's worked out very well for me.

So, Tommy ...what made you want to move on to the next woman, if the first one
became what you wanted?!?! The challenge?!? People that can be that easily changed/controlled/conformed
are boring, aren't they?!?!

I think people may be having a bit of a hard time catching on to my "humor". It's very "dry" at times...

I can't / don't try to "change" people....that's absurd.

ha ha ...you got me~this time!!

[Deb]

I was married once and have never had the desire to get married again but you can never say never so if someone came along and could change my mind then I would want to get to know them as well as I could and discuss things before I married them.....then I wouldn't want to change them after marriage because if I did they wouldn't be the same person I fell in love with. Besides, you can't change anyone they can only change themselves. I also don't want anyone trying to change me.....they have to accept me for who I am. Come to think of it I haven't dated a guy yet who didn't try to change me so I'm staying single so I can keep thinking for myself and not become someones clone. I wouldn't want a clone...someone just like me,...I would want them to be who they are, flaws and all because flawless doesn't exist.
They wouldn't be human without flaws and I'm not into aliens.

True, but sometimes you grow apart or at different rates. What I found attractive in my teens or 20s is not necessarily what I find attractive in my 40s. I married a good looking charmer, life of the party type guy in my early 20s. My ex hub is still that good looking charmer, life of the party type guy now in his 40s. And have to say, what I found exciting and attractive in my 20s, LOL didn't find it quite as exciting in my 40s. Went from gf/wife to responsibility/babysitting hub. After 20 years, had enough......and realized life didn't have to be all about debt/drinking/stress. And have never been happier. Don't get me wrong.....sure I still find good looking bad boys attractive but I'd never be stupid enough to marry one again. We are great friends now and are still close....and our daughter is a happy and well adjusted 20 year old. Sometimes you have to go through some really hard shit to realize just what you're made of.

[Michigan Girl]

I was married once and have never had the desire to get married again but you can never say never so if someone came along and could change my mind then I would want to get to know them as well as I could and discuss things before I married them.....then I wouldn't want to change them after marriage because if I did they wouldn't be the same person I fell in love with.

True, but sometimes you grow apart or at different rates. What I found attractive in my teens or 20s is not necessarily what I find attractive in my 40s. I married a good looking charmer, life of the party type guy in my early 20s. My ex hub is still that good looking charmer, life of the party type guy now in his 40s. And have to say, what I found exciting and attractive in my 20s, LOL didn't find it quite as exciting in my 40s. Went from gf/wife to responsibility/babysitting hub. After 20 years, had enough......and realized life didn't have to be all about debt/drinking/stress. And have never been happier. Don't get me wrong.....sure I still find good looking bad boys attractive but I'd never be stupid enough to marry one again. We are great friends now and are still close....and our daughter is a happy and well adjusted 20 year old. Sometimes you have to go through some really hard shit to realize just what you're made of.

I agree, Deb!! And just because it's best to grow up and become a responsible human at
some point in your life, it doesn't mean you have to change your core being ...I believe RIP?!? stated earlier!!
But, can't one still be bad ... and good?!?

[Everett]

But, can't one still be bad ... and good?!?

Yes MG you can, just look at me

[Blueskies]

I was married once and have never had the desire to get married again but you can never say never so if someone came along and could change my mind then I would want to get to know them as well as I could and discuss things before I married them.....then I wouldn't want to change them after marriage because if I did they wouldn't be the same person I fell in love with. Besides, you can't change anyone they can only change themselves. I also don't want anyone trying to change me.....they have to accept me for who I am. Come to think of it I haven't dated a guy yet who didn't try to change me so I'm staying single so I can keep thinking for myself and not become someones clone. I wouldn't want a clone...someone just like me,...I would want them to be who they are, flaws and all because flawless doesn't exist.
They wouldn't be human without flaws and I'm not into aliens.

True, but sometimes you grow apart or at different rates. What I found attractive in my teens or 20s is not necessarily what I find attractive in my 40s. I married a good looking charmer, life of the party type guy in my early 20s. My ex hub is still that good looking charmer, life of the party type guy now in his 40s. And have to say, what I found exciting and attractive in my 20s, LOL didn't find it quite as exciting in my 40s. Went from gf/wife to responsibility/babysitting hub. After 20 years, had enough......and realized life didn't have to be all about debt/drinking/stress. And have never been happier. Don't get me wrong.....sure I still find good looking bad boys attractive but I'd never be stupid enough to marry one again. We are great friends now and are still close....and our daughter is a happy and well adjusted 20 year old. Sometimes you have to go through some really hard shit to realize just what you're made of.

I said I would try to get to know them as best I could before hand and not try to change them, I didn't say they wouldn't change. Of course people change to varying degrees over time...hopefully they grow instead of the reverse but they do change for better or worse. There are no guarantees of anything....even if you try to know them beforehand they may and probably will change in some way. Life is a gamble and marriage certainly is too...if you're gonna do it you have to take your chances just as you would if you enter anything else like starting a new business...or starting a new sport, anything...there are always risk involved and with matters of the heart there is the risk that it may get broken, always but people continue to allow themselves to fall in love because love is worth taking the risk. After they fall they have a 50/50 chance of survival. I know because for many years I just decided I didn't want to take the risk and once I finally did open my heart to someone again it was broken....but as they say, it's better to have loved than to never have loved at all. At this point I still prefer being single but I, like everyone could change if someone came along that I would feel that strongly about again.

As far as "bad" boys...no, I am not attracted to bad boys. When I got married I was only 21 and didn't really know him or what I was doing back then...I thought at first he was a good guy but he turned out to be bad but I know for sure I'm not into the "bad boys" . I like good manners....a guy who is respectful of and towards woman, one who can be romantic and caring at times. One who is honest that I could trust. Not a "ladies man" and one who doesn't talk and act like a pig by actions or words. One who cares about more than themselves.....has some concern for others, the environment, what happens in the world around them.

I also would want someone that is supportive of me and my activities and has some interests of his own. One that could talk at times but wouldn't mind a lot of quiet time because the majority of the time I don't talk a lot. Especially when I'm doing artwork they would have to be happy with just company without conversation. One that doesn't have to be babysat! They would also have to be supportive of my adventurous side....they wouldn't have to do the activities like kayaking and races, etc with me if they don't like to do them but they would have to be supportive of it at least and not resent the time I spend on my pursuits. I can also accept they may have differences of opinion on different subjects....most likely will but they would need to allow me my own opinions and not expect me to think the same about everything they do.

Bad boys? No way! Nice guys finish first in my opinion. A guy who can have fun let loose and be goofy and enjoy a party on occasion but not a party animal. Someone that likes music . Someone that appreciates and enjoys art. A healthy ego but not egotistical. Someone with a great sense of humor and likes to laugh!
So gimme a good ol' fashioned, honest, trustworthy, nice, sweet, caring, funny, DORK!

[Deb]

I said I would try to get to know them as best I could before hand and not try to change them, I didn't say they wouldn't change. Of course people change to varying degrees over time...hopefully they grow instead of the reverse but they do change for better or worse. There are no guarantees of anything....even if you try to know them beforehand they may and probably will change in some way. Life is a gamble and marriage certainly is too...if you're gonna do it you have to take your chances just as you would if you enter anything else like starting a new business...or starting a new sport, anything...there are always risk involved and with matters of the heart there is the risk that it may get broken, always but people continue to allow themselves to fall in love because love is worth taking the risk. After they fall they have a 50/50 chance of survival. I know because for many years I just decided I didn't want to take the risk and once I did finally did open my heart to someone again it was broken....but as they say, it's better to have loved than to never have loved at all. At this point I still prefer being single but I, like everyone could change if someone came along that I would feel that strongly about again.

As far as "bad" boys...no, I am not attracted to bad boys. When I got married I was only 21 and didn't really know him or what I was doing back then...I thought at first he was a good guy but he turned out to be bad but I know for sure I'm not into the "bad boys" . I like good manners....a guy who is respectful of and towards woman, one who can be romantic and caring at times. One who is honest that I could trust. Not a "ladies man" and one who doesn't talk and act like a pig by actions or words. One who cares about more than themselves.....has some concern for others, the environment, what happens in the world around them.

I also would want someone that is supportive of me and my activities and has some interests of his own. One that could talk at times but wouldn't mind a lot of quiet time because the majority of the time I don't talk a lot. Especially when I'm doing artwork they would have to be happy with just company without conversation. One that doesn't have to be babysat! They would also have to be supportive of my adventurous side....they wouldn't have to do the activities like kayaking and races, etc with me if they don't like to do them but they would have to be supportive of it at least and not resent the time I spend on my pursuits. I can also accept they may have differences of opinion on different subjects....most likely will but they would need to allow me my own opinions and not expect me to think the same about everything they do.

Bad boys? No way! Nice guys finish first in my opinion. A guy who can have fun let loose and be goofy and enjoy a party on occasion but not a party animal. Someone that likes music . Someone that appreciates and enjoys art. A healthy ego but not egotistical. Someone with a great sense of humor and likes to laugh!
So gimme a good ol' fashioned, honest, trustworthy, nice, sweet, caring, funny, DORK!

I'm with MG, gotta have a little of both. Too much of one or the other and you're looking at either heartache or boredom. But yes, funny is a must.......I love to laugh.

[Blueskies]

I guess it all depends on what we each find boring or not. I'm a dork so I don't find dork's boring. but I have an adventurous streak which is not boring to me either but someone else might not like to do the same. They may have no interest in outdoor activities, like kayaking, hiking, camping, for instance. We all have our interests and what one may think is boring another may not. On the other hand, I love going to art museums but someone else may find it incredibly boring. That's why I said that the guy wouldn't have to like everything I like, they would just have to be supportive in way of not trying to make me change in giving up things I love to do. And vise versa...I wouldn't want them to stop doing something they love to do even if I didn't share enjoyment in the activity. Our interests are a part of who we are and expecting someone to give up what they are good at...what they have a passion for... what they enjoy doing..is asking them to give up a part of themselves, selfishly, and indeed would be trying to change them into something they are not.

But with that said...I agree with you both. Most people are multi-faceted not one dimensional. As I am, some may range from boring to adventurous. It's all a personal view to view something as boring or not, though. A mixture of and several interests is not uncommon.

[Jana]

If you marry young, sometimes things need to be changed in who you are as you grow with a mate if it's detrimental to the relationship. What you can't change is someone who talks about themselves all the time.