Ehwmatt wrote:Rip Rokken wrote:I do think that despite a couple's differences, they can at least learn to be considerate of the other's feelings, especially when the things you do piss the other off. When you're running out of toilet paper, go to the damn store or at least add it to the grocery list a few days ahead of time so I can pick some up. Don't sneak in my bathroom every time and steal my roll off the holder. Make any sense?
The thing I see happen most often in this regard, both to me personally and to my friends around me, is that they will be in a relationship for a decent amount of time (at least a year) - long enough to know the others' likes and dislikes for the most part. Then, one of them all of a sudden insists that the other stop liking to do/enjoy activities/lifestyle X, Y, Z while embracing lifestyles/activities A,B, and C that he/she has never liked.
What you mention is definitely a huge problem. I could be totally wrong and I don't mean to be unfair, but I see it happen more with wives trying to make their husbands change gears and morph into someone else they just aren't. Dr. Laura Schlessinger has a book out where she advises wives to accept "the animal they dragged home" for who he is. She specifically uses an example of a woman who marries a performing musician, knowing full well who he is and what he loves when she fell in love with him, but then tries to get him to give it all up once they get married. The principal goes both ways of course -- if my wife doesn't like my music or hobbies, trying to force her to like them or even
worse, taking away the things she does like would just make her miserable and resentful.
There really are several factors in this subject that sometimes all gets tossed into one blanket topic of "controlling" or "trying to change" people. People who don't like to be on the receiving end of legitimate criticism love to hide behind the "control" argument and keep the water muddy to deflect from the real issues. Here's the way I see it...
A) Trying to force change in someone's core being, beliefs, likes, dislikes, physical appearance, style, personal friendships, or any of those things that makes them distinct or special as individuals is WRONG, and never works. Doesn't matter if you yell and scream about it or take a super-subtle, calculative approach and try to manipulate them into becoming who you want them to be. Leave people the hell alone and let them be themselves. Otherwise, find someone who jibes with you right off the bat instead of taking on a "fix-er-up" project.
B) If someone's habits or behavior become a
danger to themselves or others, then yes -- I think it's acceptable to expect some change. If they won't, you have to figure out if it's a dealbreaker or not. Even the "danger" thing can be misused though. Here are some examples either way:
* He skydives or free climbs mountains -- leave him alone if those were his interests before. Shouldn't have married him if you didn't like it then. On the other hand, if your guy never had those interests before, then out of the blue becomes an x-treme adrenaline junkie and pursues all sorts of thrill-seeking crap, then sure... he might be going nuts and has a death wish.
* He drinks and drives. Absolutely!!!
* She keeps leaving the stove on in the house, or the doors unlocked when she leaves the house. Hell yeah!!! If it keeps happening, put up some signs!
C) If someone's habits continually cause unnecessary financial expense, I think you have every right to try to find a solution that works for both of you, even if you have to get upset to make the point. Examples -- frequent fender benders, speeding tickets, late charges or fines, overdraft fees, excessive wastefulness (i.e. food, utilities), neglectful care of expensive possessions, etc.
D) Last you have the "pet peeve" category, and it's major -- I divide peeves into two areas:
a. General differences. No two individuals are going to behave the same way, and nitpicking them over insignificant things, correcting them, insulting them, or constantly griping doesn't do anything but harm your relationship. Every once in a while, I see some elderly couple who constantly jab at each other, and I just want to ask them if that has EVER worked for them... if the other person has EVER said, "You know, I see your point and I apologize." If not, then good Lord,
shut the hell up and find a different approach.
b. Matters of consideration. No, the whole leaving the toilet seat up or down argument doesn't count -- that's nitpicking and it doesn't take half a second to reposition the lid so quit bitching about it. If he PEES all over the seat and leaves it like that, then it absolutely falls under this category and you have every right to expect a change in behavior. If she always forgets to write down or give you your phone messages and you miss important calls, sure, you can mention it and hope for change, but you'll need to be prepared to come up with an alternate solution. You can't force unorganized or scattered people to be organized and mindful.
Anyway, the whole topic of "changing people" is pretty broad. There are times when you have every right to expect a change, and people have to live according to basic standards, guidelines, whatever -- that's just the way the world works. But trying to control the essence of others is just plain evil, and there are a ton of sick, narcissistic, insecure control freaks out there.